The song that inspired this blog is Head to the Heart by United Pursuit. Yesterday morning, I put on my Spotify playlist, “Top Songs of 2018”, and that song started playing. In the perfect moment. I hadn’t heard it in so long, and boy, it was so needed. It’s so funny how something so simple can mean so stinking much. Here recently, life has been quite difficult, and if you’ve talked to me recently, I have probably expressed that to you, and asked for some grace. I’m about to get super vulnerable, so bear with me. I deal with pretty bad social anxiety, but recently, it’s like I was feeling anxious about everything, and it was affecting the way I was treating others, my health, and just my personality in general. Once that started happening, I started feeling hopeless about things, and just had this sadness going on that I had never experienced. I was feeling pretty alone, and feeling like I was the only one who ever experienced something like this, especially as someone who is on the journey to give up everything for 9 months to go spread Jesus’ love in other countries, and the thoughts about how I wasn’t worthy enough to go because of my anxiety started flooding in. I feel like committing to something like this, it makes you feel like you always have to have everything together, and you should be thriving with your walk with the Lord. A certain weight on your shoulders that is kind of hard to explain. But I’ve come to realize that it is okay for me not to have everything together, and it’s okay for me to be human, and it’s okay for me to have a couple of down days. I am learning to give myself grace and learning to be easier on myself. It says in Head to the Heart, “I open up to you, this love that makes me new, oh may my heart receive, this love that carries me,” and honestly those such simple lyrics really spoke to me. His Love makes me new. His Love carries me. I am not tied to my emotions, or my anxieties. He carries me, all the time, when I am feeling hopeless and anxious, AND when I am feeling on top of the world. It also says, “From the head to the heart, you take me on a journey of letting go and getting lost in you,” and that was such a good reminder that I AM still on this journey of letting go, and that He’s on this journey with me, the whole time, even with all of my imperfections. Honestly, I could go on and on about this song. About how it says, “You give me faith like a child,” and so much more, because dang. The truth this song has in it. It’s my new anthem. Shouting these lyrics and declaring these lyrics.
I’m feeling better now, and now recognizing all of the things God uses to teach you and draw you closer, like surrendering is an every day thing, and that I am never alone, and also that, I can find positives in every situation. Positives in my anxiety, and sadness.
I hope this blog made some sort of sense, haha. Kind of feeling like it didn’t, but it’s cool. Because I got to share with you what’s been going on, and that it’s okay to not be okay all the time. Thank you for being on this journey with me, you rock!
