This month has been very rough for me. I’m not usually one to be open and vulnerable, but God has placed it on my heart to be, so brace yourself.
When we last left off, I was getting re-baptized in Vietnam. How did it go, you’re probably wondering? Well, once we got to debrief I shared my vision with the two people who were supposed to baptize me. Of course they were as pumped as I was, and were more than excited to make it happen! I couldn’t believe it! Here I was, in a closed country (meaning we can’t use the term “missionary” at all or openly spread the news of Jesus), having a vision from God fulfilled. If I’d ever had a vision from God before, I certainly had never attributed it to Him. Each month God has just been showing up and showing out for me in some incredibly major ways.
After the baptism I was on a spiritual high! Here I was in Vung Tau, Vietnam. My dreams of experiencing Asia were coming true. I was so ecstatic! Then, spiritual warfare hit me harder than I’d ever experienced it before. I received some news that hurt my heart a bit, and brought out some old wounds from my past. My wallet was stolen, with EVERYTHING in it: passport, credit/debit cards, insurance cards, license, yellow fever card, cash, souvenir currency and tickets. Two days later I found out that my great aunt passed away. Boom. In a matter of a week, my life flipped from high on Jesus to lower than I’d been in years. Coming on the Race I knew I’d have to deal with some stuff, but the things I’ve been through these past couple of weeks have tested me harder than I thought possible.
I didn’t lose it, though. I couldn’t. I was on a new team, in a new country, and I am a grown woman who should know how to keep it together. Right? Wrong. I handled what I needed to with all of the paperwork back home, the cards, and the passport. So, why was I still feeling so low? Christmas was just around the corner, and I knew it was going to be difficult for me. Fortunately, some of our other friends told us they were coming to spend Christmas with us. I was soooo pumped! Yes! Friends! They get there. Christmas Day rolls around. I lose it. I tried to keep the happy facade, but I just couldn’t any longer. Luckily I had one of my people whom I felt like I could lose it with. I did. Bawled like a baby…on Christmas. Loser! I was so mad at myself. Who cries on Christmas?! The crazier part was, right after I lost it with my friend, my team decided to do check-ins. I lost it, again, with them! What a sick joke, God. However, something truly special happened. Not only did I lose it with my team, they lost it with me, too. We were all feeling the feelings, and for the first time, we were all super vulnerable with each other.
God has placed me here, in this season, on this team, for a reason. I’m not quite sure what the reason is yet, but I know He’ll reveal it to me. Here I’ve been attributing my difficult times to God, but the reality is that God has been here, walking with me through everything. Spiritual warfare is real, and I have learned that there are plenty of factors as to why Satan has tried to attack me this month. He knew that Asia is on my top list; I’d just had this special God-moment; we got new teams; I had my things stolen; Christmas was happening away from home; all the things. Satan decided to use those things against me. I almost let it work. I almost let him have the best of me. But then, I pushed in to God. I hadn’t talked with Him like I had in Africa. I hadn’t heard Him all month. I thought He wasn’t there with me in this time. He is. He’s right here. When I finally pushed past all of the gunk, I found Him. I fought for Him. I fought for us. What I learned in the fight is that with open arms He’s waiting for me, always. He’s waiting on you, too.
I’ve been trying not to let my current situation stress me out, but yesterday was a breaking point. My passport is taking much longer to come back in than anticipated. We have debrief soon, where we’ll say goodbye to some really special people. I will probably have to buy myself and one of my teammates our own tickets across the border to Cambodia, because my exit visa probably won’t get in before the 3rd.
In all of this mess, though, God has been there. He has shown me the desires of my heart, and has given me small gifts each month. This month, He’s given me the gift of vulnerability. I thought that gift equated to weakness, but being vulnerable, I’ve learned, is another way to fight for the ones you love. Here is me. Here is my story. I know God’s got me, and that there’s always things to be thankful for. My team has been so gracious to me, and they’ve let me fall apart with them. They have fought for me in all of these circumstances, and when I’ve felt like nothing but a complete burden to them and others, my friends have been there to tell me otherwise. I am thankful for this season, and the growth that’s come with it. I am thankful for these people God has given to me; they fight for me. I am blessed to know that my Father has got me in all situations, and that he’s always fighting for me, too. I refuse to let any warfare come between me and my Father. I will keep fighting. “Not today, Satan!” Always remember to find God in your messes. Keep looking for the things to be grateful for in all of your situations. My friend gave me that one, so now I’ll leave it with you.
