new braunfels, texas
i’ve been home for a little over a week now (haven’t we all, though?). because of COVID-19, my time in costa rica got cut a little over 2 months short. so now, i’m back in my bedroom. i’m back to “normal,” but not really. my normal has transformed, which tends to happen when someone lives in constant community for almost 7 months straight and then is thrown back into their 1 person bedroom and 3 person house. contrary to popular belief, “normal” is not easy. (but as my good friend emma krone taught me, “hard does not equal bad.”) yes, i grew immensely over the past 7 months. yes, i made a few deep friendships in each country i went to that i will cherish forever. yes, i experienced things that some may never even be able to wrap their heads around or understand (once again, didn’t we all, though?). yes, i lived. i lived. that means i cried, i struggled, i questioned the whys and ifs and whens, i wished my time away sometimes, i got aggravated, i wanted to do more, i thought i wasn’t doing enough to help, i worried, i made mistakes, i regretted, i asked the hard questions, i argued, i waited, i experienced mundane moments, i sat in sadness and confusion, i grieved, i was insecure, i compared myself, i lived. that means i also laughed until i cried, i formed some of the most cherished friendships, i learned what it means to be vulnerable, i worshiped, i prayed, i grew in confidence, i worked hard, i overcame, i created, i learned, i spent invaluable time with the lord, i saw the goodness in myself, i saw the lord work in those around me in a bunch of different ways, i dropped the weight of expectations, i was patient, i forgave, i lived. this doesn’t even begin to cover the stories written into my being during this time. i think i would title that storybook “goodness,” despite all the heartaches and doubts that are written into every chapter. living is like that. we won’t remember everything we live through, and i guarantee we won’t forget all the hard times either, but for some reason the goodness is worth it all. this is normal. imperfection and messy conversations and the unknown and trusting blindly and holding on to the small moments that bring joy or peace. so, maybe new braunfels doesn’t feel “normal” right now for me either. as i sat in the backseat on my way home from the airport watching the city of austin and the cars speeding by on the freeway slowly melt into the city i’ve known for 18+ years of my life, i realized a lot things appear the same, including my blurry reflection looking back at me in the smudged car window, contrasting the hue of the late night. everyone won’t notice the change that’s taken root in me, and that’s okay. at first glance, i thought returning home was going to the same too; or at least familiar. and it has been in some ways… but in others it’s been different. but in the same ways hard does not equal bad, different does not equal bad either. COVID-19 has the entire world slowly blurring into a new normal that months ago was unforeseen and seemed foreign. it may be abrupt and it will be messy and we will all still be imperfect and our days will still be webbed with the good and the hard and the easy and the bad. there’s no right way to do this, to transition from the familiar to the unknown. let’s drop any expectations, whether they’re from others or ones that we’ve constructed inside our own minds. it’s okay to be scared. it’s okay to laugh. it’s okay to “waste” our time. it’s okay to cry. it’s okay to just sit. it’s okay to be alone. it is okay to do whatever you need to do, whatever your soul needs. be kind to yourself. have grace for yourself. the lord spoke these words to me a lot during my time in costa rica: just be. i know it’s simple statement, but isn’t that the point? in high school, i was so caught up in being busy all the time or else i would tear myself down and feel liked i was lacking. returning home, i started to feel some of that same anxiety and feeling of incompetency starting to creep its way back into my being. but anxiety and self-destruction are not from the divine, therefore making them unhealthy for a creation made by the divine. so i’m deciding to find my fulfillment in just being, or at least i’m going to my hardest. this time will look different for all of us; we will all be working to find a balance, and we will fail; but i urge you to not give up or forget the worth that your soul holds. i’ve spent a lot of my life questioning my worth, and all this has done is beaten down my soul and broken my creator’s heart. i don’t know about you, but i’m over it. i’m over trying to fit into the expectations from myself and others. i’m over trying to fight through my existence when there’s so much bliss in just being, just existing. beauty and goodness are at the core of our beings, so when you “mess up,” feel like you spent the day being unproductive, scream at your family member… when you feel like you deserve to rest in regret or negative self-talk, remember that our mistakes don’t hold the power to break down our cores, our souls, that the creator has made. we are all imperfect and yet we are still good. we are all learning a new normal. and that’s okay. just be, for your being alone is enough. and when you find a rhythm, that is enough. and when you screw up, that is is enough. rest in this.
[i plan on continuing to share photos, blog posts, social media posts, poems, etc. from my time on the world race, so don’t be discouraged if you happened to be looking forward to that. thank you for reading what i write. it really means a lot. i’m working on starting up my own blog apart from this one and a few other platforms to share my voice + creations + what the lord is teaching me, so keep your eyes peeled for those as well. xxx]
