2019 – you have been a whirlwind of emotions. Between getting sick with the plagues that went around work to being stuck in a polar vortex of freezing temperatures. One thing that’s for sure is 2019 didn’t start out with all sunshine and rainbows.
Flash back to the end of December where I spent most of my winter break in Ohio. I thought that the few weeks at home would leave me feeling refreshed with all of the holiday festivities, but to my surprise it was the complete opposite. During break I was a sad, emotional wreck. All of these amazing things were going on around me, but I couldn’t help but have this pit in my stomach. Being home made it really hit hard with everything that I would be missing the next year while on the World Race. I knew that I would be missing weddings, but actually seeing Lexi try on the dress of her dreams, I couldn’t help but cry knowing I would never see her walk down the aisle in that dress. It was like a punch in the stomach when I realized my best friend Cassie would be walking down the aisle while I’m in Georgia preparing to leave for South Africa. I tried to cherish the Christmas traditions, but knowing I would miss my family so much during the next year made it hard to do. And amongst all of this all I could think was, “Why?”
I remember thinking, “Why is God making things so hard? Why are his plans making me miss so much?” All I had on my mind were questions that I wanted answered. With no answer and no feelings of peace, I felt the enemy creeping in and I was doubting everything.
But then I went to P A S S I O N.
If you don’t know, Passion is a conference aimed towards 18-25 year olds who want to unite together to bring hope and light to the world through the love of Jesus. On the first night of Passion we prayed over what we hoped to get out of the conference. Over the next three days I prayed that the Lord would answer my questions. He would show me why this was his plan for me, why I would miss things that I really didn’t want to miss, and why it would all be worth it.
And let me tell you, he answered.
When you’re in a room with over 12,000 people your age, worshipping to our Heavenly Father, taking each speaker’s words deep into their hearts, it is truly something to experience. By day two my heart was on fire for the Lord. As we were standing outside waiting for the doors to open for the night session, one of the volunteers came up to us. He told us all about how he’s been all over the world and currently does mission work in Asia. He was going on about how we all have special gifts from God and we’re supposed to use them, and that’s when he stopped and said, “Like you.” He politely asked to speak words over me. Not really sure what was about to happen, but I agreed.
He said that I had a heart like no other. One that reaches out to all with depths of compassion. One that people come to in times of trouble for advice. But even though I have a big heart, it’s been broken because of how much I give my heart out to others. It’s been ripped apart in the past and I’ve held on to that past for too long. He explained that with my heart, I would travel to reach nations in the name of Jesus to heal them, specifically in medicine. He then prayed over me for the pain of my past to be lifted from me, for me to see my worth only in Christ so that I could take that love and to change the world.
The whole time he was speaking I was crying, like really really ugly crying, because every single word that he was speaking was the truth. He never knew that I was going on the World Race. He never knew that the Lord was placing medicine on my heart. He never knew about my past heartbreak. All he knew were the words that the Lord was telling him that happened to be the answer to all of my questions.
God wants us to ask questions. When we ask him questions, when we have some doubt, He will always come for us. In John 20, Jesus comes through the wall and appears to the disciples, all of them except for Thomas as he was not there. Thomas doesn’t believe anything that the other eleven are saying. He says in verse 25, “‘Unless I see in his hands the mark of the nails, and I place my finger into the mark of the nails, and place my hand into his side, I will never believe.’”
Eight days later, Jesus returns. He comes back for Thomas. He has Thomas place his fingers in his wombs. Jesus said, “‘Do not disbelieve, but believe.’”
And Thomas said, “‘My Lord and my God!’”
We were created for a life filled with this kind of faith. A faith that is filled with investigation. A faith where we question why his plans include us missing your best friends’ weddings. A faith that can has some doubt and has questions, but has no doubt in God. A faith that allows God to come through our walls and our questions to meet us where we are. When we ask questions and live our life full of faith, He or maybe a stranger you meet at Passion, will meet us in our investigation to clear a pathway for us to see our Lord, our God.
