It’s been almost a year since I left for the race, and quite honestly, I’ve been putting off writing a blog about returning home for far too long. But now that it’s time for finals (which will be long over by the time I finish and post this), I’m taking just about any excuse to avoid studying, so here we are finally bringing myself to write this. I don’t think I’ll ever find sufficient words to explain the journey I experienced both out on the mission field and when returning home, but I’m going to do my best to summarize what life has been like since being back in the states.
To put it simply, coming home was kinda weird. I suddenly wasn’t surrounded by nine God-fearing women that I grew to love so deeply. I didn’t have to take my shoes off when walking into different places anymore. I no longer got 50 goodnight hugs from the most precious children I’ve ever embraced. Everything I had known for 3+ months was gone in the blink of an eye, and it didn’t feel quite real. It didn’t have time to. I was home for about 3 weeks before packing up my bags yet again to go serve at Silver Birch Ranch for the entire summer.
Silver Birch Ranch is the summer camp where I gave my life to Christ in the seventh grade as well as where I’ve had many significant things occur in my walk, including being baptized there. This past summer I got the privilege to serve on the program team as the counselor director. Being the counselor director was not a role I expected to have, but it ended up teaching me so much. My main priority was to pour into the counselors so that they were able to pour into and love on their campers throughout the exhausting week. Having been both a camper and counselor throughout my years of going to camp, it was incredible to be on the other side of things. I got to see Jesus flood children’s hearts just as he did to mine when I was in their shoes.
That’s not to say this job didn’t come with challenges. There are more days than I would like to admit where I needed a few minutes to cry and ask God what in the world He was trying to teach me. Having hard conversations became a daily task. I dealt with kids who had been abused sexually, verbally, and physically. I sat and listened to teens who finally felt safe to talk about addictions, depression, loneliness, etc. Not to mention, we got hit with a tornado and had to shut down for a few weeks to make camp habitable again. I was pushed, challenged, and stretched in new ways every single day. And let me tell you, there were a handful of days I felt inadequate, frustrated, and drained.
However, those feelings were outnumbered by the times I felt joy and triumph. I was able to see hundreds of students accept Christ as their Lord and Savior. I was privileged to be apart of numerous kids hearing the gospel for the very first time. I got to meet so many campers, counselors, and ministry staff from different churches and form lifelong relationships with them. I was surrounded with a program team who encouraged me and fearlessly chased the Lord with me through all of the challenges and victories this summer brought.
So while it can be easy to think about the days this summer where I just wanted to quit, I can’t help but think of all the lessons and growth that came with this season. Something huge my team and I talked about while on the race was “being where our feet are”. I think I’ve always kind of known this about myself, but I love change. I easily get bored with routine and crave newness. While this isn’t necessarily bad, I’ve seen it prevent me from being fully present in the season I’m in. If you’ve ever worked at one, you know that sometimes summer camp jobs feel like living in a bubble. You’re surrounded by literally nothing but trees and don’t hear much about the outside world until after summer. Normally, I don’t particularly like that part of the job, but this summer I saw it as a blessing. I simply just got to be where my feet were —in the north woods of Wisconsin. Fully present and not worried about what was coming next —just focusing on the day to day life of sharing Jesus with campers and loving on counselors.
After summer, I came home for about another week and then headed off to Belgium and Spain with two of my friends. We spent a week in Barcelona and a night in Brussels going to beaches, shopping, hiking, and spending time with people we met in our hostel from all over the world. After that, I was home for another week and then packed up to move back into school. If you haven’t caught on by now, quick turnarounds seem to be a common theme in my life.
Going back to school after having a nine month break from homework was nothing short of a rude awakening. I had almost forgotten what it was like to have due dates and exams. As expected, it was definitely a transition to go back to having a routine? and while I typically hate schedules and plans, it actually became sort of nice. For the first time in a long time, I craved consistency this past semester. Being in the same place with the same people. Forming deep relationships and finding beauty in the mundane. I guess you could say life has seemed kind of “ordinary” these past few months (compared to the rest of the year), but I’ve still seen so much fruit. I’ve been encouraged by some new community at school, which I have prayed for since starting college. I started to lead Wyldlife, which is the middle school ministry of Younglife. I have a group of sixth grade girls that I get to goof around with before teaching them about who God is. I also very recently found a new church in Milwaukee that so beautifully demonstrates what it looks like to live for Christ on a day to day basis. On top of that, I’ve had a lot of time to intentionally rest in God and dive deeper into the Word.
I’m now finished with another semester at Carroll University. Even after taking a semester off and changing my major five times (haha), I will in fact be graduating on time. I am studying Healthcare Administration and Art with no real idea of what I want to do with it if I’m being honest. I know my heart is with missions, so I ultimately plan to work for a missions organization or do something ministry related after graduation in 2021. I used to feel like I needed to have everything figured out, but this year has shown me in just about every way possible that quite the opposite is true. God reveals His plans to me on His own watch, and they’re always bigger and more beautiful than anything I can draw up, so I’m more than okay with not exactly knowing what’s next.
On one of the final few nights of the semester, I sat in the campus coffee shop studying for one last exam. It was well past the usual time I go to sleep, and I was the only person in there. Many of the lights had been shut off, and I had somehow tuned out the low hum of the refrigerators and coffee machines. I was drained from staring at my accounting notes, so I took a short break to do a devotion. I opened up my app and read about looking back and seeing the ways God has moved after getting through something hard. It seemed too spot on for the moment. I couldn’t help but look back on how chaotic this past year has been. It’s been a year of running full speed ahead, and it looked nothing like I thought it would. However, as I looked back and thought of all the things that have happened this year, I couldn’t help but think of just how good our God is. “Good” doesn’t even seem like a sufficient enough word to describe Him. It really was the only thought filling my mind, as if my thoughts were a plane speeding down the runway before suddenly came to a halt. All of the wonderful (and less wonderful) things that this year has been brought me to that exact moment to see just how good He has been to me through it all.
I finished the semester with all A’s even after a few visits to the hospital to get emergency stitches during finals week (which had prevented me from studying for my hardest final). Having a break from school has been so sweet. I’ve got to spend time with family, high school friends, and camp friends. I even got to see some of my world race teammates at the Passion Conference in Atlanta over New Years. The conference was absolutely amazing and the perfect way to start 2020.
At the beginning of each new year, I pray for a word from God that He will stretch me in and teach me through during the coming year. In 2019, the word that God gave me was “intentional”— and boy did he show me what it means to be intentional. I learned a lot this past year about how much I value relationships, and deep ones at that. I know now that being sought out requires me to also seek others. Not only that, but I’ve seen the power, beauty, and transformation that comes with seeking others out. Honestly, I spent a lot of time this year being good to people who weren’t really good to me. It’s impossible for me now to regret that time I felt I “wasted” because it’s given me a small glimpse of how Jesus lived His life every day. I’ve found it funny how the world sees forgiving people as “weak”. How can one of the most prominent and defining features of the God of the Universe ever be called “weak”?
My prayer for 2020 is for God to use me in any way He needs me and for Him to mold me like clay. This past year has really stripped me of all of my own wants and desires and shown me how to truly serve. The word that God has spoken over me for this year is “openness”. Openness to his plans for what’s next. Openness to serve Him and lean on Him in new and uncomfortable ways. I’ve seen in 2019 what it looks like to die to myself and let go of control, and I pray for that to happen in 2020 and all the years I get after that.
I know this post has been all over the place, but frankly, that’s how my life has been this past year. It’s been a crazy one, but I can confidently say it has been the best one yet. I expect nothing less of 2020. 🙂
