Surprise, I’m back in the US of A!
This time last week I was in Craiova, Romania getting ready to see and do ministry with my mom for Parent Vision Trip (PVT). On Thursday morning we woke up to the news that due to the travel restrictions from the corona virus AIM had decided to cancel PVT, my squad and I all cried and began to actually grasp the reality that it would be 3 more months until we’d get to see our parents. The very next day we got word that AIM had begun to send squads home because of border closers and the quality of healthcare in certain countries that squads were in around the world but we were not one of those squads. Another day later we woke up to the email that AIM had announced that due to border closers, travel/flight restrictions and not being able to attain accurate info quick enough from countries because things were changing every hour, AIM had made the hard decision to pull all squads off the field…
I went from accepting the fact that I wouldn’t see my mom until June but still being so expectant and excited for the last 3 months of the Race to, you’re going home in 2 days over the course of three days. I’ve been back in the States for around 36 hours and if you want to know how I’m feeling..well I guess you should just keep reading.
To be completely honest and transparent, I’m not okay. I will eventually be but right now I’m not. Something they taught us on the Race is to grieve, to not run away from the feeling of loss but to feel it, grieve it and ultimately give it to the Lord. So I’ve begun what feels like in this moment, to be an eternal process of grieving.
Truthfully, it didn’t start out too well, well as much as grieving can go well. This is really gross but I didn’t shower after almost a 24 hour travel day because I can’t help but actually think, process, and talk to the Lord while I’m in the shower and for the time being I didn’t want to think about it because the confusion and the hurt was overwhelming. Well, update ya girl has showered and cried….multiple times and here’s where my head…and my heart is at.
It’s a weird feeling really to be home alone so suddenly after 8 months overseas with the intentions of being gone 3 more months. I’m confused as to why this happened, a why now, why this way. I’m really hurting because I had to part with 27 people who over the past 8 months have been my family who have loved me, encouraged me, and have seen me as the Lord sees me who I’ve also travelled to 8 countries and 3 continents with. I’m sad that I won’t get to experience the last 3 months of the Race with my new team and love them. I feel lost… really lost, the last 3 months is when you begin to think about what might come next and now feel like I’ve suddenly been transported to that “next” part without any idea of what “next” actually is. I feel like I’m waiting for something to come or to happen like I’m waiting to pack up my pack and continue on with the World Race and then I have to remind myself that that version of this season is over.
As I was talking to the Lord today in the shower about my why questions, why did this happen? Why did you call me into this season, to sacrifice my life here for it to end like this? It hit me in the face that that’s just the thing…sacrifice. The Lord told me to go on the World Race, to sacrifice a year of my life to go and serve, to sacrifice time with my family, to leave the community that I’ve known for 11 months. I said yes to that, to sacrifice and along these 8 months on the field I’ve sacrificed comfort, I’ve died to my flesh…I sacrificed western toilets and the Lord honored it all time and time again. During my time on the Race I’d never felt more content with just being with God, one month we had squatties, bucket showers, no running water and we ate cabbage all month BUT it was also a month where I’d never felt more content with life. The Lord asked me to sacrifice time with my family and the American culture at the beginning of this season and I gained a greater dependency and understanding of the Father’s love and who He really is and at the end of this season due to circumstances He’s simply asked me to sacrifice my other family, W Squad and it’s a REALLY hard one. I love being on the field and I’d do it for the rest of my life but right now He’s asking me to give that to Him. One of my squad-mates (shoutout Kenz Meadows) said something that I’ll continue to hold onto through this whole process. She said “God, if 8 months was enough for you, then it’s enough for me.”
I don’t know what this next season looks like, heck I don’t even know what right now looks like…but I’m taking it day by day. So that’s how I’ve been.
