“You say there’s no amount of untruth that can separate us.” – Simple Gospel, United Pursuit
This song that I casually threw into my worship playlist on Spotify has been something that has been holding my heart together for the past 2 months. Most of my blogs up until now have been stories and have been taking y’all on the ride of what life on the field looks like. Spoiler alert, this isn’t one of those blogs (please keep reading, it’ll still be good haha).
In the very first month of the Race I saw that I don’t let people into my mess, meaning that when I’m struggling or going through something, I don’t want people to know about it until after the fact. I realized that yes, I would walk through anyone’s mess with them in love in a heartbeat but for some reason it was so hard to let someone be that for me. The truth is part of being in a healthy community IS loving people in their mess but also letting them love you in yours. It’s something I think I’ve grown the most in these six months. Anyway, all that to say, I want to share with you my mess and my struggles since being on the Race. There are so many amazing things and experiences that I’ve had on the Race but it’s still life and I’m still growing and learning even more who God is, how He challenges me, how He pushes me to challenge myself, and struggle is still struggle. I’m not perfect but the Lord still loves me so well through my imperfections and my struggles, He’s pretty amazing like that.
The cool thing about living with Jesus is that something that is a package deal with struggle is triumph, even though it’s a process there will always be triumph, we were born into victory.
Here’s my struggle….and my triumph.
About our last week in Kyrgyzstan before debrief I woke up in the middle of the night from a REALLY bad dream. I woke up Jordan next to me to pray with me but as soon as I opened my mouth I was flung into the worst anxiety attack I’ve ever had. Anxiety had been something I’d struggled with in High school and a little bit of college but was also something I’d gained victory in, in college. As the days went on the anxiety was like a pit in my stomach that I couldn’t shake, I did what I knew to do…I continued to give it to the Lord daily, and to not claim it as my own. While the anxiety was still there the lie crept back in that I couldn’t possibly be connecting with the Lord because of this thing. Things kinda snowball once you start believing a lie, especially about yourself. Lies are ugly and they’re meant to cause separation, especially between us and the Lord, they’re meant to silence you. All the while, the Lord is seeking us greatly trying to get us to put down the mirror that shows you your false sense of self and to pick up His spotless mirror.
Debrief comes, and during this debrief we had our first team change, meaning that for the first time in 4 months I wouldn’t be with the same 5 ladies I’d spent the start of this journey with. All this time I’m beginning to believe that lie that I’m disconnected from the Lord, still had my anxiety, yet still trying to not claim it as my own, AND I was emotional because I was about to say goodbye to the people who had become my home. God is really funny because He tends to show you and challenge your capabilities when you feel the least capable. The night before team changes, my girl Nico (my squad leader) messaged me and asked to talk; I went to her room and she had said that leadership had been praying about the new teams and asked me if I’d be in charged of finances for my next team. I kid you not, I literally hit the wall and could not stop laughing (sorry Nico, love you). Every part of me was screaming (inside obviously) no, it was the last thing I wanted to do. How could I possibly be over something like that when I was literally a mess, disconnected from the Lord, and completely incapable of such thing. Of course I asked her if I could pray about it, she said yes but they needed to know by the end of the night….so that gave me about an hour and a half (lol). So I went where I can hear the Lord the best….I took a shower. After about the first 15 minutes of me basically interrogating Him with my questions of why, I suddenly got the familiar sense of peace that cut through my worry, my doubt, and my anxiety. I told God, with everything in me I want to say no, but I’ll say yes, because you said yes. So I said yes and ever since then the Lord has just been laying thing after thing to remind me of my capability. In this time I got a memory of my earthly father, he’s a lawyer. Here and there I would work at his office, and I’d answer phones. To be honest, I hated it. For one, I hate talking on the phone, two….I know nothing about law so I could never actually answer anyones questions outside of “what type of law does Mr. Sippel practice”. My dad would continually push me and say he had no doubt in my capability when it came to running the front end of his office. He would also say, “If someone gets mad at you for not knowing something, just tell them I’m your dad”. My dad saw my capability far beyond how I saw it and he was confident in it even when I would try to convince him how wrong he was. I saw this as a perfect example of how the Father sees us. He sees our capability and is constantly pushing us and challenging us simply for us to prove it to ourselves. Just like the Lord, my dad saw the bigger picture, he sees all of me, the best parts and the parts that have been broken and rebuilt stronger.
We are all far more capable than I believe we could ever believe. If you find yourself, doubting your capability, your worth, your authority, or yourself you’re probably just out there walking deeper than you have before, and trust me it’s a good thing. If the enemy tries to make you believe otherwise, simply tell him who your Father is.
