Randomly wrote this a few weeks back…on my notes app.
January 19
Ever been so called out by God it’s a little mortifying? This is me, kinda constantly if I’m being honest. I’ve learned to give myself grace and move on/learn from these cringe-worthy times, and believe it or not, it’s only built my relationship with the Lord.
He’s forgiven me, why shouldn’t I forgive myself? Don’t get me wrong, I’m constantly looking up to heaven like, ‘yikes, my bad!’ It can sometimes be quite funny, in the most uneasy way possible. But hey, at least I can laugh about it, right? If none of this is making sense, don’t worry, it’s a mystery for me too sometimes. But here’s my most recent example as to what I’m talking about to hopefully make things a little more clear – for all of us. I’m told humility is key.
Lately I’ve caught myself making mental notes of all the things I’m giving up to know and follow Jesus. It’s like, ‘let’s see what else I can give up in hopes to have a better relationship with Him.” And though this may not sound like the worst thing in the world, I can be 100 percent honest and say that my heart is not in the right place about it. I’ll do this thing when situations aren’t going exactly the way I’d like them to, think back to my list and hold it over the Lord like, ‘look at all I’ve sacrificed for You! Look at all I’ve given up!’ Yikes, right?
I’m in month three of this World Race process and I can’t count how many times I’ve done this already. When I committed to this journey, I immediately cancelled my indoor rock climbing and yoga membership (seriously so embarrassed at how much of a brat I sound like writing this). I cried. Shortly after, I contacted people to watch over my pets while I’m away for 11 months. I cried again. I quit looking for a full-time career in the field I love. I accepted and committed to almost two years of being single (okay, this one isn’t really that difficult lol). Cried, cried and cried some more (send help). Until one day, I got down on my knees and asked Him something I’ll never forget…
“What more do you want from me, Lord? What more could you possibly take away from me?!”
I believe in a God of grace. That is the only reason I’m able to write posts like this.
I couldn’t really believe what had come out of my mouth. I was angry and hurt. Unrightfully so, but still, I was. I try not to hold on to things for too long. Some things are easier than others to let go, obviously, but I didn’t feel like this was one of those situations. So, it was pretty quiet for a little while. Just on my end though – He always pursues.
After pouting like a kid for a couple days, I started feeling ridiculous for my unreasonable and down right bratty breakdown. I had made a little dent into Bob Goff’s Love Does book and decided to pick it up again that day.
Chapter 13: Bigger and Better. Oh man, did God graciously call me out! I didn’t even want to flip the page and keep reading, but at the same time, I couldn’t read those words fast enough.
Bob Goff is a legend and if you haven’t read his books yet, I’d love to send you my copies.
This chapter explained a game his son played called Bigger and Better. A game where you start off with something and trade it for something even bigger and, you guessed it, better. Point of it all: We don’t always make all these sacrifices to God like we think we do, we sometimes make trades. A sacrifice is usually giving something up with no return. A trade, is giving something up knowing you’ll receive something back. God doesn’t leave us empty handed. He gives abundantly more. He ALWAYS gives love.
I can count on one hand all the “sacrifices” I’ve recently made, but I can’t even begin to think of all the goodness the Lord has poured into my life. It’s just that much. I’d spend days writing it all down.
Now, I’m resting in that promise. I’m looking back at all I’ve traded recently and SEE all He’s given in return. He is faithful. I’ve said that for years, but recently, it’s had so much more depth. I’ll gladly surrender it all – lay it down at His feet; but I know I’ll never go unanswered. I’ll give Him my everything and if all I get in return is His love, it’ll surpass anything I could have ever hoped or dreamed for. It is the only thing that will ever complete me. He doesn’t see us as the blemished and broken people that we are. He sees us as His masterpiece – made perfect in His image. He forgives and He overlooks the things we’ve been dragging for years. And He’s just waiting for us to come to Him so He can pour more and more grace into our lives.
It’s all Yours, Lord.
when I’m lost You pursue me
lift my head to see Your glory
Lord of all
so beautiful
here in You I find shelter
captivated by the splendor
of Your grace
my secret place
