Some days I forget the ability I have to shift my perspective. The last 6 months worth of days have been completely outside of the realm of normalcy. Well, some days.
There are days when it sets in that I have homes in places that I would have never expected my feet to land. Everything about the last 6 months could be described as anything but monotonous.That is, at least when I shift my gaze back to where I was before this.
Somehow, every now and then I still wake up with the idea in my head that the only thing different about today from yesterday is the date. That’s not true though.
Everyday is an opportunity to meet someone new. I believe that all the people we meet are the people who will facilitate the next words we will speak and the next jokes we will tell. I wish I could even begin to iterate how incredible some of the people I have met lately are. I have met women who have made it through and out the other side of abusive relationships and I have met kids who I swear are going to change the world. Every story we share also holds the power to do the same in other peoples lives. The words we speak hold the door open for other peoples ideas to run.
I’m not exactly sure where I get the idea that anything about these days could be less than exciting. I think its easy to let the way my life looks from another persons point of view water down a moments potential to spark excitement in me. The way I expect my days to look when I wake up is almost never how they end up.
-I’m not sure why I even create these expectations in my mind anymore.
The only thing I think expectations have done for me recently is serve as a blockade that stands between me and freedom. The same way I feel when I think of what other people may be expecting these days to look like for me.
So I have been sharing less.
I don’t mean this to be a selfish thing. I want everyone to be able to see what this (almost) year of my life brings. I want it to be clear what I am learning and the areas where I have grown. I have grown a lot.
Right now I am beginning to blossom out of the habit that it living my life out of another persons context. Media has made it difficult for me to feel deep authenticity. This isn’t a problem brought on by anyone elses doing; its more like a personal sabotage of my mind on my perspective. With all of this, I am trying to be more intentional about altering my perspective. Consciously taking the time it takes to recognize when I’m not giving a moment the wonder it deserves. I am also trying to realize that even just wanting any kind of change is a desire that only exists because maybe I already have changed some. I want to grow beyond this though. Learning to notice and appreciate moments in all of their glory.
I am beginning to let the way it can feel to feel like you are in exactly the right place at exactly the right time consume me. This is what I call peace. Its the way I feel when everything stops- and by everything maybe I just mean my constant anticipation of the moments that are to follow. I have a bad habit of letting moments go by without full recognition because I am impatient with the next good thing. I even catch myself sometimes waiting for something new, even once I have made it to exactly where I originally hoped to be. This isn’t to say that I think anticipation is a bad thing, it is just almost inescapable for me sometimes.
I think its funny how is almost seems like moments were created more to be reminisced on than they are to be actually experienced. At least, that’s how we can treat them. Outside of my peace, I am really good at letting days feel ordinary until they pass. I’m pretty good at telling a story and getting all of the details right but I am working to create a life where the stories I tell are equivalent in beauty to the way it felt to live it before it was a memory.
I have always been good at appreciating the sky. The few sunrises I see and every beautiful sunset that exists to calmly close out a day. Lately I have been even more intentional with these thoughts. Taking the time to climb to the rooftops to see the sky without all of the busyness and remembering the way that when I wake in the morning the sun has just reached my hometown, ready to close out the same day I finished hours ago. Hopefully bringing a feeling of contentment to the people I love most.
Just starting to appreciate myself more. I am trying to find comfort in the fact that I am not who I am to myself to anyone else. I suppose that goes back to what I was saying about living my life in other peoples context. I am trying to love who I am and be okay with the fact that the way I truly am couldn’t be put into words that would accurately describe the entirety of me, even if someone did know the most authentic version of me. By me, I also mean you.
I don’t think there are words that can scratch the surface of the wonder that is in each persons individuality. I am also guilty of putting labels on peoples that maybe don’t accurately describe them. We are all anomalies. I wonder sometimes if God feels satisfied when he sees the complex beauty we all hold.
The sky and people are only two small things in comparison to the earth, that is only a small piece of the universe. I have plenty to appreciate. I have the rest of my life to spend perfecting this and giving each thing its time. Out of grace for myself, I would say its beautiful that I am 19 and trying to figure it out. I’m thankful for this quick paced life that allows me to think and feel all of these things so deeply.
