There is a lot of words that sound better out loud than they do typed out and I’m sure these are some of them, so I am hoping this can still feel as real. I know this may seem like something that has been drafted and revised or something that I could have altered to sound much nicer. That is something you don’t get the luxury of with conversations, it is what makes words out loud feel more significant. The transparency of words spoken out loud is something that can’t be replicated on paper. They aren’t changed to sound more gentle or professional. With that being said, I don’t want this to sound manipulated, I want this to feel authentic even if that means it’s messy. So these words are the most untouched version of my thoughts about the race typed out.
A harsh truth and one that probably would be better not spoken openly is that I don’t always want to go on the race. I think of the goodbyes and the discomfort, it almost makes me sick. I lose my appetite at the thought of things changing the way I know they will. Leaving behind a life I am familiar with to go into something that is almost completely unknown. Sometimes people ask me questions about the race that I don’t even know the answer to, things I just have to trust God with. I am filled to the brim with fear.
I don’t always feel like I am worthy enough to go. Honestly, I could probably make a pretty significant list of people who would be better at this than I feel like I would be. I don’t know as much scripture as others and I don’t always make the best decisions. I think of how easy it would be for me to not go. I could continue with classes and get a job. I could follow the same path most people choose; it would be just as respectable. Later, I would get married and begin a life here. Comfortable and complacent. It’s a life I am sure I would grow to love. I would have never seen parts of the world in such a raw version that I am sure I am going to. In all of its brokenness and wretchedness. All the sharp edges. I wouldn’t have to work so much and I wouldn’t be so concerned about finding the funds. I wouldn’t have to say goodbye to people. I know things will be so different when I get back. I worry a lot about how I am going to preserve my relationships with people when the 9 months ends. The heartbreak of losing and leaving people is one that concerns me most.
Going on the race is spending months hand-washing my clothes and showering in cold water and wearing clothes that have been passed through all the other girls in my squad (ok let’s be honest b squad). I say goodbye to the familiarity of this town, the humor of my favorite coworkers, the coffee shop I go to most often, and the bookstore I have spent hours in, skimming the pages of books I don’t have the time to read the entirety of. My hands will crave being close to all the hands of those I love. My heart will yearn for those things most, I know it. I think of the roads here that I drive almost every day. I think of people I keep in contact with and even those who I haven’t spoken to in months. I wonder how much my life will be different when I get back and who will be there to welcome me home. I think of the last time I will hug some people for a little less than a year and my mind even goes to think of relationships I haven’t been able to preserve and relationships that haven’t been perfected. I wonder what the distance will do to them. It almost angers me some days. It would be so easy for me to hold onto all of those things and never let them go. So many of the things I have here and so many of the things I have experienced are things I could live with forever, happily.
Most nights I pray out loud in my car after work, asking for comfort and He gives it to me. This is one of the most confusing and difficult seasons of my life and somehow I am calmed. I think of the reasons I am going. Reasons why I am going that mean even more than any reason that could hold me here.
I am sure that the race will change everything (this scares me so bad, but I know it is good change). Everything I am leaving, it is all for this. For the corners of the world who don’t know love. For the people I will meet who might not understand a word I am speaking but they will understand that they are known and loved because of the way they are held and embraced. I already spend hours imagining the families I will meet who will take us in and offer us dinner, they are people that we are there to serve and yet they are doing so much for us too. I wonder if they will even know it, the way they are also helping us. For the women I will meet; stuck in human trafficking. I pray they will come to understand what it means to be truly adored. I pray for every person I will meet and that I would be able to do something for them. I know that I cannot even come close to fully understanding what my life will be like on the field and these are only examples of things I may experience throughout the months I am away. I’m sure there will be emotions I have never felt and I’m sure my heart will love and break in ways I can’t even imagine now. The race will bring me things I know I am going to experience and for all of the moments that will come unexpectedly. Everything bringing me closer to God in those months.
The race will make me a person who knows and has felt God a thousand times better than I do now. Time and time again I have been told I don’t have to be worthy, just willing. The race is something bittersweet that will show me new versions of love and of home. It’s a trip that will tear me from comfort and then nine months later place me back into the hands of those I love. I will hold my family and friends close to me again and even though everything will be so different, somehow it will still feel the same. The race will be an abundance of stories and experiences to me someday. Ones I will miss, I know it. If this is what God wants me to do, I am going. Anything I lose would be for this.
