I bet you thought I was done writing blogs. I know I definitely thought I was done writing but I’m quickly finding out that I’m not the one calling the shots. Not really sure if anyone will read this blog as the race has been over for three months but, I think God is asking me to do this so I’m going to write this out anyway.
Incase you missed my blog called “Dreams”, I have been pursing a career in the Air Force. I have had a few hurdles so far, such as fracturing my tibia. After a lot of therapy and training, I have made it past that. I have made a full recovery and my run times are better then they were before I injured myself. Now I’ve just been preparing for this next career by studying and training everyday. I even got a swim coach to really make sure I am making good progress. With all this to be said, no matter how much I prepared. I was not expecting what was going to happen this week as I went to swear in and sign my contract with the Air Force.
I have been working with recruiters for about 9 months now. Just waiting for me to return to America. Once in America, then also waiting to figure out how to navigate the enlistment processes with Covid. After working with 3 different recruiters, lots of FaceTime calls, Tons of papers faxed back and forth, video recorded physical tests, online ASVAB, we thought we finally had it beat. All that was left for me was to fly to Anchorage, AK for a in depth sports physical at MEPS and then swear in. Everything was going well, I got a blood and urine testy, my vison test came back as 20/15, but when we got to my ears/hearing things didn’t go as planned.
I failed my hearing test in my left ear. I failed to be able to hear the 4000hz (second highest) tone at low volume. Then when the doc went to look, he also noticed that my right ear drum is ruptured (perforated). These conditions disqualified me. Sitting there, hours from officially being in, hearing the doctor say I will not be able to continue was tough. I was right there. I could see the finish line of this season and the start of the next. I was so stinking close.
I felt like I had all of my boxes checked and then got beat by something I couldn’t control. The only reason I can think why this happened is because I’m missing something that God has for me where I am now. I’m going to be honest, I’ve definitely been just rushing through the season I have now. Reflecting on my time in America, it’s been a blur of preparation for the Air Force. Now that I’ve had a day to gather my thoughts and I’m not just wallowing in self pity. This makes me think back to a sermon my good friend Jake Stoner showed me last year. It was part one of a series called “Relationship goals” by Transformation Church. The pastor, Mike Todd, was talking about people hurrying out of their current place and onto the next one. All the while, God is telling them they haven’t recieved everything He has for them in their current place yet. Mike Todd followed explaining all of this with a statement, “If you would embrace the place God has placed you, you would start embracing the purpose why He put you there.”
I’m not sure if this is why I got disqualified but I think it’s a good place to start. I’m going to try to really embrace this current season and the purpose of it. If I had to take a guess, I believe the purpose of this season is to overcome two things I struggle with.
The first one, I have wrote about before. I just have a hard time accepting help from others, with that comes trouble relying on and trusting people with things that are personal to me. This was something I didn’t really know I struggled with until the race and never really got past it. On the race, I did kind of learn to allow others to help. I didn’t however truly figure out how to trust others and let them in without it feeling like pulling teeth. Part of it is also a fear of being a burden. I believe where I am now is the best place to work on this. My home in IL or any of the other places I have lived, are all filled with people that love to help. When it gets personal or uncomfortable for me though, I am always able to sneak away. Right now I live on Wrangell island. It’s full of great people just like home but now I have no where to go when it gets uncomfortable. I live with my friends Anna and Jacob and I don’t have a vehicle so I am being forced to face the uncomfortable. I could go for a run around town on the island to try to escape but in 2.5 miles, I’m back where I started.
The second struggle is a tough one. I hate talking about it because I just feel dirty but I struggle with lust. Probably about a year ago I decided I really wanted to get past this but I also decided that I didn’t want to talk about it with anyone except God. There has been a lot of ups and downs but I’ve made a lot of progress. It feels really good to almost have this struggle beat but it doesn’t feel good to talk about it or put it out here for everyone to read. The struggle does still come in waves occasionally but I do believe I’m getting closer every day to winning this battle. This is uncomfortable for me to talk about or even ask but prayer would be greatly appreciated as I try to take these final steps to overcoming this.
As far as the Air Force goes, I have to go see an ear specialist. After the specialist confirms my ear drum has healed, I need to take another hearing test. If I fail the hearing test again though, I will have to begin a waiver process and see if the Air Force will excuse my failed hearing tests and accept me anyway. I don’t know what’s going to happen but I trust God. He has a plan for me. A plan to for me to prosper and to give me a future and hope. (Jer 29:11). Another thing Mike Todd said in his message was “God’s the one over access granted and access denied”. I believe this. Once my ear heals, I’ll be back. So as far as the Air Force goes, it ain’t over yet.
