This blog is going to be a little different than most of the stuff I write. I am trying to really dive into being vulnerable on this one. Being vulnerable is something that has been a bigger struggle for me than I expected. It’s not that I don’t necessarily trust people, it’s more of an issue of me being afraid of becoming a burden to people. I have just convinced myself that everyone else already has their own problems. All I want is to help them without weighing them down with my own struggles. With that attitude in mind, I always leave team check-in’s telling everyone a very basic “I’m fine” no matter what is actually going on. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t let much get to me and I am normally doing pretty good. There just has for sure been a few times that I was not ok and disregarded my own struggles as not important enough to share. I know some of you reading this, feel the same way as me. If we fight with our struggles on our own long enough, we will get past them, eventually. That isn’t the point though. Just because we can do it on our own doesn’t mean we should. We’ve all heard “Iron sharpens Iron just as one man sharpens another” but another scripture is Galatians 6:2, “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ”, even though it doesn’t get any more straightforward than this. It has still been tough to get this drilled into my hard head.
I grew up in the footsteps of some of the hardest working people I have ever met. I bet ya my Dad could build a house faster than the Amish and I don’t know who is reading this but I know my mother can back up a trailer better than you. I have always prided myself in being a hard worker like them. I have accidentally let that transfer into all the areas of my life and not just work. I wanted to be able to just press forward all the time and never slow down production (life) by burdening people with my struggles because I can carry them on my own. Something I have begun to realize on this race is that it’s not only unfair to me but also unfair to my team to isolate myself and not allow them to help me. Each of us are worthy of being served, loved, helped, and cared for. We are the family of Christ and “If one member suffers, we all suffer together, and if one member is honored, we all rejoice together”. (1 Cor 12:26) With that being said, I am going to fill you in with what God has been showing me so we can rejoice together and then also let you in on some struggles I am trying to let go of.
Last October, I was praying that God would begin to talk to me in a new way. At this time I was also kind of exploring different ideas of all the things I could do when I get home. Then one night I had a very real dream that I was in the Air Force. I didn’t really think much about it at first. Then a couple weeks later I had another one. In the dream I was back home in Ridgway, just walking around but I had an Air Force combat uniform on and that was really it. I had tossed around the idea of joining the military before but just kind of shrugged it off until now. I was beginning to wonder if this was possibly God trying to talk to me in this “new way” I had asked for. Then after my second dream, I prayed asking God if he wanted me to join the Air force, would he give me another dream. That very night I had another dream. Now I’m no wizard or expert in the true meanings of dreams but I feel like this is pretty black and white. I am confident this was God telling me he has something planned for me with the Air Force so that’s what I am going to do. The exact date of when this starts is dependent on when I get home but I have already been making steps toward this with my recruiter. I will be entering in under an special warfare open enlistment.
With accepting this special warfare contract, I do have to be much more physically fit. From the moment I truly accepted this path in November, I have been training ever since. I had been making so much progress and getting closer to the graduation standards all the time. Until now, after I hurt my ankle I have been at a stand still. I had my check up doctor’s appointment last week. After my evaluation, the doctor told me I would need to begin physical therapy in a week and that it would take 2 months to make a full recovery. My heart sank hearing this and I could feel everything I had been working for slipping through my fingers.
Resting and not working toward this new goal God placed on my heart has been one of the hardest things. While sitting around with a swollen ankle and a brace on, I began to doubt myself. I began to doubt if I would be able to make it into Spec Ops and if I had just heard God wrong. It wasn’t until the first day of lent that I really began to see what was going on.
Psalms 23:2 “He MAKES me lie down in green pastures”. This is God making me lie down in his presence. I was beginning to let this physical training interfere with my time with the Lord and refusing to rest. Now I am seeing that this is God just telling me I need to also be preparing my heart and mind for this next chapter and be thankful for this time of rest with him. I definitely still have doubts and worries that I won’t make it but I am starting to let those go one day at a time. I know that since this is something God has put on my heart, it’s all going to work out.
During these times of doubt there is a quote written on the wall of my hostel that I like to crutch over to and read. It says:
“I said: What about my eyes?
He said: Keep them on the road.
I said: What about my passion?
He said: Keep it burning.”
I’m not sure of the exact context of this but I feel like this is the best representation of how God is speaking to me at this time. The Air Force and Special Operations is still what He has for me. He just doesn’t want me to look at this injury as a hold up but instead as an opportunity to learn how to be more dependent on Him and allow my team to actually help me because we weren’t made to do this all on our own.
