I am slowly learning how to be okay with not being okay. It is okay not to have everything together. God is in control, He has it all together. Have you ever scene Pretty Little Liars? In one of the episodes Hannah and her mom threw plates at a wall. I loved that idea. I never got enough urge or courage to follow through. On Thursday I woke up with anger. I was angry at my dad for walking out and angry at him for passing away. I was having a hard time letting it go. I imagined myself holding a brick and laying everything down. When I was ready to lay it down I threw it and gave it to God. As the day kept going I found my self still seeing anger creeping up. I am thankful for both of my leads. I told one of my leads that I was struggling with being angry at my dad. My leader gave me permission to have a smashing session. The next day I went on a mission to find plates. I had no luck finding plates. I bought cups to throw and to smash. Each cup represented a series of frustration and anger.
1. Angry at feeling like a failure and not being good enough.
2. Angry at the day my dad left.
3. Angry for not having a warning.
4. Angry for not getting one more hug, I love you, or one more lunch outing.
5. One major lie that creeps in how can I have an impact on others if I could not have a bigger impact on my dad.
6. Angry at my dad for passing away.
7. Angry because no kid dreams standing in front of their parents casket and telling them I forgive you the day you walked out. It is an on going healing process.
8. My last cup represents allowing my self to be not okay and not to be afraid of feeling my emotions. I want to continue to learn how to heal and to process in a healthy way. I am learning not to box up my feeling and learning how not to avoid my feelings.
After I threw my cups I felt a weight being lifted off of my shoulders. While picking up my pieces of glass, God gave me a clear picture how He is always there to take all of our little pieces of anger or what ever we maybe holding on to. I am enough and loved.
Weekly Over View:
On Tuesday Cicrin threw us a going away party. Late afternoon we took a ferry to go across the island. We spent the night at a church. In the morning on Wednesday we took a bus to Costa Rica. In the late afternoon we arrived at debrief. We had debrief for 4 Days. Debrief was a time for us to rest and to process our first month and to get ready for our next two months. Today we will be going to an awakening conference. At the conference we will be meeting up with other teams from gap year 9 month and 11 month mission trips. I will be in the story telling track. I am excited to see what God has in store for me at the conference and for the next two months.
Thank you for your prayers,
Dalice
