My sweet friends + supporters! This is my last blog concerning South Africa which means my first three months on the field are over! I am leaving for Ecuador and starting month four in just one week- it is really crazy how fast it is going by. I am a big fan as well as believer in vulnerability and I know my blogs are typically about ministry and fairly vague, so, I just want to give you a breakdown of each month and where my heart was + what Jesus taught me.
Month One:
My faith is NOT going to be built on feelings. That is what I had to proclaim over myself and my faith until I really believed it. Much of my life, my faith was built on a worship experience or a time that I heard God speak to me. I survived on and expected these big revelations, ones that were few and far between, and I was always left disappointed because that is all I was sustained by. In that, here is what I had to learn: Jesus doesn’t want that for me- He wants to walk with me each day and teach me small, yet mighty things in my day-to-day. Not that big revelations aren’t good or won’t ever happen again, but I could NOT build the foundation of my faith on that. Instead, my faith needed to be built on TRUTH. How was I going to get there? Knowing God. How do I know Him? By spending time with Him. BUT, what you probably don’t know is that I have had to pray for a desire to spend time with the Father for the last few years of my life. It sounds terrible, right? I know. He sent His ONLY son to DIE for me and I didn’t even care to spend time with Him? Yep, that’s right. You better believe that in my first month, the enemy used that to DESTROY me. I was convinced that I did not know my Heavenly Father, that He didn’t want good for me, and I told Jesus that I was NOT going to give Him my whole life. Instead, I would decide day-by-day because so many people I know had one plan that they loved and desired, He wrecked that plan, and now they are somewhere completely different. Why couldn’t I just have the white picket fence in America I desired? THAT WAS HOW I FELT. TWO MONTHS AGO. ON THE MISSION FIELD. IN SOUTH AFRICA. After a dose of reality, I realized that I DID know Jesus and that He DID want good for me. I also vowed to Jesus that I would indeed give Him my whole life, no going back. If His plan is different than mine, I WILL follow, I just need Him to help change the desires of my heart towards what is set before me. Knowing I was striving towards faith over feelings, I began to CHOOSE to meet with Jesus and read scripture, whether I felt Him or not. In that, He has given me the GREATEST desire to spend time with Him!!!!!!!!!!!!! Praise. The. Lord. !!!!!!!!!!! It is with JOY that I can say that I have never chased after the Lord as consistent and willingly as I have in the last 6-8 weeks and I have seen SO. MUCH. FRUIT. !!!!!!!! Jesus, may I seek you for allllll of my days!
Month Two:
Now that I was consistently seeking Jesus and building my foundation on THE Rock, it was only right of the enemy to creep in with doubt. There were miracles happening all around me and I wanted to believe so bad, but the enemy had a hold on me- I couldn’t find freedom. One night, we were all together with two of our hosts and we were learning about the gifts of the spirit, specifically prophecy. We were doing an exercise that would require us to HEAR from the Lord and I knew the hold that was on me and didn’t want to be stuck in it anymore. I wanted His best for me! So, I stepped out in boldness and spoke out where I was: Stuck and seeking freedom. Another guy spoke out and said he was in the same boat and our sweet people rallied around us and prayed for freedom. I did not feel free immediately and actually had another road block come up: I had it spoken over me, two different times and from two different people that I had the gift of prophecy. No, NOPE, not possible. In order to walk in that gift, it means that I would have to hear from God on a consistent basis and I could only seem to hear the lies of the enemy. So, once again, I was in a place that I had to speak truth over myself. For me, I had to specifically speak of the things He has done in my life and the ways He has been faithful in the past. There was one day that we were on outreach and we came upon a woman who had just been diagnosed with HIV the week before. She was hopeless and full of anger. Two of my teammates shared of diseases they had walked through, one being physical with death placed before her and time running out, and the other having been addicted to drugs and alcohol. They both had stories of redemption and healing, !!!!!!!Praise the Lord,!!!!!! but then, the woman then looked at me and said, “So what’s your story?” GULP. Not that I hadn’t walked through trials or walked in sin, but I grew up a rule follower for the most part and didn’t have anything ground-shaking or “worthy” of sharing. That question stopped me in my tracks and there I was again, filled with doubt. The Lord IMMEDIATELY spoke so clearly to me: My testimony IS worthy because He took a sinner in need of a Savior and saved me. In the next 10 days, I shared my testimony 4 times in large groups and spoke in front of an entire church on the importance of a testimony. Yep- me, who didn’t have a “good” testimony and felt so unworthy. Jesus is the most faithful, friends. Here I am, the end of month two and I have learned the importance of a testimony + the power it holds, how to recognize + overcome doubt, as well as I have been walking in and exercising what the gift of prophecy entails.
Month Three:
James 1:19. I’m sure you have heard it, right? Quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. At the beginning of this month, I found myself time and time again speaking out of impulse towards my teammates, not meaning it in the way I said it, and having to go back and apologize + explain how I meant it. I got so frustrated and decided that I was going to believe that I COULD walk in James 1:19 and wanted to be proactive, so I made a rule: If I want to speak something to help better someone else, I will wait 24 hours and take it to the Father. Usually, I quickly realize that my comment is a preference and not something to actually point out, or, if it something to say, the Father will wreck my heart and soften it, making what I say TRULY come from a place of love. As Jesus would have it, when you pray for something, He usually gives you a place to practice it- He walks you through some endurance. So, in saying that, I have some exciting news: I was chosen as a Raised-Up Team Leader! Here’s what that is and what that means: During our first three months in South Africa, we had a Gap Year Alumni that has been with us and it has been such a blessing! Acacia has been so gracious in helping us navigate what it looks like to live this life and she has led us so well!!! Unfortunately, she is going back home this week. Someone is chosen to be the raised-up team leader for the next six months and they just help to facilitate things within the team and make sure we are staying on track with what we have been given. I am very excited to help steward my sweet team through our race! With that, something I have been learning a lot about and want to share with you is this: Often times, we want more responsibility. Maybe you are wanting a promotion at work or you want to be a captain of the sports team you are on, but let me challenge you with this: What are you doing with what you have been given already? As I desire more responsibility or more leadership, God is continuing to remind me that I must be faithful in the small before I am ready for bigger. In Jeremiah 1, God calls Jeremiah to be a prophet among the nations; however, he is not given all he needs to know at the beginning. As you read, you can find that God shows him something as small as an almond branch and although it seems silly, he tells God what he sees. Jeremiah was correct, he knew the voice of the Lord, and then was entrusted with information about the future of the whole nation. THE WHOLE NATION. But, Jeremiah started with seeing an almond branch. What I am trying to say is this: The Father has so much in store for you. He wants to entrust you with MORE. But, you have to be true to say yes to the small things first. As He sees you being true to Him in the little, He will indeed give you more.
What is something the Father has taught you in the last 3 months? I would loovovveee to know! Feel free to text me or leave a comment here to encourage others!!!!!!! See you soon, Ecuador!!!!!!!!
