Lead Me Where I Go
The white vans and chacos are shoes that I am needing to embrace more. The white vans are a daily reminder that life isn’t going to be sunshine and rainbows and that it is okay. The chacos are walking in freedom.
The white vans has been such a long process. I have cried many times, I have wanted to quit and just go home because I didn’t want to face these problems. I wanted to keep these problems hidden. I had shoved some of these things so far down because I didn’t want to face them. But what I didn’t know was that it was okay that I had all of these things from my past because it was my past and these things most defiantly didn’t define who I was as a person. Yes, I have smoked weed and juuled but those are things that are in the past. I have been remembering that people won’t run away when they find out what I have done. Life isn’t meant to be all pretty there are going to be days where it gets hard and those are the days that I need to really rely and trust the Lord.
The chacos are the shoes that I will wear because I will be walking in freedom. I won’t be living a life of fear or shame. I will be embracing all the things of the past. Some of them aren’t moments that I am proud of but if I can fully walk in freedom from it then and so can others. We all have a past but it is up to us to either chose to live in fear of what others think or we can chose to give it up to the Lord. I have really been learning that not everyone will judge my past or run away. I have really put my trust in the Lord that their is a reason that I have gone through all of these things.
Jeremiah 29:11-13 says
“ For I know the plans I have for you- declares the Lord Plans for your well being , not for disaster to give you a future and a hope. You will call to me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you search for me with all your heart.”
Jeremiah 40:4 says
“Now pay attention: Today I am setting you free from the chains that were on your hands. If it pleases you to come with me to Babylon, come, and I will take care of you. But if it seems wrong to you to come with me to Babylon, go no farther. Look- The whole land is in front of you. Wherever it seems good and right for you to go, go there.
These are two verses that I have found myself to really rely these past few months. The first one because it literally says that the Lords plans aren’t meant for disaster but it is meant to give me a future and hope. It’s meant for my well being. I have also called on the Lord and it seemed like he wasn’t listening but that isn’t true because he was listening to me.
The second one I have relied on so much because of the first part of the verse. It is saying that “I am setting you free from the chains that were on your hands.” That was a big part of Guatemala for me. I was breaking down so many walls that I had built and the chains had been broken their and it was my choice whether I chose to let the chains be taken off or I could chose to keep them their.
It has taken me a long time to accept the fact the chains that were on my hands weren’t, for me to keep on, they were meant to be broken. A lot of it was because I felt the guilt of so many things and I didn’t think that I deserved to be forgiven. The biggest thing that I felt guilty for was my sisters suicide attempt. I always thought that it was my fault, because I could of done something sooner or I could of been nicer to her. There were so many what if situations going through my mind.
7 years later and I’m not feeling that guilt as much anymore, I have gone through so much pain trying to move past it. I poured my heart out to the Lord one night, I had an inner healing about it. I have opened up to a few people about it. It’ll take some more time for me to fully forgive myself. But I have started to make progress on accepting the fact that I can’t fix everything and that it wasn’t my fault.
Shoes have become a big part of my life, which shows because I literally tattooed a white van on my ankle and I also plan on getting a chaco on my other ankle. I want them to be daily reminders.
When I first had these pictures taken I thought about what I could use them for and then Leanna told me that I could use them for my shoe blog. I never really thought about actually making a blog about my shoes. I have tried to write it before but it never turned out and I was thinking that is something that is very deep and personal would I really want to share that with anyone. No I wouldn’t but would I Yes! Why would I share something I don’t want to share? Well if there is one thing that I have been really learning that is VULNERABILITY. It is something that I am learning to really step into.
I originally first posted one of the pictures on my instagram and I was really trying to figure what to caption it. I didn’t want it to be some basic cliche caption. I wanted it to be more than that, so I started thinking about music since that is something that I love. I started thinking about Oceans by Hillsong.
As I started listening to it over and over I realized that I could use that song as a caption because it is a popular song but it also holds deep meaning.
The great unknown my feet may fail, And there I find you in the mystery, oceans deep my faith will stand. And I will call upon your name and keep my eyes above the waves when oceans rise my soul will rest in your embrace. For I am yours, For you are mine. Your grace abounds in deepest waters your sovereign hand will be my guide. My feet may fail and fear surrounds me.
When I stated listening to this song over and over I really started to think about the lyrics and this is just part of the beginning of the song that stuck out to me. The great unknown my feet may fail. Which is so true because when we walk into something that is so foreign to us there is always the possibility of failure. But it’s all about how we chose to handle it. We can either chose to embrace it or we can chose to continue into that failure. And there I find you in the mystery, oceans deep my faith will stand. The great mystery of the Lord is amazing because each day he will surprise us. There is no way that we could every know what he will reveal to us that day. Even when it gets hard and I feel like I am standing in the middle of the ocean and sinking my faith will still be there because the lord will always be right there with me.
I still have some fundraising left to do, if you feel at all lead to donate you can hit the orange donate button. Any amount will help, I am very grateful for any amount that has been donated so far.
.
