I have been asked how I want to be when I finish the race and there is only phrase that comes to mind and that would be
“ I don’t want to be the same person I was before I came on the race”
That is a big goal that I have in mind but I really believe that if I worked on myself and I let others inside of my mind and let them walk along side of me. I believe that I could go home a changed person. I know that I have a great team of women that I get the privilege of doing ministry and living with that they would be there for me whenever I need them to be.
The thing that scares me is that there are so many ways that I could change while being on the race but what scares me is that the moment I step back into Michigan, I am scared that I will go right back to who I was and that sometimes was not a good person.
I have been able to already change some bad habits and become a better person and it is only month 1, this first month I have learned a lot, that I will be able to look at myself in August 2019 and then look at myself of September 2019 and the thing that I would see would be the change that I made to my life. I have started to actually grow my relationship with the Lord, before the race I thought I had a good relationship but I didn’t what I noticed of myself was that I would tend to only go to him when I needed something or if the time was convenient for myself. I wouldn’t necessarily go to him just to talk and listen to what he had to say to me. I wouldn’t thank him for the things that I have been blessed with. It was like the relationship we had was only that “high” moment you get sometimes, but for me it was like that for years and I honestly didn’t even know that it was like that until I came on the race and saw how much I really didn’t have much of a relationship with the Lord.
I have started to do daily devotions which is also something that I wouldn’t do on my own. I have got into the habit of doing my devotions in the morning and on the days that we don’t have scheduled devotions I will try to make sure that I set time apart for my devotions and sometimes those devotions will look differently than the devotions that I do during the week day.
For me personally sometimes on the weekend I will only read a verse or two and then I will think about that verse and see if it has any relation to what I may be going through in my life right now. I have found that what I really enjoy is just listening to some good worship music and sitting outside or some place quiet and just listen to the lyrics of the song and for me that is how I will sometimes hear the voice of the Lord. Devotions for me use to be intimidating, I use to think that there was a right and wrong of doing them but what I have learned is that there is no wrong way of doing devotions.
For me the first step into starting my goal for my race will be to openly share my testimony with my team. Although that scares the living crap out of me, I know that it is possible and that I really shouldn’t be scared because my team will not judge or hate me for the things that I did in my past. I will just always think that those who hear about all the bad things I have done will judge me. I have been having a really hard time with accepting the fact that I need to start to open up. Although I still need time to fully process everything in order for me to openly share my testimony I do in fact know that they won’t pressure me to tell them if I wasn’t ready. Philippians 4:13 has been something that I have been really relying on a lot recently.
“ I can do all things through him who gives me strength”
This verse is something that I have heard all my life but it wasn’t until recently that I was able to really understand how much we need to rely on the Lord because he will always be there with us and he will be the one who will give us the strength that we need to get through the hard times.
I had my one on one with my team leader this past Monday and man oh man did that really just hit me in the guts. When I say that I mean that it really helped me to open my eyes to the fact that when I share my testimony they won’t judge or they won’t run away. After that one on one I just kinda kept on getting these little signs randomly and they all kept on nudging me to say “hey, it’s about time you open up.” I kept on thinking in the back of my head that I can’t possibly do that, how am I suppose to open up to my team when I can barely open up to those who have known me for years. There are still things that I haven’t opened up to my friends and family. How am I possibly going to open up to people I have only really known for about a month. Like how that just didn’t make sense to me at all.
I just kinda just ignored it at first because I was like I’m only thinking these things because of the talk that I had during my one on one but it got to a point where I knew that this was something more and that something more was the voice of the Lord. He kept on telling me that it was finally time for me to open up and I was thinking okay I can start by opening up to my team leader and squad mentor which is what I also talked about during my one on one and thought that is enough for now but I just kept on hearing that it was also time for me to open up to my team.
That following Friday I was able to talk with my team leader and squad mentor and I was able to tell them my testimony which scared the living crap out of me. There were times during it where I would try to deflect what I was talking about because I was scared of how they would react. That time was so good for me, but I didn’t like being put in that position because I was being open and I opened the door to them and that is something I can’t close.
Once I open up to my team I will be able to continue to work towards my goal of being a different person but I know that the only way I will be able to work towards that goal is by opening up. Which as I have mentioned so many times, it scares me. Like I know that by letting the fear control me, I will never be able to break down those walls I have built up around myself. I have built up so many walls that once one of them comes down the rest will start to also come down. I just need to break down that first wall down and then I will be able to let rest follow after that one.
The way that I see it is that the first step to addiction is admitting that you have a problem and my addiction is keeping everything inside and building walls around myself. I have made the first step and I have admitted that I have a problem of keeping everyone outside of those walls. The next step to addiction is sometimes rehab. Rehab for me is talking out what scares me about opening up and then after that coming up with a plan to start being more open. Which is harder because every time I think “today is the today that I will open up” I start to overthink everything and I also start to think of the worst outcome. I have been able to talk about what scares me about opening up with my team leader and squad mentor, which shows that I am heading in the right direction and that by continuing on in the right direction then one day I will be able to fully open up. That day could be next week or it could be at the end of the race.
I honestly couldn’t tell you when I will be able to be fully open but the one thing that I do know is that
“there will never be a perfect moment to open up to others”
I have been learning that the “perfect” timing is waiting and listening to what the Lord says is the time for me to open up. The Lord is not going to accidentally take you deeper you have to let go of whatever is holding you back and let him take you where he wants to because no matter where he takes you, you will never be alone he is always going to be with you.
I truly believe that when I return home, I won’t be the same person that I was before launch. Although month 1 is almost done, I do in fact know that by making the decision to be more open it will set me up to grow in other aspects of my life and they won’t be easy at all but in the end it will worth it. I have been able to look at life in a new perspective I have seen the beauty of the world instead of sometimes only thinking of all the things that could go wrong. I have started to listen to my own advice I have given to people in the past, because I use to never listen to what I would tell others.
When I get home it won’t all fall into place and I will still have to work hard because it will be easy for me personally to go back to how it was before the race and that is something that I don’t want to go back to. I have had this talk about how easy it will be for me to go back to where I was before the race. I have those things in our hearts that we fear the Lord wants to use those. For me personally the biggest thing that I fear is opening up like I have talked about a lot in this blog. when I heard that the Lord wanted to use that fear, I was like why would he want to use my fear of opening up to others. And I started thinking about it and I felt like he wants to use so that I won’t be living in fear for the rest of my life but also so that I can possibly help others who may feel the same way that I do.
This goal isn’t only for the race but it is also for eternity because I don’t ever want to go back to how I was before the race and I truly believe that if I am able to work towards growing my relationship with the Lord then I believe that as the days go by it will be easier for me to stay on the right track. I’m not saying it’s smooth sailing from here because I will surely struggle along the way but as long as I put my trust in the Lord I believe it will be possible.
