So I was sitting in one of my creative writing classes the other day, and it was my turn to have my essay critiqued by my classmates. Now, I have no problem receiving critiques. In fact, most of the time I wholeheartedly agree with what’s being said. I just don’t like being told face to face. It makes me feel uncomfortable. Ideally, people could just write down their comments and I would read them later. But my professor’s ideal for workshops is the exact opposite of mine…
I sat there, furiously scribbling down each and every comment that my classmates made, separated into pros and cons columns. Then, someone said something that I always knew about my writing, but no one had ever pointed out before: I use the word “just” too much. Weird, I know. But true.
There have been many a times when I’ve re-read something I wrote and I used it two or three times in one sentence, so I had to go back and re-word it. It’s an annoying habit that I can’t seem to shake. However, it wasn’t until someone pointed it out that I actually started to realize why I do this. I feel like I always need to explain myself or justify having my opinion to other people. This, of course, stems from my childhood, never feeling truly seen, heard, or valued by other people.
And it kind of makes me mad that this is still something I’m dealing with, despite how hard I try to erase it. My brain can’t be retrained overnight. It can’t help but worry about what other people are going to think, replaying every possible scenario in my mind. It beats itself up every time I do something remotely awkward or uncomfortable. Even if something is not a big deal, it feels like it is.
I’ve had to teach myself to ignore this feeling and do whatever it is anyway. That’s the only way I’m going to grow, slowly but surely. I’m thankful that my classmate brought this to my attention in a way I could not ignore. Sometimes the only way we can see things about ourselves is if there’s a flashing neon sign with an arrow pointed directly at the source. It doesn’t make it any easier to deal with, but it does make us self-aware.
Self-awareness allows me to be just when it comes to how I see myself. I see the good. I see the bad. I see the mess. And I start picking up the pieces. And I am grateful I don’t have to do it alone.
-Catherine Choquette
