Getting ready for a mission trip is hard. Reaching out to people I haven’t spoken to in a very long time for prayer and financial support gives me anxiety. I worry that they’ll think I’m begging. Or taking advantage. Or trying to get THEM to foot the bill. It seems like the moment I say finances an alarm goes off in people – which I totally understand. Which is why it gives me anxiety! Buying all the things I need is expensive and adds to the worry. Getting all the suggested immunizations makes me think I’m gonna die from a foreign disease. More worry. When people ghost me after I contact them, I feel like I’ve upset them. When I’m putting together all these fundraisers, I worry that no one will participate.
This is so, so hard guys, because my biggest fear of all is rejection. More than being lonely – I fear the perceived or actual act of people saying, “This isn’t worth it.” Especially when everything inside me is crying out, “This is so worth EVERYTHING.” That’s what I’ve been grappling with.
I could tell y’all I’m handling it and trusting God. But that’s not S.O.P right now. I’m working on doing so and I know I’ll understand how to do that better on the other side of all this. However, currently, I’m feeling crushed by the multiple thousands of dollars left to raise in only 7 months – three of which I’ll be overseas. Not the lightest, most hopeful blog …. but that’s where I’m at. I think I’ll go read my previous “Don’t Worry – Be at Peace” entry! (I just did and MAN, I gotta get in some training!)
Let me close by saying I love you all and thank you for taking the time to read this. Thank you to everyone who has prayed for me, donated funds, and listened to all my different fundraising ideas and troubles. Y’all are SUCH a blessing. In fact, I’m working on a blog about YOU. But this blog is for right now. I hope you dont mind sharing my troubles. I hope you know I’m always here to share yours.
