Hello all,
I have always felt like the black sheep in my family. Never really felt like I fit in. I felt the same in school as well, and even in the church community. I just always felt as though I was always in places I didn’t belong. I always felt like there was suppose to be more. I couldn’t pin point why and my mom even helped talk me though all my thoughts. Her intense desire to help me find my place in this world, still hasn’t faded. Combining all my passions and gifts into one thing, this is it.
I’m out here doing the thing. The thing I always saw myself doing, with a big push from my mom and dad -lots of reminders of this being my dream, I’m doing it. Going into unreached countries, sitting with the homeless on the streets of Cambodia, smiling at strangers, with the hope that maybe their moment of joy that they experience when they smiled back, will be a big enough moment for that to grasp the concept that there is a God so near waiting for them to find their way home.
?
Father, water those seeds.
I’m out here. Doing it. This is what I wanted. This is always what I knew I was going to do. Before I even understood, myself, who God was. This is what my mom and I saw me doing. But man, when we spent hours talking about it, we didn’t talk about how hard it was going to actually be. I truly didn’t know I would ever miss home this much, I never wanted to be there in the first place. I haven’t ever been a materialistic person, I really didn’t think I’d cry because my blanket that I stole from the airplane just isn’t soft enough. None of it mattered to me. Loving people, as intensely as my family loves me is what I wanted to do.
The song Nothing Else broke me. And still breaks me. It’s by Cody Carnes. It says
“I just want you
Nothing else, nothing else
Nothing else will do”
And as we were sitting there as a squad singing it, someone asked a question – the kind that makes you swallow hard and lose your voice.
“If you really had nothing else, except the presence of God, would that really be enough?”
As soon as that question was asked I saw my little Godson, Carter. My heart breaks that my best friend had a baby, and I have yet to hold him.
I saw my nephew, Landon. His words that he said to me ring in my ears, over and over, a 4 year old doesn’t understand why someone so important to him hasn’t come to see him other than on the phone. After telling him I love him, his response so innocent but a sting to the heart “I love you too Uncle Calla (sigh) but you can come to meema’s house”.
I think of Brayden, my little brother – his hugs, the safest ones.
I think of my mom and dad, my aunt and uncle – their unending love and support for me.
The list grows, but if I really could never have all of that again, would He really be enough?
I applied for a leadership academy in Spain, called G42. (G42 training is designed to equip leaders to live and teach a way of life seeking first the Kingdom. The training supports planting community or joining or starting a ministry or missional business.) God put in on my heart and I applied. Seems simple, then.. how do I tell my mom?
I signed up for G42. That’s all I said. She asked a few questions but she wasn’t against it. My aunt, supported it. Why did I want them to be mad? Why did I want them to tell me no? God you’re really working in their lives, thank you.
Then come the lies, maybe I wont get in? I’m not good enough to be accepted into this leadership academy anyway. I am not a leader, I can’t even speak up when I feel lead to.
Kick the devil. You are nothing but a defeated foe.
I can almost guarantee you’re lost. I’m just trying to let you in on whats going on in my brain. I’m not really sure what the point of writing this was, I think I wanted to ask you that question. But how can I ask you that, if I can’t even answer it?
I don’t want to mislead you, I am in a really beautiful place right now. My relationship with the Lord is only getting sweeter, I am in love with learning how to let Him be the one to love me.
If you really had nothing else, except the presence of God, would that really be enough?
Thank you God for Carter, Landon and all the other sweet little ones who look up to me. Thank you for my family and that they love as you do, without even knowing it. Thank you for the hard things in life and thank you for showing me how to use the hard for your glory. Thank you for already having my book written.
I’m praying a big prayers over whoever reads this, that you are convicted. That you desire to learn how to let God love you. I’m not talking about in a “good sermon Sunday” kind of love. I’m talking about that intimate kind of love, the kind you thought you could only feel with a spouse. I’m praying that whoever reads this breaks in ways you have never broke before. So that all you can do is give thanks and praise to the Lord for having things in your life that you couldn’t imagine never having again. I’m praying that whoever reads this, sees how big God is and that the walls of the box that you’ve put Him in are smashed down.
I am not really sure how to end this. My thoughts are still all over the place, but I’m still learning how to surrender my wants and desires. I’m still learning how to obey God, even if it means leaving for another period of time, or not. I am learning to trust God. I am trusting that he will provide financially for my parents to be able to come see me in Ecuador. I am trusting that if G42 is where I need to be in the fall, my application will be accepted and the financial side of things will be handled. I am trusting that He’ll continue to do the work in the lives back home, in my absence. I am trusting that his timing is perfect and His promises are yes and amen.
Because They Haven’t Heard,
Calla Rae
