Hello all,
I’ve received a lot of messages about when my next blog is coming out. The words are not coming as easy as they were in Africa. I have been in Asia for almost two months, and this is the longest I have gone without being able to articulate the things on my mind. Maybe there’s a reason for that? There’s just some seasons that you will go through, when there just isn’t enough words to compose a piece, for someone thats not in your mind. But I’ve been learning that my thoughts are important and people grow from reading the words I type out. This is me, trying to form the words that are consuming my mind into something beautiful. Maybe it’ll help you, and maybe it’ll help me move on too.
How does one grieve so far from home? I didn’t think this was going to be something that I was going to have to deal with on the race. A few different times I had it prophesied over me that the Lord is taking care of my family, while I am out here doing the thing. But here’s the blessing and I guess the curse of having a big heart. I’ve quickly realized you don’t only grieve the loss of your family members, and quickly I’ve realized family isn’t determined just by your bloodline.
What do you do when you’re over 8,000 miles away and you hear about the loss of a sweet friend? How do you carry on, with your head held high, doing ministry? How do you comfort the rest of your friends, who are now also hurting? How do you speak truth through a Facebook message? God what is the point of this?
While I was asking myself all these questions, I was reminded of a story from one of my teammates. He retold me the story of when Jesus heard about the beheading of John the Baptist. Jesus withdrew to go and grieve in a remote place, and was interrupted. And when Jesus saw the large crowd, He had compassion on them. He put his desires aside and chose to minister to His people (Matthew 14:13-14). — Hits a little bit deeper, when you’re the one trying to get away to grieve. Am I willing to still put aside my fleshes’ desires and to have compassion on the ones around me?
Before learning about this sickness that consumed the earthly life of my friend, leaving her husband alone to care for their new born child, I was learning about God’s faithfulness. His detailed plan, His intense love for His children and His unending desire to simply be near to us. I felt like I was in this constant state of wonder of the Lord. I continually asked myself “who am I”. Who am I, to deserve this. And any talk of what He did on that cross, had me sobbing. I knew without a doubt that everything that happens was because He had it already written.
Psalms 139:16 says
“Your eyes saw me when I was formless;
all my days were written in your book and planned
before a single one of them began.” CSB
But I was so quick to be angry with the Lord. My state of wonder turned into confusion. Like maybe God doesn’t really know what He was doing, as if the words that are written in the Bible suddenly had no meaning. That’s what satan wanted. That defeated foe wants nothing more than to turn my focus away from the Lord, and maybe before I would have let him win. And I would have snapped into this ugly version of Calla, not having compassion on people.
The Lord so graciously held me, and reminded me of His words. He held me when my mom couldn’t, so I could cry. And He spent days with me when I couldn’t handle the thought of being alone. Who am I to think that this life will only be butterflies and rainbows? I’m so quick to question others and their theology but not hesitant at all when it’s my own thought. Where does it say that in the Bible? In Romans 8:17, we are reminded that we suffer with Him so that we may be glorified with Him. We are going to endure hard trials, it’s everywhere in the Bible. But it’s in those times that we need to allow God to be glorified though us. We can choose to be like Job, fall on our face and worship the Lord. Or we choose to run from the Father.
Although I can not make sense of it or see the point to it, I’m choosing to rest in the Lord. I’m choosing to trust that His plans, that He already has written, are going to unfold into this beautiful masterpiece. He only writes one kind of story, and it’s not an ugly one. And really, who am I to try and make sense of it?
I’m thankful for the time that I was able to spend with Trisha. She was a part of my Youth Group. The years that I got to spend learning about the Lord in YG, she was right there with us. We danced, we sang and we cried as we grew in our relationships with our Heavenly Father. While I was trying to process everything, the Lord gave me this beautiful thought of how much joy she felt when she was finally in His presence. “Welcome home my child, well done.”
It’s okay that I’m hurting, and maybe you are too. It’s okay. We’re humans, but know that God is right there next to you. He knows that it hurts, and He wants to be the one to hold you. He wants to be the one to tell you that it’s going to be okay. He wants to be near to you. You have nothing to loose, by letting the one who created, hold you.
This is me, this is where I am at. Thank you for your continued support as I learn what it means to live fully surrendered to the Lord. It’s not an easy journey but it makes it worth it knowing I have an entire community of people supporting me. As always, feel free to send me emails (or FB messages) of any questions you have for me.
Because They Haven’t Heard,
Calla Rae
THINGS YOU CAN BE PRAYING FOR:
Trisha’s family – and all the hearts her life touched
Unity within my team (Team Redefine)
Whatever sickness that’s trying to enter my body, to leave
