It’s crazy that this week is my last full week in Swaziland. As my time is coming to and end I’ve been looking back at the past three months and processing everything the Lord has done here in my life. It’s been so cool to look back and connect dots of things the lord showed me the first week of being here all the way up to right now and how he was painting a bigger picture all along! Since the beginning of month one, Jesus has been breaking down wall after wall in my life that I didn’t even know I had up. He’s told me on multiple occasions starting at traning camp all the way through my time in Swaziland that he is peeling back every layer of myself to the core and then rebuilding it himself. Let me tell you, that’s just not that much fun. But Jesus has been so faithful to me and hasn’t left my side through the growing pains. One of the biggest walls Jesus broke down was the lie I was unaware I was believing that I could do life by myself. I believed that I could handle things by myself and I could run my own life. As soon as I got to Swazi I quickly realized that that was not the case. Jesus so loving showed me that I’m incapable of living my life without him and that he wants me to surrender my independence to him and in turn he will give me life abundantly. He is such a gentleman and he would never force me to anything and I think that’s all the reason why I wanted to continue to give more and more of my independence to him! As Jesus has been breaking down that lie in my life, me and him have become to grown intertwined, into one. It’s the kind of friendship where if you don’t talk for one day everything feels weird and you call them immediately. Another wall Jesus has broke down while being here is my doubting his grace in my life. Over and over he has continued to show up and remind me that he loves me through everything, no matter what. Jesus rebuilt my definition of grace and has totally restored my perspective of what it truly is. He showed me that I’m the simplest of terms, grace is what he pours out over my life because he loves me so much that he never wants us to be separated. He has already won the victory and died on the cross for every single mistake and mess up and sin I’ve ever committed and will ever commit purely because he didn’t want to be Serpentes from me! Because of his sacrifice, he see’s me as perfect and blameless not because of anything I’ve done, but because I’ve been washed by his blood and now when he looks at me he sees a reflection of himself! And the same goes for you! He has continued to remind me that there’s nothing that can separate me and him. We’re tied together forever. Which reminds me of the beautiful verses in Roman’s 8:38-39 which says, “I’m convinced that nothing can separate us from Gods love in Christ Jesus our Lord. Not death or life, not angels or rulers, not present things or future things, not powers or height or depth, or any other thing that is created.” How encouraging is that!!? He’s already paid the price for us, his grace covered us eternally, now nothing in the universe could separate his love from us! Wild! Insane! Another wall that has been broken down was my fear in vulnerability. Before coming on the race, opening up to ask for prayer from other people or sharing about things from my past or what I’m struggling with wasn’t something I did. It’s something I shyed away from. Vulnerability was a very scary word to me. I thought that I could hold everything in all the time and process things by myself without letting others in. Jesus has completely broke down my fear of vulnerability and now it’s one of my most favorite things ever. Living in this community has shown me how the body of Christ is supposed to look and act like. And a big part of living in community and loving the people around you well is letting them in. It’s crazy how scary the devil makes being vulnerable seem and then as soon as you are, all the darkness surrounding it, all the lies he tells you about what will happen is you share flee and light and freedom come in its place. Vulnerability breeds more vulnerability which breeds freedom baby! And freedom is something I’ve gotten a little taste of during my time is Swazi and I can’t contain how wildly beautiful it is. I’m constantly in the pursuit of finding more freedom in Christ. Another wall he has broken down is the doubt I was holding in that I would never be able to fully commit everything to Jesus and that I couldn’t because I’m not enough, he’s too good and I’m too broken so why would he want someone like me? And oh my goodness he’s so patient and so kind. He has slowly been revealing to me that yes, I’m not enough. I will be never be enough because I am human and I was born into sin. But the beautiful truth behind it is that he knows I’m not enough but he is! He is enough and he covers all my brokenness to make me whole in him! He showed me that even on those days where I literally can’t give anything to him, when I’m drained physically and spiritually, he still just wants me to come sit in his presence so that he can be the one to fill me back up and make me whole again. I don’t need to run the other way when I’m feeling like I’ll never measure up, I need to run straight to him and let him fill in the gaps! Jesus makes me enough because he’s perfect and so good.
These were a few of the walls/ lies Jesus has been breaking down for me and replacing with his truth. It’s been hard and taking these truths from head to heart has been difficult. But the growing pains are totally worth the beautiful work that Jesus is doing! He is so faithful you guys I can’t get over it! Back at traning camp he showed me a huge rock being cracked right down the middle and then layer after layer of the rock all the way down to its core being revealed and he has done just that. He has been stripping down lie and lie, later after layer and he’s working his way down to my very core so he can replace it all with truth! I want to encourage/ remind you that Jesus wants to replace the lies you might be believing with truth as well! He’s a loving father, he’s the father of all truth and it breaks his heart when we are believing lies about him and about ourselves. So talk to him and see what he wants to show you! I’m gonna end this blog with psalm 23 because it’s amazing and the best and so good. I love you all, wishing you the best always!
“The Lord is my Shepherd. I lack nothing. He leads me to rest in grassy meadows; he leads me to restful waters; he keeps me alive. He guides me in proper paths for the sake of his good name.
Even when I walk through the darkest valley I fear no danger because you are with me. Your rod and your staff- they protect me. You sets a table for me right in front of my enemies.
You bathe my head in oil; my cup is so full it spills over! Yes, goodness and faithful love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the Lords house as long as I live.”
