Most days have been hard. And yes, you might say, “Bailee, you’ve only been on the field for two weeks.” But in reality, the days were hard before the “race” even began.
Going into training camp I was asking the Lord some big questions. Why do we pray? What can short-term missions really do? How in the world will a white girl from Oklahoma that speaks English be impactful in a culture so reverse from what I grew up in?
Kinda crazy how these big ponderings and epiphanies began to surface in the weeks leading up to training camp and launch. I think part of it was spiritual warfare, but I also believe it was just a huge chunk of me having honest conversation with the Lord for maybe the first time in my life. I will note that I continued to pray regardless of knowing the purpose behind it and continued pursuing the Lord to the best of my ability during this time.
I think it’s important for people to know that just because you have questions and walk through times of uncertainty doesn’t mean that your faith goes out the window. I know that the Bible is 100% infallible and the Lord is so faithful. So why would I not continue in obedience just because I don’t understand every single facet of life with the Lord? That’d be like a child refusing to eat just because they didn’t understand how food brings nourishment.
Launch was when it got particularly hard. If you didn’t know by now, I was chosen to be the treasurer for my team of seven. When I was asked to step into this role at training camp, my word-for-word response was, “Oh, boy.” Haha I actually love budgets and was pretty good at math growing up, but being responsible for thousands of dollars 24/7 just made me feel a little uneasy. Okay, a lot uneasy. Anyway, I accepted and had to be at launch a day early for treasurer training. Going through that extra training was so helpful, but at the same time I had never felt so incapable.
Those feelings of incapability carried over onto the field in more aspects than just finances. I felt incapable of sharing the gospel, loving my team, doing ministry well and honestly, just keeping a conversation going.
The enemy was shoving a bunch of lies in my face, and unfortunately, for a while I was believing them.
I was scared of rejection.
I was scared of being robbed.
I was scared of being left out or left behind.
I was scared of doing the team finances wrong.
I was scared of missing an opportunity.
I was scared of letting the Lord down.
I wasn’t sure I was the right girl for this type of thing. In all of the months leading up to leaving, I kept saying, “Of course I’m going. Why wouldn’t I be? This is the Great Commission.” But once we finally left, once I finally boarded that plane…I guess you could say I was paralyzed by fear. This fear kept me from being fully present in ministry, and that was a hard pill to swallow. I thought that I had to be this perfect missionary that has good conversations with every local, eats all the food with a smile on their face, always hears the Lord clearly…
But that’s not me. I have doubts and worries. I threw up while eating a potato (that’s a story for another time). Sometimes I run out of things to say and get nervous to bring up Christianity.
BUT…I’m pursuing Him. A long time ago I committed to being content with Jesus alone if everything was taken away from me (specifically while listening to the song “Oceans” – this is important because at the time that was my least favorite song because it was so overplayed). Well, if you haven’t experienced this for yourself, God is pretty funny and likes to invite you into His humor. The third full day of ministry we started the morning off in prayer and worship. “No Longer Slaves” was the song being played. Just a few hours prior I had told a teammate that “No Longer Slaves” was one of my least favorite songs because it seems like every church everywhere sings it (sometimes I can really be anti-mainstream haha). Anyway, OF COURSE the Lord grabs ahold of my face during THAT song and says, “Bailee, WHY ARE YOU WORRYING? Why are you slaving away to fears that I obviously didn’t give you? And why would you be fearful of your bags being stolen or being rejected when you’ve committed the past six years of your life to contentment and fullness in Me alone?” (p.s. this was not an audible voice…just an impression…but one of the truest I’ve ever felt)
I’ve never giggled so hard during a worship song. I thought, “Of course, Lord. You would replicate an exact experience to confirm it was You and comfort me in laughter simultaneously.”
I needed to remember that HE is the creator, and I am the creation. My role is to pursue His heart, which includes letting failure and insecurities roll off my back because I’m not infallible.
At the core of it all, what He really wants is relationship with us. Everything else should follow suit because of our growing love for Him. All of these fears haven’t just suddenly gone away, but it’s something I’m walking out with the Lord. I was just telling a teammate last night that one of the ways I’ve seen the Lord love me deeply is through His patience with me. He is so good, and He is so patient.
So yeah…of course. Of course, He would use a white girl from Oklahoma that speaks English to display His love to a group of Mongolians that have never heard the name of Jesus. Of course, He would.
