I was sitting outside one day before I left the states and I was talking with God. My heart felt discouraged and I was tired. So, I asked him “Does it really matter…do these things Im doing even make a difference?” I felt the steps I was making and seed I was throwing was so small as I was struggling to even keep myself afloat at this point so what good where my baby steps really making?
“no mark is ever ‘too small’ to be considered insignificant” (August 15th)
and that was the response I felt pop into my head and resonate within my heart. I wrote it down that day and was reminded of it yesterday. wow.
Yesterday my team told me that one of the little nuggets from the foster home was asking where I was — I have been taking a break from ministry to recover after my adventure to the hospital from Dengue Fever…more on this later!!! — this is something that seems normal but honestly hit my heart hard.
from the moment I saw this wittle guy my heart was hooked. he is so freaking cute. Not only that but he stands out to me because he has such character for a 5 year old. He is a little rule follower and he is SO stinking smart. he also has one of the biggest hearts…seriously. he is so kind and he truly loves with all of himself. he is a sweet and big hearted old man stuck in a petite and tender little boy’s body. His voice is so innocent and high pitched it makes me want to just pick him up and squeeze him!!! Seriously he breaks my heart every time we are there and I find myself missing him on days we aren’t there.
The funnies part is that it breaks my heart because I always feel like I’m trying to connect with him and he could care less. I think he knows and sees my efforts and loves to just keep doing his thang despite me…its quite funny.
He goes about playing by himself, with the other littles or with the nannies that are on staff there. I smile at him, (probably to much lol) and force myself to give him space to come to me. my heart is hooked.
we go there week after week and the reality is, to them we are another face and just a temporary play date/teacher. Their home runs fine with or without us there and we are not some sort of hero. I don’t want to be that role or have some sort of idea that im making some huge impact because its not reality. Amidst this reality, you also hope that you are doing something right, that you are being a part of a bigger picture or story too. You hope that the love you feel and connections you have are real, even if they are temporary. You hope the little things you are doing are actually making an impact. Half way across the world or for the neighbor lady next door dont we all hope this though? Arent we all hoping that the love we do for friends and family or random strangers actually does something, is bigger than us?
So anyways, to hear that he noticed my absence AND that he knew my name, really hit me. It probably isn’t really that big of a deal, but it gives me that glimmer of hope that if nothing else, these kiddos know there are people who actually care, and not because they have to. I hope that it affirms that they are lovable and special, not because of pity or cuteness but because that is the truth of all human life; we all are loved, not because of what we do but because of who we are, despite anyhting else. Im cringing at how cliche that is , but for real. Im seeing in a such a deep way how tangible, real, powerful and accessible love really is. Love is powerful, especially when it comes from an overflow, not the limited amount that we attempt to hold and pour out when we cut ourselves off from our source — when we cut ourselves off from God. Loving from an overflow is changing my life.
So, here’s my take away.
the small things matter. this is real life. we aren’t here saving orphans and doing this and that and Im glad im not some hero of a story. but we get this incredible opportunity to love kids and they notice it. that is a huge win!! Its small yes, but not insignificant. No act of love is ever insignificant. it’s not about us and thats why it’s so beautiful. I know someday they’ll probably forget us and that is okay. Our time will most likely be a blur in the midst of childhood memories. but I won’t forget. I will remember and hold onto the truth that no mark is ever too small, that the little things do matter and love is never wasted.
