“The works of His hands are faithful and just; all His precepts are trustworthy; they are established forever and ever, to be performed with faithfulness and uprightness.” Psalm 111:7-8
One of the most commonly asked questions that I get nowadays is what led me to do the World Race? That’s a hard question to answer, because the answer is both really simple and really complicated at the same time (fair warning, that means long post ahead). The simple answer? Jesus. It was ALL Jesus. There is nothing in me that would do this on my own, but only by His grace and faithfulness towards me. The long answer is even more than I can comprehend, because I believe that Jesus has been preparing me for this for longer than I even realized, but I will do my best to summarize just a few of the ways that looking back, I can see how He was preparing my heart. If you want to go way back, I’ve always had a heart for missions – I went on several short-term trips when I was a teenager and again in college, and in the back of my mind I was always a little afraid that He was going to call me into missions one day. But then life happened…I graduated college, I got a job, there’s this little thing called bills that needed to paid, and there really just didn’t seem to be the opportunity. Not to mention I liked my life the way that it was, so why would I pack up and leave? But I want to focus on some more recent things, so fast forward a bit to about two years ago, when my life changed in a way that I never expected or wanted – a way that made me question God, myself, life, everything. I won’t get into the details of that now because this is already going to be long, but suffice to say that the last two years of my life have easily been the hardest, darkest days that I’ve experienced in a lot of ways. But through it all, God remained constant and even when I wanted to give up on Him, He refused to give up on me. There were a lot of ups and downs along the way, but one moment in particular that I remember was in October 2017, when I wrote this…
“…some days it’s harder to see through the darkness. Lately it’s been dark, with no light at the end of the tunnel. A lot of times it’s felt like anything that I want and ask for, God does the opposite. So much so that I drifted into the mindset that once He gives me what I want, then I’ll worship and serve Him, but until then, I’ll just keep surviving, worshiping but at arm’s length, praying but not too personal. But that didn’t get me anywhere, and still left me feeling lonely and searching. So, finally I sat down with my coffee in a hammock in the woods of West Virginia, and I asked God what He wanted from me. And He said that He wants me to desire Him first. Not different circumstances, a new job, an easy life. For so long, I’ve wanted and asked for things or circumstances, that I didn’t even realize that I did put those things above Him. When I did talk to God, it was just to ask for them. I knew that those things wouldn’t satisfy me, but I said that once I got them, then I could fully worship God. But the truth is, I need to start with God and worshiping Him for who He is and what He’s done for me on the cross, then God can begin to fulfill His purposes for me, whatever that may be. It might not be what I want, but I can trust that it will be for His glory and my good. So, Lord, please help me to let go of my desires and to seek You first. Reveal Yourself to me and draw near to me, and in so, reveal the areas of my heart that need to be changed and refined. Help me to trust you and to run towards you no matter what life’s circumstance, and please, Lord, let nothing be wasted. I am in Your hands.”
Fast forward a few more months to March 2018. My best friend and I had been training for a marathon – it was on both of our bucket lists, so why not do it together? We made it to two weeks before race day (with a lot of sweat and tears in between…let me just give you this picture – waking up before the sun on a Saturday morning in the depths of winter to willingly run 15+ miles in temperatures that were in the teens and snow falling in your face…now repeat that every weekend for two months), when we were out on one of our “short” 12 mile runs, I felt my leg start hurting…progressing to limping back to the car…to finding out that I fractured my hip and not only would I not be able to run the marathon that I had worked so hard for, but I would also need surgery to fix it. This brought about all kinds of emotions, disappointment being a big one. Crazy as it may be, I was actually looking forward to the marathon. It was something that I worked really hard for, and finally felt like something good that was happening for me. Then to find out that I fractured my hip brought up a lot of those same questions I had been asking God for a while now. But spoiler alert, God was faithful and He used that time to draw me closer to Him…after all, there’s not that much you can do when you can’t walk for over a month. But don’t let me fool you, that wasn’t my first response and it certainly wasn’t pretty – but God brought people into my life in that season to call me out and to point me back to Him. I specifically remember reading Esther, and one of the things that I was reminded of is that the timing of everything in Esther doesn’t make sense in an earthly perspective…it took 12 months of preparation before Esther won the king’s favor, then once she had his favor and he even told her she could have anything that she asked for, she continued to wait and had two banquets before she revealed her request. I don’t know about you, but I struggle with waiting. But during that time, God was working “behind the seen.” God is never mentioned in the book of Esther, and yet His hand is all over her story. “On that night the king could not sleep” (6:1), so he had chronicles read to him and he remembered Mordecai. This reminded me that God IS able, and He doesn’t need my help – He woke the king up in the middle of the night, knowing that it would lead him to remember and honor Mordecai. At the end of Esther, the Jews “got relief from their enemies, and as the month that had been turned for them from sorrow into gladness and from mourning into a holiday; that they should make them days of feasting and gladness” (9:22). The story of Esther reminds me that God is in the details, He cares and is present, working even if we cannot see it directly. After reading Esther, I asked God to help me be more like her…to be brave, to listen for His voice and to obey, to act with grace and humility, and to be patient in His timing. Fast forward a couple more months to July, and I want to share an excerpt from a prayer that I wrote on my birthday…
“Lord, if I’m honest, my life today isn’t what I would’ve chosen for myself or ever imagined that it would be, but I’m choosing to trust that Your plan is bigger and better than my own – that You are faithful and just and trustworthy….I ask that you would continue working in my heart, continue teaching me, and drawing me closer to You, molding me into the woman that you want me to be. And I ask that you would use me, Lord. Use my pain and my hurt and my experiences to bless others. Nothing is wasted. You are able to do exceedingly more than I can ask or imagine. Amaze me, Lord. I am Yours. Let this next year be filled with your glory and honor and praise. Continue to bring healing upon my heart, and show me what it is that You have for me, Lord. I want to do your will. I want to be used by You. And if I may, Lord, I ask for Your abundant blessings for year 29. If I’m honest, I’m afraid to ask because I didn’t always get what I asked for in 28, but I’m trusting that even if 29 isn’t what I imagined either, that one day Your purposes will be revealed, and even if they aren’t, that Your ways are higher than my ways.”
Within the next few days, I read the quote that I shared in my first blog post, and shortly after that is when my friend mentioned the World Race, and I literally could not get it out of my mind. Full disclosure, I tried really hard NOT to think about it, because I didn’t want to have to go, and I knew that if God told me to, that I couldn’t tell Him no. And that’s exactly what happened. He put it on my heart in such a way that I knew it was from Him, because there was no other explanation. But I’ve learned that there is no better place to be than in God’s will, so if He has called me to go, then I am eager and excited to go where He is leading. I don’t know what to expect next year, but a few things I am certain – The works of His hands are faithful and just; all His precepts are trustworthy; they are established forever and ever, to be performed with faithfulness and uprightness.
