A barn & a cross.
Satan & Jesus.
The other day on a run, I decided to take the path across the street from my house; the one that brings back painful memories.
This path leads to the place of my dad’s death: an old horse barn, where he hung himself.
It pains me even to type those words, but finding the courage to face this brokenness from my past reminds me that I have overcome it. No, that Jesus has overcome it.
It’s interesting, because not more than a two-minute walk from that barn is an outdoor chapel. A sanctuary with a cross and an altar made of stone. This place that I unexpectedly came across one day several years ago reminded me of the everlasting life I have in Christ Jesus. It reminded me that Jesus died to save my life because I am deeply loved. It reminded me that He has gone before me in all of the circumstances and hardships I will face. It reminded me that He fully understands the pain that I went through (and still, to this day, feel in moments), and that He is my Comforter in the midst. He is by my side. Always.
These reminders give me the hope I wish my dad had.
I often pray that in my dad’s final moments on this earth, as he contemplated suicide, he walked a few feet further into the woods to sit at the foot of this cross. I pray that, although he didn’t have a relationship with Jesus, he used his last few breaths to surrender his burdens and plead with the Father to bring him home. I cannot fathom the mental and emotional pain that brought him to this place, but I pray he left this world with at least a sliver of hope.
“But Hezekiah prayed for them, saying, ‘May the Lord, who is good, pardon everyone who sets their heart on seeking God — the Lord, the God of their ancestors — even if they are not clean according to the rules of the sanctuary’ and the Lord heard Hezekiah and healed the people.”
2 Chronicles 30:18-20
This is my prayer.
There are many things I wish to talk about here, but here are a few:
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I hold hurt in my heart knowing that my dad never knew the Lord. I wish someone in his life would have shown him the real Jesus. I wish he would have known that Someone had already carried the heavy burdens he tried to carry all by himself, and that he could release them to find rest. I wish he would have known how deeply loved he was by his Creator when people failed to return the love he so graciously and abundantly poured out. It hurts me to know he was hurting beneath the surface. Check in on your loved ones, friends.
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I find this to be a reminder that the Lord is always near. The enemy surrounds us on every side in this world. Sin and temptation are on every corner. It can seem impossible to escape at times, but if you intentionally step away for a moment to search in the quiet, you will hear God’s voice. When entering this park across the street, the first thing you’ll find is the barn. Out in the open, big, and impossible to miss. But if you walk a bit further, deeper into the woods, out of the open, in a hidden spot off the beaten path, you will find a quaint, welcoming sanctuary. A place where I have found refuge. A place to rest. A place filled with God’s presence. A place that reminds me that the pain that took place a few feet away did not win. That the brokenness I have experienced is in my past now. The Lord has called me to come to Him, in Whom I will find everlasting peace, comfort, and joy.
“But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find Him if you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul. When you are in distress and all these things have happened to you, then in later days you will return to the Lord your God and obey Him. For the Lord your God is a merciful God; He will not abandon or destroy you, or forget the covenant with your ancestors.” Deuteronomy 4:29-31
- I think about my dad when I read this verse, but I also think about my own walk with the Lord. The tragedy I experienced almost four years ago left me with nowhere to turn but to God. The breath was knocked out of my lungs and I fell to my knees. I found the Lord lovingly awaiting my return with open arms. His grace and mercy drew me close and have not let me go since. The way I experienced reconciliation with the Father gives me a vision of how my dad might have found Him at his end. He was there at his death. He does not abandon His children in distress. He was near, even if my dad felt far from Him. Jesus died on the cross so we could live in communion with the One who so intricately designed every detail of our lives. He paid the price so that maybe, just maybe, one day we would open our hearts to receive the love He wants to freely give.
“God did this so that they would seek Him and perhaps reach out for Him and find Him, though He is not far from any one of us.”
Acts 17:27
My point in sharing all of this is to give you a glimpse into my heart as well as show you part of my motivation to go on this World Race journey.
I don’t want anyone to go through what my dad did. I don’t want anyone to feel the pain that he did without the hope of Christ. My goal for this year is to share with as many people as I can the love of Jesus and the hope of an eternity with our Heavenly Father. He is so good, and He is waiting for our “yes” to allow us to experience all He has in store. He wants an intimate relationship with each one of His children so that we can live our lives to the full: full of joy, peace, compassion, and love. This is what we all hope for, right?
What are you waiting for?
Will you help me join my squad to bring this hope to parts of the world who have never even heard the name of Jesus? I cannot imagine the suffering these nations are facing without hope of a Savior who has overcome it all. We are desperate to build His kingdom in these places. To do this, I need your help.
I’ll make it easy for you.
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Xoxo,
Allison
