will you hold me close even when I am full of shame
For a lot of my life I thought the Lord was the man portrayed in the first paragraph below. I know now that he is, was, and always will be, the man in the second. what a gentle father I have.
“My hands are shaky and I don’t want to look you in the eye. I look down at my hands and see nothing but flaws. They are small and my nails are jagged and with each wrinkle I feel nothing but shame. so much shame. shame for what these hands have done. shame for where these hands have been. shame. the hands that laid in my lap while thoughts turned to action and action lead to disappointment. lead to shame. these hands. I hate these hands. I think to myself. I can’t look up into your eyes. I hear the anger in your voice as you tell me to look at you. I don’t want to. I don’t want to look at him. With tears flooding my eyes… I can’t bring myself to look up. I can’t bring myself to see the look that I’ve seen far too many times. the look of something so much worse than disappointment. knowing that if I lift my head I will be met by the gaze of my heavenly father… and he will not want me. in his eyes I will see that i have put him to shame. I’ll see he is embarrassed. and angry. disappointed… I’ll see someone who does not want me. someone who does not want me. so i look at my hands. sitting with my legs crossed and hair covering my face i look no where but my hands. I am so shameful. I don’t want you to reject me. I don’t want to see you. I don’t want to see your face. please don’t make me look at you… I have been here before. I don’t want to see how I feel reflected in your eyes. disappointment. so much anger. I know the look. I don’t want to see it. I don’t want to see it. I already feel it. I know. please don’t make me look up. with my heart broken and in the pit of my stomach, I fidget and shake and I know that makes you angry. I know you look at me and see nothing but a daughter that has fallen short. again. I am so full of shame. but I know you won’t hold me. you won’t hold me because you are ashamed. You won’t hold me because you don’t want to… I am dirty. I know. I am not worthy of it. I am not… I am sorry. I shake and I cry and I can’t look in your eyes. so I look at my hands. and with fear of the answer I look at your feet, your precious and blameless feet, the feet of the Lord, and ask the question…
‘will you hold me close even when I am full of shame?’
I look at my hands. and in a blink I see yours. I see yours holding mine. I see my tiny hands covered in big ones. these dirty hands are now intertwined with hands that handcrafted the sun, the mountains, and the ocean. these hands are holding mine. His hands are holding mine. the hands that own heaven and earth. the hands of Jesus. these hands go to my face and wipe away the tears. I feel these hands gently pull my hair behind my ears. I feel these hands wrap around me. I exhale like I’d been waiting for this embrace for 19 years. I collapse into these hands. I weep in these hands… and I look up… I look up into your eyes. your eyes are not angry, disappointed, or shameful. they are proud. they are safe… they offer freedom. they are glossed with tears. and in the silence you tell me yes. you tell me that you hold me close even when I am full of shame. you see the apology before it leaves my lips and you tell me I am not the decisions I have made. you tell me I am more. you tell me that my inheritance is the Kingdom of heaven. you pull me in and whisper in my ear the words ‘oh sweet daughter of mine’. in the softness of your voice i feel it. you have pride rooted so deep in me… no mistake, shortcoming, or failure could ever take away that pride. I feel the love rush into the cracks of my broken heart. you hold me close. so close. our breath rises and falls in sync. I weep in these arms that are so big. I weep in the sanctuary of your embrace. I feel you. you are not angry. or disappointed. you are proud… you want me. you want me. you’ve always wanted me. I am yours. all shame is drowned in the blood of the father whose arms are wrapped so tightly around my body. I look into your eyes. they are blue and green. I see myself in the reflection of yours. I see myself in a white dress. I see myself in your eyes… and I am blameless. I am innocent. I am your daughter. I see myself. and I see you. I see you. A father that holds me close even when I am full of shame. A father that says shame isn’t mine. you hold my hands… I’m not shaking or fidgeting… I am still. and in the stillness comes peace. my hands wrapped in yours, I close my eyes to rest. I let breath fill my lungs… I know that I am loved. you hold me close even when I am full of shame… you take my shame. what a gentle father I have.”
