Hi friends! I’m not going to lie to you… I have had this jumble of thoughts and Aha moments in my head for a long time, but I have been a bit scared to write this blog, not because I don’t know what to say, but rather because the story I am about to tell you is so heavenly and wondrous, I hope you can feel Jesus, simply through words on a page.
My plan has always been to graduate high school & follow my class of 2019 into college… but then God said #sike… just kidding, but seriously. When the idea of a nine month mission trip came to my attention my relationship with God was defined by distance. I was saved, but I was living a complacent faith – – This all began to change in October of 2017. God began to work in my life in a way he never had before. Jesus was taking my face in his hands saying “take a leap… come follow me”
I have a heart for missions! Now also in the same breath I will tell you that I have never been outside of the United States for a mission trip. (hmmm right?) The only trip I’ve ever taken is a local mission trip to ShowLow Arizona, where we served on Apache Indian Reservations. This spring break Jesus wrecked my freaking heart. Each day we visited a new reservation, and each day Jesus allowed my heart to break for what breaks his heart. He opened my eyes to his children. He set my soul so ablaze!! Great story right? Well that was three years ago, and I haven’t been on a mission trip since. Between these three years Jesus has closed many doors for me, and opened many doors for others. – – My older sister prepared for a two month long internship in South Africa, my best friend began raising money for a trip to Haiti, my other friend called me to explain that she would be going to the Dominican Republic the following spring, and someone I had watched live a lifestyle that in no way reflected Jesus begin the process of fundraising for a mission trip in Costa Rica. I felt as if Jesus just didn’t want me on his team…
I was so angry. God and I were on a friendship break. I stopped seeking out opportunities to serve out of fear of rejection… I stopped talking to Jesus. It was a sad place for me. During this friendship break I was scrolling through Instagram and came across a sponsored page for the World Race. As I stalked this page I thought about how dope it would be to do this; to take a gap year to serve the Lord. Quickly though this excitement was met with the reminder of the past failures and disappointments. I locked my phone and didn’t look at the page for a month, but I couldn’t get it off my mind. I was angry and confused… but even worse, I was so excited. I felt like this was something that could happen, but at the time I felt as if I was setting myself up for disappointment.
I needed someone to pull my head out of the clouds. I needed someone to tell me no. tell me that it wasn’t going to happen (even though deep down of course that is the opposite of what I wanted to hear) So I abruptly went to my best friend and said “hey jimmy can I talk to you about something”. I don’t remember the details of that conversation, but I do remember that he didn’t “pull my head out of the clouds” in any way. He told me that this IS for me. That this nine month mission trip in no way was unrealistic, that I should be excited. ……. Of course, I was.
After weeks of excitement, anticipation, and instagram stalking, I sought out wisdom from my very best friend. I texted my older sister, Alexis, and asked her if she had a minute to talk. I explained to her the emotions I was feeling and what I thought Jesus was doing in my heart. She told me to chase after it. She told me that if I thought in any way that Jesus wanted this for me… I needed to do it. She was so encouraging and so kind!
That night I allowed my heart to feel excitement. I bowed my head in reverence and said “Lord if this is something you want for me… show me, guide me, give me confidence in this unbeaten path you’re asking me to follow”….
That night I had a dream.
I was standing on the edge of a cliff… I looked down at my bare feet and wiggled my toes. I looked up, and across this cliff was Jesus standing on the other side of the valley. He smiled at me and waved me over… I looked down and saw that just a few steps away was a deep valley. I closed my eyes, looked at Jesus, and took a step closer to the edge. I looked up at Jesus and smiled… he smiled back at me… and waved me over again, a little confused I took another small step. I looked up and he was waving me closer and closer to the edge. I looked at my feet on the very edge of this cliff and looked back at Jesus confused… he smiled the softest smile, and waved me over. I took the deepest breath… and I knew what Jesus wanted me to do. I leaped after him. I jolted awake and sat straight up. I calmed down and not thinking much of it, I fell back asleep… and then I WENT BACK TO THE DREAM! – – I was falling, but I wasn’t falling, words can’t describe the feeling I had. I was surrounded by beauty… pure serenity… I knew I was falling but it didn’t feel that way. My stomach exploded with butterflies and the only word to describe my emotions is wonder. I looked to my side and Jesus was with me. He held my face in his hands and nodded his head… and I woke up. (I woke up remembering the dream better than Thomas Rhett remembers the 14th of October)
Jesus sought me out. He was waving me closer and closer to him. He wasn’t asking me to take a step of faith, but a leap. Every closed door and every so called disappointment… It was never that Jesus didn’t want me on his team. It was that he needed me to wait. I am going on the World Race because this is the plan that God has had for me. He has called me closer and closer to the edge for 17 years, and for the first time I am not taking a step of faith… I am taking a leap, it is me moving to the call of the Holy Spirit! It is me answering the gentle wave of Jesus, I am leaping off of the comfort of the ledge. I am going to fight the good fight.
My prayer:: Lord set my feet upon the solid ground that is your love. Rip out from under me the comfort of this ledge… allow me to recklessly abandon the fear of falling if it means being closer to you. Toss me into the valley of your love!! Fall with me Lord, surround me with your beauty… with your serenity. I pray that the butterflies that come with falling to never cease,, I pray I never lose my wonder:) In the nine months of change, newness, and mighty power… fall with me Lord… Call me closer to you. Wave me over Lord. I pray I leap every time.
yo sis in Christ,,
Alana
