https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=LjF9IqvXDjY
Just take, one step; put one foot in front of the other. You’ll get through this, just follow the light in the darkness. You’re gonna be ok.
How am I supposed to lift others up, and stay positive when I don’t even want to be here? How am i supposed to be encouraging, and speak life into my teammates, who are feeling the same way I am, when I, myself, don’t want to be on the race anymore?
I learned about the race my senior year of high school, and saw it’s beauty through social media. I saw it as something fun, sexy, entertaining, and adventurous. I never saw the race outside of its physical appearance, until now.
I’m going to let you guys into my head for this blog.
I want to go home. I want to feel the breeze on my face without it drying my constant sweat. I want to wear sweaters, and drink my coffee on the porch smelling the rain as it falls. I miss hearing my moms laugh, and going on coffee dates with my dad. I miss weekly family game nights, and my crazy Italian family. I miss having the freedom to get in my car, and drive; having my hand out the window as I move it to the beat of my indie rock music. I miss painting in my room to crazy loud music, being able to be alone. I miss being able to go off, and be alone. I miss getting to connect with my friends over coffee, and smell the inside of Barnes & Nobles. I miss being in control of my routine, and what I do with the day. I miss English church, and weeping on my knees when the Holy Spirit floods in. I miss my pastors, and being able to talk to them whenever, and having a clear response face to face, instead of reconnecting every second on FaceTime.
This race has had so many challenges so far, but it has also been rewarding. I don’t know why we feel like we can’t post this type of stuff on Instagram. I’m guilty of not wanting to ruin my aesthetics, so I post pretty, unreal things. Behind my photos are a story; a story that is different from the photo. Some of them are genuine, some of them are because I don’t want to ruin a look on my feed. I hold back on the ugly photos, because who wants to see that? Who wants to see flaws, and imperfections? That’s a lie too many of us have come accustom to as a truth.
SHOW THE WORLD YOUR FLAWS! God wants to use the pain, the mess, and the hard stuff you walk through as a masterpiece; as a testimony.
I am flawed, and that’s okay. Some days I suck at life, and that’s okay. I’m not perfect, and that’s okay. I make mistakes, and that’s okay. There’s days when I don’t want to spend time with God, and that’s okay. Christians have this stereotypical vibe that WE ARE PERFECT, AND WE DON’T MAKE MISTAKES! Where did that stem from? Don’t think you have to have it all together ALL the time. Show yourself, who you truly are. No one likes a fake. God didn’t create me to be a “Stephord Wife” Christian. He created me to be exactly who I am!
Have you ever known what God says about you, but haven’t felt it? I knowI am storing, because He says I am. I knowI am capable, because He says I am. I knowI am more than a conqueror, because He says I am. But, I just don’t feel those things all the time. When the truths God says I am don’t feel existent; that’s when I need to be strengthened in the presence of God.
Why can’t things in life be easy sometimes? Why have these 4 months felt everything but easy?
Romans 8:1-2 says to put your mind on things according to the Spirit, and you will live according to the spirit. But, how do you do that? You do that by plainly getting into His presence. And it’s as easy as calling out, “Jesus, I need you!”
“Your needs are important, and you’re allowed to have them. They are equally as important as everyone else’s. “ this is something my wonderful squad leader, Amanda encouraged me with. Sometimes I’m so in my head, God uses the people around me to speak through them.
I want to tell you now, that I am persevering through. Each day I make the choice to persevere. That’s all I can do currently. There’s a bigger picture through all of this, that I can’t see yet, but that’s okay. And I need to be okay with that, and trust the Lord. And that’s exactly what I’m choosing to do, because I know that the rain I am waking through today, will turn into a testimony, and will ultimately draw me closer to Christ; closer to my destiny.
I don’t know what the rest of this race holds, but my God is with me through it all. There isn’t any wrecking ball that can take me down, because I stand on the solid rock!
