I bought a road bike a few years back because I had decided I wanted to complete a triathlon. I have a tendency to have a “go big or go home” mentality. So, I bought a bike and figured I had ridden one as a kid so it cant be that hard to pick back up right!?! After all you know what they say.. “its like riding a bike”.
I dont know who came up with that phrase but they were 100% wrong at least when it comes to me riding a bike. I crashed a lot. I ran into a fence, a dumpster, a side walk, and fell off a lot. I laughed it off and kept trying but I actually starting becoming really anxious every time I would try to ride it. I eventually left it locked in my storage and gave up on my goal to do a triathlon. All that to say- fear gripped me.
Fast forward to this year.
My team and I decided to rent bikes for our adventure day in Chile! We get a “day off” each week to experience the culture of the places we’re living in. This month we went to ride bikes in the Atacama desert to a place called Death Vallley. I thought its been a few years since all the anxiety. I should be fine. As I swung a leg over the seat I instantly panicked. I was reminded how anxious I get riding a bike. We rode out into the desert. I cried a lot. I fell a lot. I crashed into a giant rock and a tree. I almost ran people off the road. It was rough. My team was gracious and waited for me and cheered me on.
As I rode I asked myself why the heck I was so scared. I’ll jump off anything. I’ll climb anything in front of me. So why was I so anxious about doing something as simple as riding a bike? I realized it wasn’t a fear of falling. It was a fear of failing, and that fear of failing translated to the lie of “I’m not enough”.
I have high expectations of myself. I expect to be good at things or to be able to overcome whats hard and an expectation to not let others down. So when I fell or made my team wait- I failed.
This year Jesus and I have walked through a lot. He’s shown me that things I’ve seen as flaws of myself are actually gifts, he has reminded me of my value, and has torn down any false self while showning me the core of who he has created me to be. Sometimes I forget. When I choose to place my value in people or in my performance I’m left with fear, like riding a bike.
I had to realize the reality that Jesus already gave me the strength to overcome the fear and sometimes it comes down to choosing to believe that what he says is true. I had to choose that my value wasnt in my “failures” but in who he made me.
As soon as I chose to realign my value where it belongs I made it the whole way home! I didnt cry again, or fall off, or run anyone off the road! I found freedom. Freedom from expectation. Freedom from the lies. Freedom from fear.
I DID THE THING! I RODE A BIKE!
And who knows… triathlon 2020?
