5 years ago today I walked into a young adult church service called The Porch. It had been years since I had been to a church and I honestly wasn’t quite sure why I was there that night. I had hurt people in my life and I was running away from the consequences so I ended up at church. How cliche is that? I was living life in a very broken state. Broken from the things people had said or done to me and broken from the choices I had made. It felt like I was sitting in a giant hole that I couldnt figure out how to get out of. I kept climbing the dirt walls but ended up just making a bigger hole. I felt stuck, angry, and like all I could do was fight to survive. That night at the Porch I heard something I hadn’t heard before. Before I get to that, you might feel the same as I once did- stuck, broken, not enough, hurt.
The social worker in me wants you to know that you dont have to stay there. You dont have to live out of shame, resentment, or pain anymore. Yeah, its hard to deal with the utter CRAP in your life; all that life has thrown at you, all the brokenness others have put on you or said about you, but you are strong. What if I said you didnt have to do it alone? Its hard putting your trust in someone after everyone else has let you down or worse. Its not comfortable. What if you didnt have to white knuckle it to the point you feel like you’re about to lose your grip and break, then get up the next day and just expect nothing to change? What if you could still be strong and not exhausted? What if you could find freedom and not strive for it?
I’ve been there too. I’ve been broken and a hot mess more than once. I’ve fought my way to be “successful” in my career, with friends, and family. I’ve searched to be loved and cared for in every wrong place, but I’ve also chose to hand it all over to Jesus when I wasnt sure I could trust the guy; and then, I found freedom.
If you grew up in the church, or in the south, you probably heard “God sent his only son, Jesus, to die for you”. If you’re like me that probably fell on deaf ears and you didn’t get how that was relevant to you, but you could recite it if anyone asked. That statement isnt any less true but my view of God was off. It wasnt until I heard at the Porch that you were supposed to have a relationship with Jesus that I started to understand Jesus’ relevance to my life. I didnt get the relationship thing at first but over time I realized it meant spend time with him, get to know him-his character and his heart.
I wish someone had asked me why I felt like I didnt deserve a love so great. Why I believed I couldn’t be forgiven for the mess I created. Why I couldn’t freely receive the extended hand to me to lift me out of the hole I dug myself. I wish someone told me I didn’t have to stay in limbo between not enough of a “bad person” and not enough of a “good person”.
I didnt know that I just had to choose to give Him my heart. I could choose to be loved in the deepest of ways and he calls me righteous aka free from guilt and my brokenness. He calls me whole, his beloved, and his daughter.
It took a while for me to accept that. In the moment I said I would try, with the tiniest bit of faith, to trust this Jesus guy, if it would be even slightly possible for everything I heard about him to be true and not just true for others, but for me- what would happen?
-when I was anxious and didnt know what to do- he freed me from what I was trying to control and brought peace.
-when I had nothing left to give- he gave me strength and comfort
-when I felt used and worthless- he freely gave me value and purpose
-when doors were closed-he protected me from the things I didnt know I needed protection from
-when I felt defeated- he taught me how to pray boldly, taught me belief, and continually teaches me how to rejoice in the hard
-when I feel unqualified- he’s preparing me for whats ahead
-when I feel alone and believe lies- his presence and his truth about who I am speaks louder
-when I fail- he gives more grace
I still struggle. I still fear and doubt and try to control my life. Life is hard and will always be imperfect, but beautiful. We’re not promised an easy life but He does promise to not leave or abandon us through it. God cares about your heart. Gay, straight, black, white, Muslim, Christian-he cares about you. He loves you with a deeper love than you can ever imagine. He sent Jesus to us so he could walk this earth to KNOW us, our pain, our struggles, our joys and our laughter. Our brokenness separates us from him, so Jesus died for you and me so that we can spend forever with him and no longer be separated. He wants you to live and walk in freedom. He wants you to sit in his presence daily and be who he created you to be.
Loved. Cherished. Beautiful. Son. Daughter. Mighty warrior. Strong. Fierce. Talented. Courageous. Fought for. Restored. Righteous. Seen and accepted as you are in this very moment.
5 years. I would have never thought that this day 5 years ago would land me here today writing you from Asia. Its a daily choice to choose Jesus; but I do, over and over again because I was created to be loved and so were you.
Love you all.
