On May 18th, I fell off a bicycle in Hoi On, Vietnam. I had two hair line fractures in my elbow. I got a splint for a week because I had open wounds on the inside of my elbow. That first week and a half were the worst in every way. I realized later I was depressed and was not myself in that time. I don’t think I laughed once in that time. It was painful anytime I moved it. I had to rely on God for every single one of my needs. I had to rely on God for sleep. I couldn’t sleep very well because I could only lay on my back and have my arm in one position and that got old after a few hours. I ended taking sleep medicine to help me sleep well. I had to rely on God for food. We were living in an apartment at the time and our only way to get food is to go out and get street food. My team brought back meals when they could but they were doing ministry and wasn’t able to for every meal. So I ended up having one real meal a day for that first week and living off of crackers. I had to rely on God for showers because in that first week I couldn’t hold my arm up by myself. I had to have someone help hold my arm up while I wash myself with one arm trying to hurry because I had a rubber band around my arm holding up a plastic bag around the cast and it was about to cut off my circulation. I had to wait 4 days for a shower one time because my team had ministry and didn’t have time. There was one person on my team (Bri) who was okay with helping me shower. She challenged me after that to try to figure out how to shower by myself and I did. At the same time all this was happening. One of my teammates was passing a kidney stone and one of my teammates was healing from open wounds from falling off a bicycle on the same day as me. I was feeling sorry for myself so much that week. I thought that my teammates owed me things and I expected them to help me with every little thing(baby me) but they did the opposite. I felt like they didn’t treat me well or like a teammate. I felt abandoned in a foreign country. I think it went both ways. I think I expected to much from them but I do believe they didn’t treat me well. They have talked to me since about that and apologized for it. When God was revealing this to me, he was revealing how selfish I was and I only was thinking about myself and no one else. I expected them to pursue me but I didn’t pursue them and I should have. I didn’t treat them right either during that time. I actually really appreciate every single one of my teammates for helping me in every way I needed it. During that first week I cried out to God so many times. I had to rely on God for a friend, a person who would listen to me. He did and then showed me how much he cares about me and then showed me my sin. God shattered my expectations for people. He taught and is still teaching me how to not expect things from people while still voicing what I need. God positioned all of it for a reason. I needed to learn all of this on the first week. If anything was different, I would not have understood as I do now. I don’t want to take anything for granted. I realized God really does take care of your every need maybe not in the way or timing you want but he does. He doesn’t leave you high and dry. He takes care of your needs what ever that looks like. He told me he was pushing me to my limit and that is exactly what happened where he stripped literally everything I find comfort in or rely on away where I had to rely on him for EVERYTHING. During this time the Lord told me to start reading Job which I did.
I got a cast put on a week after i broke my elbow. The first week in the cast wasn’t that bad because we were at debrief and I had air conditioning in my room. I was still not myself during debrief. Taylor talked about ownership and that hit me hard. God told me no one owes me anything. That is when I started going through how I needed to take ownership of my actions, thoughts, and feelings. I realized that I didn’t treat my team well and that I have control over what I do with what I am handed. I was still feeling sorry for myself. I felt isolated and didn’t want to let anyone in. I thought no one wanted to be let in so I didn’t try. I assumed and expected and didn’t give them a chance. God started speaking hard things to me but it was what I needed to hear. Everyone signed my cast and it was very cool. I felt loved that way.
Going into Cambodia, the first week was hard as well. God wanted me to put action into what he was sharing with me. My team sat down and had a hard conversation about our team. I got feedback to start leading myself. I didn’t feel known or accepted. But God changed my perspective when I asked him to. That first week, Joanna came over to me and talked with me. It was hard to hear some of the stuff she told me but it was needed. I needed to take ownership and apologize for some things that just broke my heart that I did to her. Very good conversation though. It was very hard and uncomfortable physically because we didn’t have air conditioning where we were staying or easily accessible. It was very hot all the time except when it would rain. When it rained, it would cool off but it would be a different obstacle I had to get around. I can’t get my cast wet. So I had to buy and wear a poncho but I would have to bring it everywhere because it would randomly rain. It was very hard to sleep at night because I was hot and I couldn’t find a good position for my arm to be comfortable. I also fell through a hut and hit my arm really hard which effected the healing process.
The third week of having the cast,I would wake up randomly through out the nights. One time I woke up and my arm wasn’t moving and it scared me but then I realized I had a cast on it. I felt trapped and it sucked.The Lord told me that is how I felt in my life and I was always waiting for something or someone to make something happen before I go full force into it. He told me that he wants me to go full force into ministry and life and do the thing with the cast on and not wait until I get it off. It would be easier if I waited but God says that my life has not stopped for this cast, so he doesn’t want me to stop doing things physically and even mentally and emotionally. So I did, I started digging into it and doing the thing even though I didn’t feel like it. I preached a sermon in church with my cast on even though I wanted to wait until it was off. I started to smile and enjoy where I was at in life. I saw that how my arm breaking, was a blessing. I went to the doctors in Cambodia and they told me I had to have a cast on for three more months or surgery. That was a hard day for me but the Lord got me through it. The next day we went to a better doctor and they took the cast of (thank goodness, praise God). They took another x-ray, they said that because I fell with my cast on that effected the healing process and that I might need surgery. They didn’t put a cast on it but told me to go to a doctor in Thailand when I get there.
For two weeksish I was free. My moral went up right away after I got it off. Everyone on my team said that I seemed like a different person. I was so thankful and hopeful.
On Tuesday the 25th I went to the hospital in Chiang Mai, Thailand. I had to get a cast put on for two more weeks. I sat in the hospital room shocked and thinking back to what it was like with the other cast on. I was terrified and didn’t want to do it but knew that was better than getting surgery on the World Race. I was scared I was gonna go back into depression and didn’t want to. I just wanted to be done with it. I chose to do it. Then Kathryn was talking with me. She told me that I don’t have to go back to the place I was at. That I have found freedom in that. She was right. I have found freedom and God has taught me so much. I get to choose if I want to stay in the freedom or go back into the depression. Kathryn had a great idea of praying while they were putting the cast on and I did. It was a spiritual experience and the Holy Spirit was there. It was freaking amazing being able to bring God into it. I prayed that this cast doesn’t define me and has no power over me. I prayed that it would help heal my elbow. I felt so much peace about it. Even though it’s still going to be hard.
The two weeks of having the second cast on has been amazing! It’s still a little hard but I feel like I can do anything. My moral was really good and I pushed myself past what I thought I could do! God has given me his strength and perspective and it’s amazing!
I went to the doctors two weeks after getting the second cast and got another x-ray and they said I need to come back in another two weeks because it’s still not strong enough to take off the cast. I trust God! I trust that the process of healing takes a while for a bone to heal. It will be okay because the Lord is with me and knows when it will heal completely.
