“God doesn’t interact with me like that…”
This phrase seems to roll off of my tongue without much thought. It’s been a constant companion during the World Race Unscripted journey, as a large majority of my squad-mates seem to have a knack for hearing God’s voice in ways I’ve never really been exposed to.
From the beginning of this experience, in January, through training and individual conversations, we’ve spent time talking about different ways that God speaks to us. Some people spoke of getting impressions, seeing visions, speaking prophetic words, and speaking in tongues. Basically all of the things that make a good life-time Church of Christer nervous.
So as this journey began, I wasn’t completely sure what I was getting myself into. I signed up for this route for a few reasons. I wanted to have a season of reflection and renewal after 8 years of congregational ministry. I wanted to have the opportunity to practice jumping into God’s mission in ways that would be transferable to my everyday life. And I wanted to learn to listen to the Holy Spirit. So, I wanted to be open to God speaking to me in new ways. It was all just so unfamiliar.
The Unscripted route lived up to its name. We wouldn’t be meeting up with predetermined contacts. We wouldn’t have predetermined ministry tasks. We would have to choose, every day, to try to do life with God, wherever we found ourselves. It was a blank canvas in front of us, ready to be painted in concert with the Spirit.
As I began to get to know my squad mates, I experienced a feeling I had felt before…Intimidation. I was reminded of 4 foot 9 inch Tanner, joining the basketball team in middle school. Or of awkward high school Tanner, trying to figure out what girls were thinking. Or of freshman bible major Tanner, trying to catch up to the other cooler bible majors, with their scriptures tattooed on their wrist (usually in Greek or Hebrew), their firm grasp on words like exegesis and hermeneutic, and their confidence in answering questions posed by our professors. In each of those phases of life, I felt behind, nervous about looking foolish, and honestly I just wanted to fit in.
I kicked off this unscripted journey in much the same way, knowing that my understanding of the Holy Spirit was stunted by years of growing up in a faith tradition where the Spirit was mostly considered mystery and wasn’t talked about much. Anything I knew about the spirit, I knew intellectually, without much actual tangible experience. Many of my teammates on the other hand seemed to have a firm grasp on how the Spirit moves and speaks to them.
I’ll be honest…as our race has continued, I haven’t received the gift of speaking in tongues. The Spirit hasn’t prompted me to go share a specific word with a stranger, and I haven’t received any visions or dreams that have felt like clear words from God. So far, God hasn’t interacted with me like that, and the longer I participate in this experience, the more I’m ok with that. Don’t get me wrong. I want to continue being open to God speaking to me in new ways. I want to be available if God chooses to advance his kingdom in any way through me, but I think the greatest gift that God has given me through this race has been the ability to begin appreciating the ways that he does choose to interact with me: words spoken by friends and mentors, nudges during conversations that prompt me to say something or ask a question, and the ability at times to understand what someone is trying to communicate, even if they’re struggling to communicate it.
I’m learning that my relationship with the Lord is unique, which makes sense, because that’s how relationships work. Some relationships are similar to others on the surface, but the reality is that no relationship is exactly like the next, because no person is exactly like another. Every relationship is its own tapestry of experiences, stories, and struggles. Every relationship has its own personality and its own trajectory. I’m learning that it’s worth taking the time to discover the intricacies of the unique relationship that is continually forming between me and the Lord, much like I would in the other relationships I treasure.
There’s been so much space on the race to dive into my relationship with God and try to understand it. As our team travels to new places, interacts with locals and travelers, and tries to do life together as Christ-followers, the one constant has been the need for the Spirit to continue transforming and speaking to us. Since we don’t have specific ministry contacts, or people telling us what to do each day, every moment is an opportunity to walk with God, to appreciate his closeness, and to look for opportunities to partner with him in his mission. The only thing that can sustain that type of every day, all of the day availability to God’s mission is a deeper connection with the Spirit.
It won’t do to compare your relationship with the Father to the ways that others relate to him. Your relationship is unique. When it’s all said and done, you’ll have your own unique stories, experiences, and struggles. Your relationship with the Spirit will have its own personality and its own trajectory. And when you put a bunch of people in the same community who have their own unique ways of hearing and relating to the Spirit, you might be fortunate enough, if you’re looking for it, to see how God paints all of those unique aspects together, creating a masterpiece, another chapter in his story.
I’m so thankful for the space that the Unscripted route has created for me to get to know God and to realize what it means to be known by God. By the end of this experience, I’m hopeful that I’ll be able to look at the unique aspects of my relationship with the Creator and say confidently:
“How cool is it that God interacts with me like that?!?!”
