But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions- it is by grace you have been saved. Ephesians 2:4-5
You know what’s crazy to me? We, a selfish and sinning people, are so incredibly loved and SAVED! God raised us up with Christ and seated us in his heavenly kingdom so that he might show us the incomparable riches of his grace. Recently I have been battling with not feeling worthy enough for God. But guys, we are already accepted and worthy of God’s love!
I hadn’t forgiven myself for past mistakes. And I felt like God shouldn’t either. I tried to hide myself from him because I was so ashamed. However, with God being all-seeing and what not, that didn’t really work out and led me to feel even more conviction. I thought that because I wasn’t the perfect Christian or didn’t read my Bible enough that God wouldn’t show me his glory. I was confused on why some people hear his voice and others don’t. How is that fair? Is this God telling me I need to try harder? That maybe then I’ll be on the same level as other people and things will be easier? Well, no. Through multiple breakdowns and continuous prayer I now know that God isn’t holding back his glory from me. I felt the need to impress him all the time. It’s like interviewing for a job I already have. I am already free and covered in his mercy. God wants to show me his glory and it may not look at all like what I’m expecting it to. That doesn’t mean he’s keeping it from me.
We do this thing called ATL (ask the lord) where every Thursday we go to our village and, instead of teaching, we do house visits to the people and pray over the community. When we get to the village we ask God who he wants us to talk to, how we can help, and sometimes people get visions as to which direction we should be going. One day last week, while doing this, two of my teammates heard the word “lemons”. They didn’t know what it meant and neither did we but we were excited to find out. We walked for awhile until we found a house with a big lemon tree out front. Bingo. We walked in and there was a man with a crippled arm who lived there. I knew right then that there would be some healing happening. After casual conversation with him and his family we asked to pray over him. After we were done we asked if the pain in his arm was gone? nope. We prayed again. And again. And again. Still nothing. wow…I was so sure this was where we were suppose to be. Why would God not heal him? Doesn’t he want all of his children to be healthy? I immediately got discouraged. I thought that it was my fault because maybe my faith wasn’t strong enough. Before I even communicated my distress with the rest of my team, my friend Kori made a great point. She was also confused as to why God didn’t heal this man. She said that she took a minute to think and said that if God healed that man right away we probably would have never gone back there. We wouldn’t have the chance to build a relationship with him and fix more than just his arm. Maybe his heart needs more healing than anything God could heal physically. We now go back every week with the faith that God will use us as he sees fit.
That was a long story for the sole purpose of telling you that just because God doesn’t do things the way we expect or things happen that we don’t understand, doesn’t mean that it’s because we are undeserving. God wants to give us all the glory in the world. But we have to be willing to wait for it. God isn’t holding back on us when we mess up. That’s when we can either choose to press in or feel pity on ourselves and isolate from the amazing things that God has waiting for us. If we sulk in our own pity for ourselves, we are doubting God’s full power and authority to forgive all sins. So, If I continue to believe that my mistakes are defining how “good” or “bad” of a Christian I am, I am forgetting that Jesus came down to Earth to be crucified so that my sins will never have a hold on me again. And once I remember that, once I remember that God has the last word over my sins, I can walk in full freedom of what the Lord has for me.
My New Years resolution: to stop walking in fear and to know and believe the promises God has for me.
