Right before he stuck the needle through the middle of my nose, I nearly passed out. My head got foggy, eyes glazed over, and my body felt too light to maintain its posture. This wasn’t fear of the physical pain, but because of the first visible step outside of an appearance based faith.
Growing up, I was taught that how you appear on the outside is a reflection of whether you knew Jesus or not. It was the loudest voice speaking in my life, concerning christianity. Everything else paled in comparison. & it wasn’t until this month that I realized the influence that mind set has had over nearly every decision i’ve made, past and present. It wasn’t just about how I looked, but became an entire belief system. A belief system formed together by a few unspoken rules that I mistook for truth. I created a box to live in, assuring that I never misstepped because mistakes mean I must not be reading my bible enough. Keeping 75% of my truth in secret hiding places, only letting the sugar coated 25% walk outside of the front door. The hard things, those are meant to work through on my own because it might make someone uncomfortable to share anything that might have a little dirt on it. I lost myself, and took on the personality that I believed the church approved of and deemed worthy of Jesus’s love.
All of these ways of living, boil down to appearance. What others might think. Living for approval. Making decisions based on what has been agreed on as acceptable, never actually stopping to think about what I want, but first what others would be impressed with. And eventually I found myself subconsciously believing that that’s normal. That weighing the opinions of others bears more weight than my own desire. It was only a matter of time before I woke up and realized I wasn’t even living my own life anymore, but a collaboration of those closely surrounding me.
That stone cold reality hit me after stepping foot in our first country. There was something about being so far from home, that had me longing for it within me. & that desire, made me starkly aware of how far from myself I had really gotten. Religion eagerly took me in, subtly plucked out the uniquely made differences in me, slapped some paint over the gaping holes and placed me on my very own hamster wheel. Feeding me baby food and watching me run in circles. Becoming exhausted but never going anywhere.
When the idea first stumbled across my mind, I nearly shot it down faster than it could fully formulate. There was no way in the world I would ever actually get my septum pierced. And then the question “but why not?” just kept sneaking in periodically throughout the day. Eventually I stopped ignoring it, sat down, and took some time to actually dig for the reasons why I would never get it. This is the actual excerpt from my journal, extreme vulnerability here, so show me some grace (tweaked the wording a bit). Also, a heads up, I’m slightly dramatic.
“Reasons why I would never get my septum pierced:
- My family. I already feel like I stick out like a sore thumb. & I lived 6 years of my life being an embarrassment to them (my words not theirs) almost feeling like there was a shame they felt every time my name was mentioned, so even in the smallest way.. like a piercing.. I don’t want to do that again. I don’t want to be a disappointment.
- Will my siblings be concerned about what my nieces will think, worried that because of the piercing, I’ll be a bad influence on them? They would never say it, but what if on a really small scale, they are uncomfortable with me around them because of it.
- Scared of what people on social media will think, those who know of me but don’t really know me. Will it make them question whether or not I really know Jesus?
- Supporters. Will they regret giving money to someone who would do something so “worldly” and also future supporters. Will this make them hesitant to give? Will this make becoming fully funded harder? Should I wait until I’m already there?
- An ex boyfriend of mine strongly disliked piercings and tattoos. Will he see this and be thankful he dodged the bullet? Will he question my character and have the thought “better off without her”. He mentioned that maybe my desire for tattoos and piercings are a deeper insecurity, and I just took that as truth (that’s on me). Will he and others just think it’s a cry for help and a sign I’m struggling with self image? I hate being misunderstood.
- There’s a stereotype that comes along with piercings like these. Is it worth that? Is it worth brushing off the snap judgement people will make before (if ever) they take the time to know my heart?”
Do I think God told me to get my septum pierced? No. But I do believe He kept nudging me to answer the question as to why I wouldn’t. Because that’s when I fully realized, how often I shy away from taking a risk because it’s easier to just live life in what is acceptable. And by doing so, I left behind who I am and since then, have longed for who I once was. Almost as if I’m nostalgic for who I was meant to be.
It may seem silly to you, that something like a septum piercing could impact my life as much as it has. I was embarrassed to admit it at first. Embarrassed of how scared I actually was of what people thought, and ashamed of how being scared of others judgment actually revealed how often I find myself judging others. There is this line of a song that a christian rapper wrote, that said “Church is where I found God but it’s also where I learned to judge.” I know it’s cheesy to quote a song, but that verse has stuck with me ever since I first heard it. I wrestled with relating to it, because I didn’t want to condemn the church when it was my perspective that was flawed. And it took getting my septum pierced, stepping into someone that the past me would have judged, to realize how desperately I’ve missed the mark. How wrong I have gotten it. It has been exhausting and felt hopeless at times, trying to distinguish the difference between religion and a relationship. I have felt empty and dry. I have doubted doubting. I have questioned my desire to question. I’ve fought against the relentless shame chasing after me when saying “I don’t know” after someone asks what I believe about certain things. I’m walking in more humility than I ever have. And despite all of that, the uncertainty and what feels like backtracking, I’ve felt a stability in my stance that I didn’t know was possible. I have felt more connected within myself, no longer floating in and out of several different personalities depending on who I was around. I’m uncovering parts of myself I once found jealousy over in other people, because that part of me is no longer being starved while watching others indulge. I’m experiencing a creativity I’ve been too intimidated to express. I’m finally comfortable with admitting my draw toward sadness, desire for the heavier moments, and finding beauty in the darker side of things. I’m done being scared that the person I am, can’t also be the girl walking next to Jesus. I’m done being scared that who I am at the core, Jesus would turn away from just because others might. I’m choosing to trust that God knew what he was doing when he planted these desires, passions, perspectives, and styles inside of my heart. I’m trusting that there is beauty in the mess made from striving for authenticity. I’m trusting that the scrutiny that i may face on my way there, has it’s own little lessons for me to learn. I use to think that getting to know God would help me know myself, but it has been in taking a risk and admitting who I am, that I’ve seen Jesus for who He really is. And right now, I’m the girl with the septum piercing, and he’s the guy with a smirk on his face, sitting right beside me asking, “What’s everybody looking at?”
