A week before training camp I woke up and had the most unexpected thought of, “I picked the wrong route.” At this point I had been accepted and a part of a route for nearly 7 months. I tried to shake the thought but it just kept coming back. I fasted for two days, sought the Lord, and the desire to switch routes only grew. A theme you will pick up on throughout this story is my wound in feeling like an inconvenience, a wound that has become my prison. Just to give you some perspective, I would rather pee my pants than to ask someone to show me where the bathroom is, just to avoid being inconvenience. I know that sounds really dramatic, but it has literally happened. Long story short, I reached out to my trip advisor and asked to switch routes, despite my fear and the fact that it seemed impossible, and what do you know.. they found a way. I felt like the Lord moved heaven and earth for me in that moment, and that was when I knew I was exactly where I was suppose to be. These people and this route, was hand picked for me by the Lord in such an obvious way.
On my way to training camp I was floating on cloud nine. I remember looking out of the plane window, listening to king of my heart, reflecting on where the lord found me to the present moment of where he currently held me. Two years ago I wouldn’t have believed you if someone would have told me on October 16th of 2018 I would be flying to Atlanta Georgia for a mission trip training camp. I wouldn’t have believed you because that would have been the last thing I wanted then. That life would have sounded intimidating, boring, really weird, and meant for someone else. That alone was affirmation on how the Lord completely transformed my heart and aligned my desires with His. He literally changed the desires of my heart. That plane ride was spent in thankfulness for how faithful the Lord had been since I recommitted my yes to him.
And then I got to training camp. The thankfulness quickly left and was replaced with fear. I started to feel myself going down when I realized I left my water bottle on the plane, my tent was broken, and I was the new kid at school. I touched on it earlier, but I avoid being an inconvenience at all costs. I lived in the lie that people would love me more if I never asked them to go out of their way for me. I didn’t think I was someone worth going out of the way for. When we got to the campsite and everyone began pitching their tents, I froze. I stood in the middle of the campsite, paralyzed. I knew I had no other choice than to invade someone else’s privacy by sharing a tent with them. They came prepared and I didn’t, how dare I put that on someone else. I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t move. That’s when one of the squad leaders, Brittany, approached me. She asked what was going on and I kind of mumbled some words about my tent being broken. She grabbed my shoulders, looked into my eyes, and said “You are not an inconvenience. These people around you, already love you. This is what community is all about. You are not a burden and you are worth helping. Now, would you like me to ask for help for you or would you like to do it yourself?” I started to cry as I looked at her and said, “wow. It happens that quickly here huh?” She followed that up with a hug that felt a lot like the warmth of Jesus. The tent situation wasn’t just smooth sailing after that. Every day I stressed about who I would ask to share their tent with me, because I didn’t want to annoy someone two nights in a row so I tried to switch it up. Initiating that conversation of asking for help strengthened my Jesus muscles every time. I thought about it from the moment I woke up, until the last minute possible of asking someone.
Along with the inconvenience wound being exposed, was another big one was ready to make it’s way to the surface. There was one night early on in trip that I couldn’t wait to get back to the tent I was crashing in, shoutout to Mackenzie, because i felt alone. And I would rather be alone while feeling alone, than be surrounded by a ton of people and still feel alone. I was laying in the tent after Mackenzie gathered her things and went to go get ready for bed, when I curled up in my sleeping bag and just started crying. At home I would have went into my parents room and laid in bed with them, called a close friend to process with, or took a melatonin and just fell asleep (chill out,there are worse things). But that night in that tent, I could feel the lord asking me to trust him to be my friend. Sounds silly to say going to the lord in search for a friend was as scary as it was, but I honestly didn’t think he would show up or that it would make me feel better even if he did. I was laying in the tent crying, listening to my squad outside laughing and getting to know each other, when I just gave up and asked the Lord what was wrong. Why I was struggling so much. And He told me that I valued what they thought of me more than who he made me to be. I was exhausted because I was trying to figure out who they wanted or needed me to be instead of choosing to be the person the lord made me to be. At home, I know what people expect from me. I know who my church expects me to be when I walk in. I know how my friends want me to respond when they are talking to me. I know the role in my family that I play. I know what to offer in order to make people like me. I didn’t realize it until training camp, that I valued my peers perception of me more than what my father says about me. It was almost more than just valuing their perception, I was dependent upon it in order to know how to be. It was easy to hide at home, but I was exposed at training camp. If I wasn’t being who you wanted me to be, then I didn’t know who I was. I had a deep fear that I wasn’t worth knowing, I sent myself the unloving message that I wasn’t worth knowing because I never took the time to know myself, I morphed into my surroundings and the people around me. At training camp, all I had was who the Lord said I was. These people didn’t know me, they had no expectations, I could be anything or anyone that I wanted. And that terrified me. This moment could have caused me to shut down and isolate, and it very well may had, if it wouldn’t have been for Joseph. The next day I was putting some stuff in the tent when I heard someone approaching me, it was Joseph and he asked if I had a second. I told him of course and that’s when he showed me a neon yellow shirt in one hand and bright red basketball shorts in the other and asked, “Do these match? I’m colorblind.” I laughed and softly said “noooooo,” as I shook my head. He proceeded to take me over to his tent and asked if I would pick something out that did. I sat outside his tent after choosing his outfit, while he asked how I was doing. I opened up about how much I was struggling with feeling like I didn’t belong and his reaction changed everything. His heart broke for mine. It was the most genuine response. Following that conversation, he saved me a seat at dinner and then made sure to stand next to me in worship. He prayed over me and celebrated as he watched the Lord invite others to join in. That gave me the courage to speak up in front of all the girls and share how I was feeling. It was the most vulnerable I had ever been. I thought I was good at being vulnerable, I prided myself on it, but at training camp I learned there is a difference between being open and being vulnerable. Right before I shared my heart with the girls, the Lord encouraged me by telling me I could trust these people. That it was time to stop living life in a knock off vulnerability. He showed me how to bring people into the process of changing, instead of keeping myself at arms length until the process was completed. After taking that leap of faith, I was overwhelmed with their response. The Lord was right, these are my people.
Training camp was one of the hardest things I have ever done, and I am overwhelmed by how much the Lord did within my surrender during those ten days. I was scared out of my mind, on the verge of a panic attack many times. The Lord was asking me to share things I never had before, and with strangers. He ask me to trust strangers with my heaviest baggage. It was terrifying and yet so liberating. I learned how to have a deeper dependence on the Holy Spirit. I learned what it was like to be loved so completely by people who didn’t even know my last name. I learned what it was like to really trust the lord, while standing there naked and afraid. For the first time in a long time, I learned how to just be me. And I couldn’t imagine better people to do it with. So S squad, if you are reading this, each one of you… thank you. You have no idea the part in my story each one of you have already played.
Training camp is where I took my leap of faith, believing that my father didn’t make a mistake with me, and that there is an unlimited amount of beauty to be found within me. I removed the masks and stopped playing catch up with where I thought I should be. It’s where I learned to rest in knowing that I am fully known and fully loved, just as I am in this moment.
