The question I was so fearful of hearing but never really got asked “why are you going?” I don’t know if it’s because people assumed they already knew the answer or maybe they thought it would be rude to question someone’s intent behind a mission trip? Maybe I’ve been more aware of the question not being asked because at first, I honestly didn’t know why and that really concerned me. I wanted to make sure I was going for the right reasons but every time I asked, the answer I received had little to do with me. There was only one thing I got, ”because I have ask you to go”
I wrestled with that for awhile because I didn’t think it was good enough. I thought people would be disappointed with that answer because I kind of was. I didn’t see it as a strong enough foundation to stand on considering the amount of weight I was about to strap on.
& then I reflected on everything the Lord had done in my life that led me to that moment where I was able to offer my first, “yes, I’ll go.” And suddenly, I saw how the reason “because I have ask you to go” is the most powerful response I could have considering where I once was in life. In that answer, reveals a transformation of heart that only God could have made possible.
I grew up thinking religion and relationship were the same thing. From a young age I struggled living a life on the outside that didn’t match my inside. I was never able to just do what I was told if I didn’t understand the purpose behind doing it. So living a life that from the outside looked like I loved Jesus but in reality had no idea who He was and what that mattered to me, lasted only a short while. Eventually my internal truth seeped out into my external world and the majority of my adult life was spent believing a lie, that I was some what defective. That there was something wrong with me. Believing that lie caused me to make a lot of decisions that led to a very painful life.
Two and half years ago I had a radical encounter with God. I was desperate for this Jesus that I heard of to be more than I had known. I was exhausted with myself and the cycle of destruction I felt trapped in. I didn’t know what I was doing, but one night I stumbled through surrendering my life to Jesus. & it turns out that was the very invitation Jesus was so eagerly waiting on. The invitation to come in and give me the life that He died on the cross so that I could live.
I’m going on this mission trip because the God that I’ve spent the past two years getting to know, is a God I’ve learned I can really trust. He is the only thing I want to follow. He is the only road that has never failed me.
The same God that removed my addiction to pills over night, is the same God that’s calling me now. The same God that took my struggle with an eating disorder and used it to create a fight inside of me to love myself, is the same God that’s calling me now. The same God that restored my relationships with my family after years spent rejecting them, is the same God that’s calling me now. The same God that removed the spirit of rebellion from my identity and replaced it with a desire to wholeheartedly serve Him, is the same God that’s calling me now. The same God that said “the old you is gone, she’s dead, now go..& sin no more” is the same God that’s calling me now. The same God that took this orphan heart and gave it a home, is the same God that’s calling me now.
For 9 months I prayed about whether I should go or not. I struggled with feeling like the most unqualified person in the entire world for this mission trip, & i still do, but no matter how loud those doubts scream..they don’t hold a candle to the confidence that comes when I press into knowing WHO called me to this mission trip.
Now mind you, I said yes while I was oblivious to what I was even signing up for. But it was a yes that was said after months and months of praying and continually receiving the same answer, “because I have ask you to go and this is more about knowing WHO is asking you than it is what I’m asking OF you.” And now that I’m getting a taste of what I’m in for, that same answer is what’s helping keep one foot in front of the other.
I’ve seen Him move mountains in my life & I know He has only just begun. So every day, when the reasons start to stack up as to why this mission trip will never work out, I simply take a moment and whisper, “because you ask me to go.” I take a moment and remind myself of the one reason why it will work out.
