This past week has been quite a rollercoaster of emotions as my team and I received the news that all World Race participants are being brought back into the United States due to the escalating Corona pandemic. One week ago, my team and I arrived in Buenos Aires and were getting settled into our hostel, planning what to cook for dinner and getting to know the fellow travelers in the hostel. Our hearts were fully committed and eager for the opportunities God had for us for the people in this beautiful new city. We were excited about the vision we had for South Africa in the following month and for the remainder of our Race journey. Little did I know that those plans and expectations we had for our time in Buenos Aires and on the entire journey of the Race were going to be completely uprooted, redirected, and transformed. I remember praying a few months ago that the Lord would take me deeper into communion with him. “More of you, less of me, Lord.” In the midst of this crazy, emotionally-exhausting transition as I surrender my own desires and expectations to his ultimate plan, I’ve never felt so close to Him. I am reminded of Proverbs 16:9: The heart of a man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps. Before I talk about what God has been doing in me through this transition back to the States, let’s jump back to a few weeks ago. My team and I were in Mendoza, Argentina and I was walking through some very difficult, dark places. We had just come out of debrief, during which time the Lord had opened some doors to past hurts and areas of my heart he wanted to heal. In the midst of still walking through the process of healing and forgiveness in Mendoza, I encountered some challenging conversations with new acquaintances that made me question my own personal convictions. I began to wonder what it really meant to believe in something, to have faith, and how we can truly rest on the truth. And was God really going to heal me? What would that even look like? I took all of this to the Lord, my doubts, my fears, and my hurts. If I’m being honest, taking it to him wasn’t easy; how can I surrender my doubts to Him when ultimately, he’s the one whom I am doubting? It went against all my logic to follow through with this act of trust. But I did it anyways. My prayers were raw and honest. “God how can I really be sure that I’m resting on the truth by giving my life to you? How do I know that you’re really going to catch me when I fall?” I had put it in his hands and the rest was left to him. It wasn’t long before I got an answer.
I remember wondering what worship would look like in this season; how would it even be possible to worship in the midst of the thoughts in my wondering mind? One night in Mendoza, I put on one of my favorite worship songs (or at least a song I had liked prior to all of these crazy questions in my head). I think I actually ‘heard’ the song for the first time then; the lyrics that’s stuck into my heart were “Child, stop listening to yourself so much. I have made you more than worthy of My love. You are fearfully and wonderfully made and that’s enough”. It was as if God was singing that right to me, saying if you believe anything, believe this. Don’t listen to yourself, listen to me. I was looking for answers in my head and he spoke the answer to my heart. I couldn’t doubt his love for me because I felt it in my very being. He was right there inside of me. I realized in that moment that my heart still wanted to praise him. That despite what doubts I was expecting in my head, his Spirit was still very much alive inside of me. That, I could not deny. Flash forward to a few days ago, and as I’m still walking through these newfound realizations with the Lord, my squad receives the news that all WR teams are being sent back to the States. The news hit me really hard. My head was saying “I gave up a year and a half prior to coming on the Race to prepare for my time here, and we just started this journey. I just learned how precious community is and now I’m going to have to give that up. God, your doing so much, why would you want to take that away?” I grieved leaving Buenos Aires and having to come home, I walked through anxiety of what life would look like back home, and if/when we would get to continue on. It was painful and gut-wrenching to have to go through, but then I remembered his promises. I remembered what a good and faithful Father he is, and even when it doesn’t make sense to us, he is working everything according to his plan. In an act of surrender and trust, I gave it all to him, and I realized that no matter what happened, whether it was continuing on with my team or going back to life in the States, my heart was at peace with it. Because he was going to be there through it all. I love how our Heavenly Father meets us right where we are; how we don’t have to hide or pretend for him, and how we can come to him with whatever we are feeling and he’s going to meet us there and give us a heart of hope. He met me in Mendoza when my faith was wavering, and he met me in Buenos Aires when my heart was heavy. He is so faithful! In this act of surrender, I have never experienced such trust and confidence in what the Lord is doing in myself and my team. I currently have no plan for coming back to the United States. There are lots of options being weighed by our leadership team as to how to move forward. We are truly BLESSED to have leaders who are prayerfully considering our safety and what the future will look like for our team. There is a possibility that my team (or some of us) will continue our Race back home in the United States, but there is also a possibility I will just be returning home. Whether or not we are able to relaunch internationally at a later date is dependent on the direction the Corona virus takes during the next couple of weeks/months. I have absolutely no plan beyond the flight back to Miami and our two-day scheduled debrief. None. Some might say that’s crazy, but if you ask me, I think it’s pretty beautiful. What is a better place to be then at the Father’s feet with no plan, saying, “It’s yours, Lord, it’s yours. Whatever happens, I trust you.” This, to me, is what unscripted is all about. “Lord, we don’t have a script, we’ve got nothing. Holy Spirit, lead us.”
Though I don’t know why, I believe the Lord has been purposeful in directing me and my team back to the United States during this time. I am in awe of the Lord’s supernatural peace through this transition and the trust and closeness that he has grown in me during this time. In the midst of the unknowns we are being faced with, I am choosing to hold on to the hope within my heart that this is not the end. Though this journey might not look like what I imagined it would, I know that his plans are greater than mine. I do know that I am going to choose to be a light for his Kingdom wherever I go, whether that’s across the world or if its in my own backyard. I don’t want to miss out on what he has for me because my heart is still stuck on what I thought it should be. There’s opportunity for us in EVERY SINGLE DAY, even if that day doesn’t look quite like what we thought it would. What a better time to share the love of Jesus in a world that seems to be overcome by fear and chaos! Let’s choose to rest in his promises and his goodness and embrace what he has for us every single day.
