“But if it’s true You use broken things. Then here I am Lord, I’m all yours!”- Matthew West in “Broken Things”
Everyone is at a different place in their spiritual journey. Heck, at 29, I had to go halfway around the world to realize my worth and value aren’t measured through other people.
In high school, I was raped. I never told anyone it happened and when I was approached about the rumors that we’d had sex, all I could say was that we hadn’t. From that point on, I took it upon myself to try to “control” every sexual situation in my life. That led to a long past 12 years of unhealthy relations and relationships.
I realized I was searching for validation in so many places that I would never find it. I was expecting men to validate me or give me worth. I was trying hard to perform well in sports or work to gain worth and value in someone’s eyes. All this developed an unhealthy identity of myself. I began to define myself by the way that people saw me. I began to let them have the power to define me.
So, on this adventure we call The World Race, it became evident to me that I needed to start over because, well, there was no better time than now. I started by telling the women on my team my full life story (literally everything – scary!), then praying about where God wanted to lead me from there. He pointed me to the Bible.
During our first month in Africa, I learned four Bible stories – one I’d slightly heard prior and the others I’d never known existed. We used these during ministry when evangelizing, but God used one, in particular, to teach me about forgiveness and grace. Then, through our time in transition from Côte d’Ivoire to Ghana, and continued reading of His word, He used another to teach me about being fully known. And lastly, during our time in Ghana, He used a third to teach me about love. The best part – all these stories are about women.
I will let you look them up and read them at your leisure, but here they are in order of lesson and where to find them:
- The Woman Caught in Adultery – John 8:2-11 ESV
- Jesus and the Woman of Samaria – John 4:1-26 ESV
- The Sinful Woman Forgiven – Luke 7:36-50 ESV
- *Bonus Reading: John 4:39-42 ESV*
Here’s why they have resonated with me so deeply – I have been that woman at one time or another. And each time I was, I felt unfit and unworthy to come into contact with Jesus or have any conversation with Him. You see, Jesus was born a Jew, and this was significant because they were the chosen people up until his crucifixion. This meant they were the only ones who could offer sacrifices to God to be in right standing with Him for their sins. So, then Jesus, who was perfect – God in human form – shouldn’t have had any interaction or dealings with women such as these. But that wasn’t his purpose on Earth. In every broken woman Jesus came into contact with, he saw exactly who they were and knew them before they knew him. He knew every sin, every wrong decision, every bit of brokenness. Yet, Jesus never condemns the women. He does exactly the opposite of the law and expectation at the time. He shows them grace and mercy. He forgives them. He pursues and defends them. And he loves them. Each woman leaves his presence completely changed, with a new identity given by him.
I’ve been learning a lot about grace, forgiveness, and unconditional love and how they shape my identity. They’re still not concepts I can articulate every day, but they’re the ones I feel rush over me any moment I feel shame, unworthiness, or pain trying to creep in. I am constantly reminded of Who’s I am and what my worth and value are to Him. I’ve learned how desperately I was chasing after an intimacy that I wouldn’t obtain until I came to know Christ. I honestly didn’t even know that’s what I was looking for. I couldn’t articulate the pain and hurt I was feeling and honestly, after that moment in high school, I had been inflicting it all on myself. Not only that, I truly hurt so many people in the process. (If you’re one of those people reading this, please know how sorry I am).
I know that I may not be pleasing to everyone I meet, but I know that my Heavenly Father is pleased with me. Just for being me; with all my flaws and sins and brokenness. He does not condemn me, but more importantly, He has forgiven me and loves me and chose me.
Just like Jesus used the Samaritan woman’s testimony (did you read it yet??), He is using me and my story to bring glory to His kingdom. Glory: this means He takes great pride and pleasure in calling me His.
He takes great pride and pleasure in you as well. Will you let Him?
Hey God, I want to thank you for unconditional love. I thank you for forgiving me of all of my sins; not some, but ALL. I thank you for sending your only son to die for me. Thank you for loving me so much that You sacrificed everything to give me new life. God, I thank you for bringing me out of my darkness and into Your light. I know I don’t deserve the breath in, but I will say “I love You” on the breath out. Thank you for making me powerful, strong, and a kingdom builder. Lord, if you use broken things, then here I am. I’m all yours. I love You and praise You. In Your Name, Amen!
