Hi. It’s me. Crying in the cafe again lol.
If you didn’t already know, month one is a bit of a toughie. There are a lot of “new” and feelings and just stuff you have to deal with and go through. There is a lot of dying to yourself, experiencing new things that maybe aren’t always your favorite (or sometimes are), and a lot of digging into your soul and opening wounds so that you can really heal. For our squad, it is also unique because it is all squad month. 43 people charing space, each others attention, and bathrooms is just a lot…a lot of love, but also just a lot. Earlier this week we had vulnerability talks. We were given the opportunity to share pieces or all of our story in front of the whole squad. For some, this was the first true time they had ever shown any of their dirt. The biggest task was that we weren’t to justify it. We weren’t to get up and give our redemption story, but rather to just lay things out like “this is me and its not the best and that is all. nothing more”. To me, this was a foreign concept. I have always had this picture in my head of sharing a testimony meaning, at the end, you wrap it all up in a salvation bow. This was my dirt but now the Lord has brought me out. I never felt worthy of that because in times I thought I had it together, either the devil chased me down and I fell again, or the Lord took me deeper into examining myself and I continued to see the brokenness. I honestly was unsure how people could EVER wrap their testimonies up in beauty…unless I was just the only one struggling to turn away from sin, temptation, and imperfection. There was no way that was true, so what could I be doing wrong?
Well, turns out, vulnerability talks are incredibly nerve-wracking, but are so good. Laying things out there with the non-conclusion of a continuous story rather than a story ever perfected is such a great start to healing. There was so much encouragement in knowing we weren’t alone in the struggle and in lifting each other higher or even just sitting there in the moment together. The hardest part for me was opening wounds I didn’t think I needed to address again. I am a person who is open to share with just about anyone, as long as they are trustworthy, need to hear it, or won’t hold something over me. I actually at one time was not cautious and shared too often. I just like being openly genuine–it stirs my spirit in the worst of ways when I am acting out of my character or when I am not being fully authentic. However, the Lord knows this about me and knows that I share things that the world accepts. I share about making mistakes with guys or treating myself badly or feeling left out. It is easy to share about things that have happened that I have either gotten over or gotten used to.
*Vulnerability Disclaimer*
What I did not expect was the Lord asking me to share about family members hurting me in the past. About vivid memories, scars, and words that have never left me. About wounds that are so deep they are the root of other problems that have plagued me since. To talk about eating disorders. To talk about an abusive relationship…and to dig into the difference between the abuse I created out of fear and skewed memory vs what actually happened…and then to deal with the truth of it. To talk about becoming (too) strong because of prior preyed upon “weakness”. To talk about being the manipulator in situations. About being the mean one. About pretending to be the good one and revealing the double life. I mean I am 21 years old and the Lord DUG INTO ME. Back all the way to when I was like 7, to middle school, to high school, and to college. I know the testimony I share and this was not exactly it.
Backing up, before we shared, our amazing squad mentor TT shared her full story. Some of the things she said REALLY stuck with me. “Abstaining from something isn’t the same as healing the original wound”. “God is a father and treats us like a child. He celebrates the little things, and gives us a little at a time to deal with. He doesn’t expect an infant to be able to run.” “Sometimes, when you go so far without acknowledging God, He may see it fit to give you over to a debased mind like in Romans. Then the numbness comes.” “Living out of numbness is nearly impossible”.
After sharing, rather than hurting about it or feeling shame around it, all I wanted to do was dig deeper. I didn’t see that coming, because I felt what she said so much. I had been numb for so long the thought of engaging was hard work. Walking in depression and shame makes it real hard to live in joy and seek the Lord. I mean it was like at one point I didn’t know wrong, then I knew but chose it, then I got so far I didn’t care to change, then I wanted to change but didn’t see a way out. Literally swept out past the shore, underwater, then back to the surface but with no land in sight. Sharing my story was something I couldn’t get behind at first, but then the Lord was all Girl, you know you have to. For some reason, just sharing was like opening the door to allow the numbness to leave. It may be like a lava lamp, slowly flowing out and allowing goodness to flow in, but it is able to happen now (if I can at least keep that door cracked). Because, even in the deeps, the Lord can walk on water. You only need to stick out your hand.
Let me tell you though, I have wanted to bring everything to the Lord since. I want to talk to Him about what happened this day, about decisions big or small, about whats going on in His plans and in my spirit. I’ve been there before, but lately so entrapped in numbness and in a place that I wasn’t capable of digging. So instead, here I am in Colombia, crying in the cafe. It’s gonna be a process to grow, but that’s why I’ve got a year with Jesus. I’m glad that I decided to open up month one though so hopefully now He can work all year long rather than being stubborn for longer.
