(it’s 12AM here, I came across this picture, and ended up in reflection, thanks for reading!)
I faked a lot of pieces of my life for a while, so I’m sorry to those who got hurt during that dark season of my life.
On the outside it may not have looked like any sort of turmoil was happening. I had a home, a job, friends, a car, new clothes, and a stocked fridge. I was living on the outside.
But my insides were dying and I was doing it all to myself. I’d lie about where I was, what I was doing, and if I’m being straight up I lied about how much I was drinking and what class I was in.
I chose harmful situation after harmful situation not because I had to, but because I forced myself into survival mode. Digging deeper and deeper into lies to the point I convinced myself I was someone completely different than who I was raised to be. I convinced myself I was doing well when I wasn’t, thinking that it was better to look like I had it all together so nobody would bother me, than allow people to love me by recognizing my wreckage and loving me through it.
Then one day I fessed up.
Piece by piece I watched the damage turn to beauty.
I’m still working through some of it now, but this time with God. Letting Him bring it up when He needs to, and not forcing my way through the damage to fix it fast. Because honestly a bandaid won’t do the trick, and I was tired of throwing bandaids on everything in hopes I could heal in secret. I gave my life to Christ on October 22, 2017 and it’s been a journey since then.
I’ve taken steps backwards some days, and leaps forwards others. I’ve chosen a life of sobriety. I’ve learned what it means to forgive myself for things like dressing or acting a certain way for male attention. I’ve learned to pray. And not just to pray for the little things, but for the salvation of others. I’ve learned what values are, and how important they are to me, and how to not sacrifice them for the sake of someone else’s agenda. I’ve learned to die to my own agenda for the agenda of my King.
It’s been a wild two years. I made the decision to go on an 11 month missions trip. I made the decision to quit my job, and go against the grain of culture, at 25 years old, to show others what reconciliation means in the midst of my own reconciliation and salvation. Even that decision has caused friction, but I said yes again when the opportunity came for me to go back out for 5 more months.
Some days can be hard.
Some days I miss my family more than usual.
Some days I wrestle with the idea that I’m not making “my own” money, and I literally ask people to pray about donating money so I can keep on moving along here, teaching English some days and crying with broken hearts others.
Some days I do a lot of sitting. I do a lot of listening. I do a lot of talking.
But every day, recently, I’ve done a lot of this.
A lot of smiling. A lot of laughing. A lot of appreciating the Lords gift in my life.. redemption. 2 years have gone by since I said “yes” to Christ. 2 years, a lot of hard conversations, a lot of nonsensical decisions to obedience, and a lot of going without knowing. To get to here. To get to now. 2 years to get to freedom. 2 years to get to the point I’m grinning even after the photo is taken. Because I just don’t care to fake it anymore, and honestly, I don’t have to, and it’s a beautiful feeling.
Ready for more.
Cole Amy
