If you know me then you know vulnerability is not one of my strong suits. But my team lately has challenged me to be more vulnerable. And writing my last blog about my teammate leaving was really therapeutic for me. So here we go with a new blog on singleness.
Before the race, the word singleness automatically caused my stomach to drop. It was something I didn’t want at all. In my mind, singleness was equivalent to being alone and therefor being unwanted. The idea of being single was scary to me. So scary, that until not that long ago I hadn’t been truly 100% single for 7 years. It wasn’t until coming on the race that I learned more about singleness and what it meant to me.
I’m not sure why, but for a long time I’ve put my worth in how boys/men view me. And I put my worth in relationships and in the guy I was dating, instead of in myself and my creator. When one relationship would end, I’d jump into a new one to numb the hurt from the last. I was in a super unhealthy cycle.
On the race, God made it clear to me that I needed to actually be single. And I dragged my feet and fought it the whole way. I like my control. I like making all the decisions in my life. I like being in a relationship. But God got me. And eventually through things I both could and couldn’t control, I became really single for the first time in a long time.
I was scared. Scared I’d be alone forever. Scared I had made a mistake in the choices I had made. Scared I wasn’t enough. I was full of fear and self-doubt. But through that, God’s been growing me. He’s been walking me through putting my worth in Him and myself, not some guy. He’s been showing me that I am worthy of love, but the right kind from the right person.
Yesterday at debrief with all the women on my squad, we put physical action into letting go of things. We were challenged to write down something we needed to let go of, and then tear it up and give it to God. I wrote down fear. First, I wrote down what I was afraid of. Fear of being alone. Fear of being unwanted. Fear of never being loved. Fear of not being enough. Fear of messing up. Fear I’d made a mistake. Fear I’d made the wrong choices. The list kept coming. But I gave it to Him. I ripped up that piece of paper and I laid it down. And then God gave me a new list. A list of what I am. I am never alone, He is with me. I am wanted. I am loved. I am enough. I am not defined by my mistakes or past. I am worthy. I am capable. I am strong. I am redeemed.
Singleness is still scary. It’s new to me and there are old habits my mind and my flesh want me to run back to. And to be honest, it’s been pretty hard so far. There’s still hurt I have to heal from. And things in my past I have to face. But it’s also exciting. I’m excited to see how God uses this time to continue to grow me and prepare me for who He has for me down the road. I’m excited to have more time to pour into my relationship with God. I’m excited to tap into the powerful single woman that I am.
Last night as a squad we had worship together and we sang the song Nothing I Hold Onto. And as we sang the lyrics “I lean not on my own understanding, my life is in the hands of the Maker of heaven…I give it all to You God, trusting that you’ll make something beautiful out of me…I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open…there’s nothing I hold onto,” I realized it was the first time I’d sung that song with really holding onto nothing. I’ve given it all to God. And I’m excited to see what He does with it.
