INSIDE MY LIFE + HEART
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Within my heart, I began to feel defeated in June. Stress and anxiety started to come over me as I began to worry about fundraising and where I am going to live. The Lord is calling my mom to Chicago after our lease is up in July. I am praying and believing that the Lord has a place for me to stay for the rest of the year as support to my fundraising. Recently I have also made radical changes to my life. Last month, I was led to give away/sell all of my belongings including my car. I started spending more time with the Lord, and this verse spoke to me Matthew 19:21. I felt like Jesus was saying, if you want to go deeper with me then do as I say. And, so I did. I desire to be close to Jesus. I want to live in His way. I want to feel what He felt and do what He told me to do.
JUNE = QUESTIONING OF HIS FAITHFULNESS
Last week as I sat on the public bus on my commute to work, my heart began to break. I started to feel the weight that comes with my calling. As Highs & Lows by Hillsong Y&F started to play in my headphones, tears began to flow. I couldn’t hold them back. I felt like no one supported me or believed in this calling from the Lord. I started to feel alone. It was like the more I painted, the more depression and loneliness festered. At my current job, I stopped loving others the way Jesus commanded us, and I walked around with anger and bitterness in my heart. I stressed/worried about living situations after this summer of 2018. Thoughts of doubt started to cloud my mind making me forget who our God is and where He has brought me. One morning He changed my perspective by reminding me in John 16:33 to have peace instead because He has already overcome the world! He is faithful!
We are weak, and He is strong.
He fights for us as He says in Deuteronomy 3:22.
FOCUS ON HIM AND – MYSELF
You see, when we fix our eyes on our circumstances, it takes our eyes off of the Lord. We place our eyes on ourselves and not our savior. The enemy loves to take our eyes off the Lord this way by using pride, insecurities, or circumstances. What I began to do continually is focus on myself and circumstances. I have been so focused on myself, it took me down a road of stress, anxiety, depression, and anger. My selfishness took my eyes/heart off of pursuing others the way the Lord did and commanded us to do. I have realized to be more like Christ; I have to lay down my life entirely for others as it says in 1 John 3:16. I am already experiencing what it’s like to depend on God for spiritual, physical, and financial health.
If you haven’t already, I encourage you to subscribe to my blog for more updates. And if you feel led to donate, I will be grateful for any amount the Lord has put on your heart as I have essential fundraising deadlines that I have to meet. I love what Christ is doing in my life right now. Thanks for following my journey with Him.
He is making me brave.
Psalm 138:3
