I am going to share a story with you all today. It will be a bit of a long story, but I hope that you can stick with me until the end 🙂
There was a moment during our ladies day at Training Camp where we got to mediate with Jesus. What this basically means is I got to visualize a place for Jesus and myself to meet, then with that picture in my mind I listen for what He has to say. It was a moment I will never forget. Jesus said so gently to me, “Rise up my child for you are strong, you are beautiful, and there is much work to be done. I want you to share your story with all who will listen.”
This was spoken to me Day 3 of Training Camp, and at the end of this blog I am going to hopefully tie it all back together of how Day 10 sent me charging after my calling.
I want to rewind a little bit to share my story with you. I will be upfront right now to say that I am slightly shaking as I am typing this out…It is pushing me out of my boundaries to be vulnerable with so many others, but I know deep within my soul that God would not speak this to me if He wasn’t going to get the incredible glory from it. So here it goes.
I have had a few relationships throughout my life. Some good, some not so good, and one absolutely wonderful. Growing up I struggled with finding my identity and affirmation in what others thought of me, primarily guys. I wanted to be seen and loved. I now know that I was struggling so deeply with this, because my relationship with God was nonexistent. I now know that my identity can only be first as a Daughter of the King, and that is enough for me! Anyways, this led me to having relationships in high school and college where I was placing men in a role that they could not fulfill, and overall would become disappointed with the results. This wasn’t the case though for a guy named Craig.
I met Craig in 2013 working at the same restaurant together. We had an instant connection, and fell for each other rather quickly. It didn’t take us long to begin to discuss the future together, and what that would look like. We were happy, in love, and content with everything that was in store for us. The same month that I had met Craig, was the same month that my mom had asked me to come to a church she had started going to. With some hesitation I ended up going. Immediately, I felt such a peace and a welcoming when I was there. I hadn’t quite experienced church like that before. At the time, I wasn’t sure what was drawing me back, but I wanted more. I wanted to know more of what a relationship with God is all about. The first 5 months of 2014 were full of a joy and happiness I had never experienced before. I was beginning to read different devotionals and attending church when I was home. I was blissfully enjoying life with Craig, as we talked about engagement and quickly starting a family.
That’s when the unthinkable happened. On June 14th, 2014 I came home from work to find Craig unresponsive on the bathroom floor. The paramedics tried to revive him, but it was too late. I had never dealt with a loss like this before. Weeks later, I hadn’t even begun to fully come to terms with my new reality…to then find out I was pregnant. Throughout those summer months; I was confused, hurting, mourning, and yet had this slimmer of hope to carry on for a child. Early August rolled around, and I was two days away from my first visit with my OBGYN. I was out to lunch with my mother when I felt something wasn’t quite right. We went to the ER to get checked out, and make sure the baby was alright.
I don’t remember many details of that day, because I passed through it with pure numbness. I had lost the baby. I still can’t fully describe to you the emotions I experienced the months to follow. I passed through each day with a numbing awareness that I existed, yet I wasn’t sure what was keeping me here. I not only lost a man I loved, but lost the only piece of him that I could’ve carried on. I felt sorrow and shame and guilt that I couldn’t do that for him, myself, and our families.
But I continued each day. Filled with too many thoughts and hurts to process. On top of it all, I couldn’t help but ask God why? Why bring me through all of this hurt and brokenness? Through all of this God was there though. He waited patiently for me to overcome my battles. He cried alongside me. God’s heart broke for me on the days I felt purposeless and wasn’t sure what to do next. God never left me. He surrounded me with a church community that loved me and prayed for me. He brought me Sandy and my sweet (then 5 year old) friend Nate who prayed for me every night together so I could find peace and find God when I was ready. He gave my mother strength to continue on and keep bringing me to church because he knew one day I would open my heart to him again. And in January I did. I raised my hand and gave my life over to Jesus.
That day I was reminded just how much my God loves me, that He has never left me or forsaken me, and that He has such a beautifully crafted purpose for my life. I began to allow my heart to open back up to the love of the Father, and let Him begin the process of healing my hurting heart. While I was attending a Women’s Conference in March of 2015, I finally knew my calling. God spoke such a boldness over my life that my story matters to Him, and that I am going to share my story with women who feel hurt, broken, busted, and disgusted all over the world. I mean WOW! It seemed too big of a purpose for me to fulfill, but God is a redemptive God! He wants to use the hardest parts of our stories to bring others back home to His loving presence.
Phew, if you are still here thank you for taking the time to read it all!
Now here is the really crazy part of how I am seeing God use the call He gave to me in 2015 in this upcoming year. On the last day of Training Camp, we were given out roles of leadership for our Squad. The final session had just wrapped up, when one of my leaders pulled me and one other girl aside. They asked us if we both wanted to be the Beauty for Ashes Coordinators for our Squad. Beauty for Ashes is a women’s ministry through Adventures in Missions, that coordinates events for women in countries all over the world. They give women a place to feel the love of the Father, fellow sisters in their communities, and to openly share their stories through art. I was overjoyed that I was thought of to be this role for my Squad! I get to be an advocate on the field for this ministry. I get to help set up and host these events with my squad in the countries we will be in. I will be given the opportunities to share my story with women all over the world! Now that calling that God gave me years ago, that I thought was impossible, is getting to be walked out in 2019. THAT IS HOW GOOD OUR GOD IS! He has equipped me and called me forth, and I couldn’t be more excited for all the women I will get to encounter over this upcoming year.
This journey was not easy, nor the one I would’ve ever wanted for my own life. There are plenty of days full of tears and wishing I could rewrite my past. BUT GOD! God is good and great all the time, and I want to walk in the authority of the promises He has for me. So here I am…ready to be strong, beautiful, and do the work He has called me to. I am ready to share my story with anyone who will listen.
