Well I think we are due for another marriage blog. It’s honestly hard to write these because neither of us are good a putting into words how to explain this but here goes nothing…
I (Kalyn) am going to share the first part and perspective of this story and then Matt will jump in at the end.
It was a rainy night in Toraja, Indonesia. We were waiting for the bus to come in our favorite coffee shop and it all broke loose. Our team was gone. We were heading to Bali early. I (Kalyn) threw the first punch. Then Matt joined in and before you know it we had used all the energy we had left. We were tired. Confused. Angry. Feeling like we had nothing left to give. We got on the night bus quiet. No more words. Why did we do this? The race is not designed for married people. Why does it seem like God always calls us to impossibly hard situations? Our marriage would be so much easier back home in America. We never had fights like this back home. God are you even here? Do you even see what we are going through? You are showing up in all these other peoples lives, can you show up in ours?! These were contemplations both Matt and I had. Living in constant community is great, but it’s also extremely hard.
Especially when you’re married. We love our team. We both know it has nothing to do with them. They have honestly been so great and such a blessing to both of us. What does this boil down to? Selfishness. Neither of us want to admit the other is right. Neither wants to admit we are wrong. Neither wants to feel controlled.
“God, we are so different from each other. I can’t understand his emotions and he can’t understand my logic. This shouldn’t be so hard! Why is this so hard?”
Whispers from God… Do you trust me? Yes, BUT. Do you trust me? Yes. Then stop. Stop what? Stop with the control. But God!! No buts.
Ugh.
So we take the night bus in silence. Both of us upset. Both of us praying. Both of us processing.
We arrive in Makassar at 5am. It’s Matt’s birthday. We already had decided we would celebrate in Bali. I don’t have to be happy today right, God? I can wait till tomorrow when we are in Bali.
Do you trust me? – God
Ugh. Yes. – K
Are you all in? – God
I am but why is this so hard?? – K
I have you here for a reason. Are you all in? – God
Yes. – K
Ok. Celebrate your husband. It’s his birthday, I love Him more than you will ever know and I have entrusted Him to you as His wife. He is worthy of celebration… not because it’s His birthday, but because He is my son. – God
Yes I know that God, but sometimes he drives me crazy. – K
Yea I know sometimes he drives me crazy too. -God
I smile.
We arrive at the college we are leaving our bags at before we get on the plane that night.
Do you want to talk? – Matt
Yes. I’m all in. I know I’m mean sometimes. I know I have a tone. I know I think 5 miles a minute and it stresses you out trying to keep up… I’m sorry… but I’m all in. – K
Me too. I love you. Let’s start over. -Matt
Yes. I love you too. So it’s you’re birthday. – K
Yea it is. – Matt
What do you want to do? – K
Give you a hug. – Matt
And?- K
Kiss. – Matt
And? – K
Eat. – Matt
So we hugged and kissed and walked to the mall for some food.
Why is it so easy to throw punches? Why is it so easy to reject what God has given us? What God has entrusted us with? I’m reminded of the parable of the talents. The one dude literally buried all he had and left it alone. For a long time. Like why did he think that was a good idea? That’s like me leaving Matt at the bus station and saying wait here till after I get back from Bali. I can’t deal with you right now. When I come back in a week we will talk. Not the best idea.
But it’s sometimes tempting. It’s less work. It’s the easy way out. It’s a short quick fix that doesn’t last. Marriage is work. Marriage is hard. I am reminded everyday in a million ways how selfish I am.
No one likes that. What I do like is marriage making me look more like Christ. I like how being a wife teaches me to surrender and sacrifice like Jesus did for us.
Marriage is hard… but I’m all in.
The most beautiful diamonds are scorched with fire.
Hey guys, Matt here jumping in to share the next parts of our marriage time in Bali.
So, Kalyn and I put down the gloves and were happily on our way to Bali. Such a nostalgic and wonderful place for us to rest and recover as we were in the same place just 3 years prior and it was one of our favorite times together. Arrive and everything is going great and then…
We are in our favorite little health food store and tons of people are around and I ask Kalyn a simple little question and I got no response. I ask again a little frustrated because I felt a little embarrassed and disrespected and she responded, “Just wait a minute” in her normal tone. Something in me lost the control to process and my emotions came out. They manifested by creating a little mini-scene in front of everyone. Yea this was not good. It was not a blow up or a fight but it was me making sure everyone around knew I was not going to put up with being disrespected.
So, we head back to the room knowing the ensuing conversation. But God had been working on me leading up to this. My emotions have always been a unique and great quality that I love about myself but I never really sought to keep them under control. Then it hit me. A fruit of the Spirit is self control and I am not experiencing that at all. I am not surrendering to the Spirit and letting self-control be a fruit of submission to the Holy Spirit. So, often I have seen my failures and flaws and tried figure out how to keep them under control. That is a self-control being a fruit of Matthew not a fruit of the Spirit. The man-made fruit will not last and is exhausting. The fruit of the Spirit is freedom and rest. Now of course I still have to make the hard and often frustrating choice to surrender but really the only way to self control is to let go of controlling self. God can do far more with a submitted heart than we can a determined mind.
Through this getaway I have began the process of learning and submitting my emotions. Instead of letting my emotions lead me, I have chosen to let the Spirit lead me into healthy emotions. The way God has helped me do this is, when I realized I had a problem, I went to the market and bought a journal and named it EMOTIONS. Any time I feel I have had an overly emotional reaction or response I will write it down and submit it to the Lord for the truth. God has used this so much to connect me to Him in this instead of me trying to do it on my own!
We had such an amazing time of connecting to each other! We got to visit our favorite spots in Bali and eat some amazing food. We got to have great conversations and it was just so good for us! This retreat was one of the greatest points of growth in our marriage so far for both of us.
This season is hard in many ways but it has been the fire we needed to burn away what is unholy!
Prayer requests:
- For God to continue to bless our time on the field with open eyes to see the people around us how He does. (Especially each other).
- Our marriage to be a light to the world that does not value covenant relationship.
- The Children’s Home we are working with, that good people will be able to adopt them.
- As well with the Children’s Home, that the leaders will show Christ well and that the social workers can find those children in need in time.
- The breaking of the poverty mindset and discernment on how to give where it will break the cycle of dependency.
Thank you so much for your love and support!!
Also here are a few pictures of is from out time in Bali!!
