I am about to let you in to my heart in a scary vulnerable way.
I walked through a process last week called ‘Inner Healing.’ I want to share it with you and challenge you to do the same.
Picture a tree. The branches and leaves represent the external behaviors of your life. People can see your actions and reactions and choices that you make. The trunk is your emotions – your internal behavior. You could act one way and feel the opposite in your heart. The roots are lies you believe that are rooted in past memories or circumstances.
So let’s get to it.
I closed my eyes and asked God to remind me of a time in the past few months were I way over reacted to someone. It’s like an ingrown toe nail. When you bump your toe on a chair, it doesn’t hurt. But when you bump your ingrown toe on a chair you scream and wail.
God reminded me that last month we were sitting at dinner and I told a group of my friends a story. My other friend leaned over and interrupted me and corrected something I said.
Something set off inside of me and I went off on her.
“Why do you always challenge what I say?” “Why do you think I am stupid and wrong all the time?”
My friend had no idea what I was talking about. We sat and talked for a few minutes about what I was feeling, kept the peace and life went on.
My external behavior: aggressiveness, accusations and anger.
My internal emotions: helplessness, disrespected, provoked and threatened.
Then I asked God to remind me of a memory that this could be rooted in. It took of a few minutes to remember and he reminded me of tons of memories from when I was growing up that people put me down for being stupid, annoying and immature. I started to feel like my word wasn’t valued and I began to filter everything I said. I always pause and think about the reaction of other’s towards whatever I said.
So then I asked God what is the lie I am believing?
I realized I believed that when people challenged my word, it actually translates to them being annoyed with me, thinking I am stupid and telling me they don’t want to be my friend.
Sounds pretty dramatic if your telling me! But truly it’s how my brain is wired.
So then I asked God- what’s the truth?
The truth is I am a fool for Christ and he makes me wise. Nothing I say could ever be stupid because Holy Spirit is alive in me and speaks through me (1 Corinthians 4:10; 1 Corinthians 2:1-5).
Also, my approval doesn’t come from man- it comes from God! So even if someone thinks my word is stupid- it doesn’t matter because God thinks I am perfect because of the blood of Jesus! (Galatians 1:10).
Praise God! What a weight lifted off my shoulders that I actually don’t have to impress anyone and I don’t have to get defensive if someone challenges my word! The Lord is my witness and my advocate!
We went even deeper…
Two weeks ago if you would have asked me about that situation I would have said I was justified in my reaction because my friend was aggressive and rude. But as I told you earlier, we “kept the peace.”
So then I wondered what is peace? I realized my definition of peace is skewed.
Peace to me was making sure your idea of me is reconciled. So even though I was still bitter towards my friend, her view of me was back to normal so therefore we are at peace. I realized my false self – the fake Madison – is a peace keeper.
WRONG!
Jesus was not a peace keeper.
A peace keeper makes sure everything stays the same.
Jesus was a peace maker!
When Jesus walks into the temple and sees the corruption going on he throws the tables over and kicks everyone out. That is the farthest from the world’s definition of peace Jesus could have gotten.
But Jesus kicked out the darkness, sin and everything that did not belong so that true peace could actually be made.
I want to be a peace maker.
The right thing in that situation would have been to talk with my friend about the way I was feeling, and the ways I have been hurt in my past. That conversation would have been hard and messy.
That conversation also would have set forth freedom in our relationship.
This is my public declaration that I will be a woman who makes peace. I will say the hard things in order to restore and reconcile the truth and good in every situation.
Thanks for listening to what’s going on in my heart. I hope it helps and I am praying that everyone who reads this has a double portion of the freedom I received.
