whole (hol): in an unbroken or undamaged state; in one piece
free (fre): not or no longer confined or imprisoned
In October of 2017 the Lord spoke to me through a sweet, funny woman named LeAnn at a college YoungLife camp. LeAnn was the camp speaker, and her whole talk was about what it means to live life wholly and freely, and how that is only possible through a life with Jesus. LeAnn doesn’t even know I exist, but her words changed how I would live from that day on. LeAnn explained how it is human nature to want to be safe and happy, but real life is found when we are whole and free. She encouraged us to think about things in our life that make us feel safe and happy, and consider whether or not they also make us whole and free.
At YoungLife camps we have these periods of time where we gather with other girls that we share a cabin with and discuss what was shared with us and how it applies to our lives. One of the questions we were supposed to discuss was, “what is holding you captive from living a whole and free life?” More than one thing instantly came to mind, but none of the things that came to mind were things I wanted to admit. I shared the least vulnerable one that came to mind, explaining how I struggle with finding my identity in school at times, and thinking that if I don’t do well I won’t be safe and happy because I won’t be able to get a job and blah, blah, blah. But that was the least of the things holding me captive.
It was that weekend that I realized my identity in Christ was so wishy-washy and I was instead finding my identity in school, human relationships, and material things. After a lot of wrestling with these thoughts, prayers, and listening to God, I knew it was time to make some changes and to slowly start cutting things out that held me back from a whole and free life, which I could only have through a relationship with Jesus. If it was distracting me from what mattered most to me, it was time to go.
I was terrified going forward, fearing what would come next. I was scared that I would be bored, lonely, and lost. But the opposite happened. I prayed for comfort during the time that I was changing so many parts of my life, and the Lord gave me the most incredible people who love Jesus and remind me what the point is. I have met so many people who have encouraged me, prayed for me, and helped me learn to love the person I was made to be. The first two terms of my sophomore year were an incredible period of growth, even through the heartache and fear I was experiencing.
As things were looking up, I was happy and excited for what the future held. I had an opportunity I was going to take in the summer, and I was beyond excited. But then it didn’t work out. I found out right before training for that camp that I wouldn’t be able to do it because of something that happened in high school (17 year old me owes 20 year old me an apology). I was devastated and angry and felt hopeless. But then I got an overwhelming sense that there was something better in store. And that’s when I was introduced to Passport, a three month mission trip through Adventures in Missions. I committed to go one a three month trip and take fall term off, but I quickly had a deep longing to go longer. I spent a couple weeks praying about it and considering how this would affect my college graduation date, my family (I am so sad to miss any milestones of my nieces and nephews), and other areas of my life.
It was the hardest decision, but I was 100% sure that this is what the Lord has planned for me. When they called me and said I was a perfect fit for their gap year program, every ounce of me rejoiced and I committed to spread the Good News and watch the kingdom grow in Ecuador, Peru, Guatemala, and Cambodia.
I will be launching in September of 2018 and returning nine months later. I feel so excited and so beyond blessed that I have been given this opportunity. I feel so whole and so free to kiss all my fears goodbye and take a leap of faith.
I wanted to write this blog post to give you all a glimpse into what has lead me to pursue this calling and keep you informed along the way. I’ll update this blog now and then until I leave, and probably every week or two after departure.
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