Let me start this by saying that when I started the race I was super in denial about a lot of aspects of my life. I tried to play it tough and act like things didn’t bother me or I didn’t struggle with things. In the long run it was only hurting me. Thank God the race reveals things we had hide deep within ourselves. The sense of always feeling uncomfortable really pushes you to find the why and process EVERYTHING. Something that I didn’t even realize was a problem was with alcohol.
In month one at debrief in Mongolia our whole squad got together for one week. Each night after session groups of people would go out for food & drinks. At first I was so excited to see everyone but quickly realized something was off with me. I didn’t want to go be social with these people. And in the moment I had no idea why. I was frustrated and blamed it on being tired night after night. Looking back on it now I was feeling that way because deep down I knew that alcohol had power over me in my past.
I want to be really clear when I say I am not an alcoholic. I have many friends and family members who struggle with this. By expressing my struggle with alcohol I don’t want to make their struggle seem any less real than mine. The way in which I realized I struggle with alcohol is in social settings. Turning 21 back home really made me realize this. The access to alcohol was easy and plentiful. In social settings that didn’t involve alcohol it was easy for me to let loose and have fun. But if alcohol was involved I couldn’t not have a drink in hand. It was a safety net for me, almost a comfort as crazy as that sounds.
When I was saying no to my friends in Mongolia to go have drinks, (Yes, we can drink on the race. Two drink limit of course.) I was saying no because deep down I knew that I couldn’t just stop at two. I’m not saying that I every time I drink I get blackout. But I loved the feeling of being tipsy and that usually came at drink three or four. After month one debrief I told my team and friends that I wasn’t drinking on the race and they were so supportive but at that point I still didn’t know just how much I really did struggle with alcohol.
That brings me to month six debrief here, in Uganda. The group that flew from Nairobi to Entebbe with us arrived at our accommodation around 1am. The music was BLASTING and people were acting WILD. My heart sank. I knew we were going to be getting very little rest and this was temptations playing ground. YIKES. And that was just the beginning.
The weekend we arrived at Nile River Explorers Camp there was conveniently a rafting competition. Even more ironically the night of their HUGE celebration party was the exact date of my six months sober mark. GREAT. The party was CRAZY. So many people.
At our nightly worship session we had people sneak in and join us which was so cool. Some people even ended up staying to hear the word that coach Dave gave. But the whole time we were together as a squad my heart was beating out of my chest. Most people on the squad knew I wasn’t drinking but didn’t know why. This night was so special to me but I was being tempted every minute by what was happening on the other side of that wall. That night I spoke up about what I was battling. How cool is it that I get to live in such a loving and supportive community!? In an environment that I can freely speak about my struggles and have people come around me. Everyday I ask myself how I got so lucky with these people!
The night of the party I didn’t let the alcohol or the enemy win. I stayed up late into the night with my friends. Chugged LOTS of water. Sang my heart out. Laughed a ton. What a way to celebrate six months!
If you’re one of my friends back home reading this you’re probably wondering if this is going to be a thing forever. Well, in this season of life I am choosing to be sober. Will it be forever? I don’t know the answer to that. Right now I’m focusing on other aspects of my life and alcohol can really hinder that growth. I promise, even if I choose not to drink ever again, that I will never be a buzzkill 😉
This is the bracelet we were given to be able to enter the NRE, where we were staying the night of the party. I’ve since kept this on to keep reminding myself that He is bigger than the temptations I’m facing.
