So…
It’s our final week in Colombia and this first month has not at all been what I expected it would be. I was hoping to fall in love with all the children; to become a natural at street evangelism; and to wake up with a fiery, burning passion to serve each day. But sadly, I haven’t really done any of those things.
Don’t get me wrong, there’s been a few kids that’ve captured my heart, but street evangelism is an art I’ve yet to master and serving all day every day is just HARD. And honestly, my heart wasn’t always in it this month. I didn’t want to go door-to-door inviting kids to vbs, I didn’t always want to go to the drug-infested park, I
really didn’t want to be in charge of 75+ kids for an entire day, and don’t even get me started on what I didn’t want from my living situation (30 girls with one bathroom, if I haven’t mentioned that already).
Like, is this really why I signed up for the World Race?
I thought I was going to change lives and be filled with overwhelming joy and bring light to the darkness and make new disciples for Him and it was going to be easy because I’m filled with the Holy Spirit and He’s going to do all the work and give me blessings on blessings on blessings.
But God’s been like “nah, Maci, you gotta get your heart right before I can do any of that through you.”
Uhm, what? Isn’t that what I was doing at training camp? Working through feelings of regret and shame; casting aside myself and my selfish heart so as to better give unto others; identifying all of those whom I have held forgiveness from and finally forgiving them; finding my identity solely in Him instead of the things I can do or things I’m involved in; and learning what it means to actually listen for His still small voice.
Yes I did do that but apparently it’s not just a one-time thing. At camp I just barely dipped my toe in the tide of His healing waters. I forgave others but not myself; I let go of shame and regret but held on to bitterness; I was only willing to be unselfish about certain things; I realized my identity is found in Jesus but knowing it and living like it are two very different things; and just because you’re listening for Him doesn’t mean He will speak.
The past two weeks have been so frustrating for me. I could make a list of more than 100 things that I’ve struggled with but ultimately the specifics don’t matter.
While I’ve been writing this blog I’ve been listening to worship music and Oceans has been on repeat for sometime. It’s the best metaphor for how life has felt for me this month in Colombia: keeping my eyes above the waves, calling upon His name, and, most importantly, that His grace abounds in the deepest waters.
No, this month has not been full of fruit for me but that’s okay. I’ve already been blessed beyond all measure.
“So that the tested genuineness of your faith- more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire- may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ” 1 Peter 1:7 (ESV)
He is refining me by fire. I am learning intimacy with Him first so that I may be able to produce fruit. And though it’s been hard, it is well with my soul.
Thank you for your thoughts, prayers and all around support!
Maci
