Okay so, this blog is a little different than the rest.
First of all this blog is NOT on ministry related things other than I do talk about some past experiences on the race thus far but this blog is something the Lord laid on my heart that I wanted to share with mainly the ladies , but fellas if you are reading this then feel free to continue reading.
And ladies listen up.
Topic: Recognizing insecurities and how to embrace them and love these things about yourself.
(Probably just lost majority of the male readers haha but let’s keep going).
Ok so I honestly have no idea how this blog idea started other than , these are some things I worked through the first month or two of my race and so on, but that doesn’t mean every now and then, the enemy tries to bring me down with it.
ANWAYS this year has tested my womanhood and self-love and I just wanna share with you how the Lord has helped me during the moments I was dirty , crusty , blemished and smelly (True story though).
The worldrace is known for their hippie missionaries. We sleep wherever , eat whatever is served , and wear whatever we managed to fit in our pack.
Sometimes we are just straight bums.
But we love Jesus so it’s all good.
I guess I didn’t prepare myself for A LOT of things which I will share more with youns later but prior to the race I did think to myself , oh we may be camping or we will have bucket showers , etc .
BUT I gotta be honest , I did not think I would smell, wear the same shirt days in a row (not washed) , have terrible callused feet , dead hair (I’ll explain later) , and never feel clean , even after showering (yes this is possible).
And being a woman (no offense men) but we like to look good and feel great about ourselves. I’m not gonna lie I enjoy feeling beautiful. Give me a new hair do, a new outfit and some lipstick and I feel like a new woman.
However this year as stripped me from those things as well as the things I find comfort in (hygiene to be one of them).
Now let me just say I am a bit of free spirit and a hippie at heart but I like to be clean — so don’t think I just don’t bathe haha but with that being said at home I bathed twice a day sometimes three (guilty) and it’s not unusual for me to go a few days without bathing depending on what I have access to and depending on our ministry.
Month 1 : Colombia.
20+ of us gals crammed into 3 rooms and shared 1 bathroom. I think because it was Month 1 and everything was fresh and exciting , I didn’t notice at the time how hard this really was until processing it later this year and I was like … wow how did I survive ? Haha
I was also with all these other young women and compared myself (spiritually) but quickly addressed that and the Lord worked with me through that to love where I was at in my relationship with Him and not compare myself (my spiritual gifts , etc. ) to others but instead love the girls for the gifts He has blessed them with.
Going into month 2 , my team was with a beautiful American family and we were very well taken care of. We had access to a shower , and a washing machine and dryer — so I had clean clothes and felt clean on a consistent basis. I was struggling with my acne at the time and it was beginning to bother me more than usual — so I fasted from makeup (not that I wore a lot of it before but it did become a comfort for me with battling my acne) and anyways I began this journey on loving my skin.
Flaws and all.
When I started the no makeup challenge (this was mainly like on ministry days except for Sunday’s and occasional days that we would go out or something) , I began to become more comfortable in my own skin and love myself and I can honestly say I had zero insecurities.
The enemy tried to weasel his way into that and brought out a new insecurity that I didn’t even realize was there.
My voice.
In college , I received comments on my accent occasionally but it never bothered me. It wasn’t until this month that it got commented on very frequently — the way I would say a word or word things , how it sounded , etc.
And when it started to bother me it made me not want to speak out as much.
Ironically, I was reading through the book of exodus and was reading about Moses and how he didn’t want to follow through with what the Lord was telling him to do because he wasn’t an eloquent speaker. But this was inspiring to me because God helped him and reassured Moses of the promises He made to him and that He would help him through that.
So a week later , I randomly got up in front of a group of youth and just started speaking , being led by HS (Holy Spirit). Which was really cool.
I can’t remember if it was before or after that but anyways I said out loud, like in my prayers ,”Lord I am not about to let the enemy have this (this new insecurity of my voice and the way I speak) have a hold me. “
“In fact I refuse.”
And so since then , I have held back some just because I am still working through this but I am once again team leading now and I led a teaching last week at a women’s event in Ethiopia and led a devotion for our teams so I am stepping out in more boldness and learning that I do have a powerful voice and I need to use it and not be afraid.
Month 3:
We lived in a church in Cusco Peru and all of us slept in a Sunday school room. It was cold at night (low 40s and no heat inside) and we didn’t realize that we had hot water until days after we arrived haha (still laugh about that). So I decided to shower instead of using the sink faucet to rinse off (which I only did because it was so cold).
Also it rained everyday and on top of that it was cold so it would take days for our clothes to dry – so I wore the same thing literally almost everyday while awaiting my clothes to dry (that and I only packed 1 long sleeve shirt and 1 pair of warmer pants and 1 pair of thicker socks).
I think the longest I went without washing my hair that month was 12 days.
Yes you read that correctly.
I could feel the Lord slowly stripping me of comfortability and showing me how to love myself despite not having access to things I was use to at home .
Because at home I LOVE expressing myself through my clothes and anyone who knows me knows I love clothes and fashion in a creative sense.
So this was a challenge to me and I would be tempted with buying things but realistically I only had (and still have) so much room in my pack so the Lord has been teaching me to love Him more than a new outfit or more than the clothes I own (even though I still catch myself daydreaming about my closet haha).
Month 5: Nepal
I was desperately trying to grow my hair out , but despite my efforts it just wasn’t growing.
I don’t know if it was the water I was washing it in or just the lack of nutrients in my diet , who knows.
Anyways I went to a spa (they are soooo cheap in Nepal ) and got a foot massage for like $5 and ended up getting a haircut also.
The lady that cut my hair literally said “your hair is dead.”
Several snips later I had the shortest hair I’ve had since I cut it myself in second grade.
This was different for me. At first I loved it and then when we got to Africa it just became untamable.
My hair was always something I got comments on back at home and having it look drastically different was a challenge for me at times.
So second part of this focuses on Africa and how 4 months in Africa took a toll on my body and my hygiene and comfortability.
Month 6 : Rwanda.
We lived in our host family’s home and were crammed into a room. I literally lived out of my backpack (meaning I had no closet or shelves, this is like an every month thing) .
We had bucket showers that month (this is also common in Africa and we did this other months too).
It was hot and dusty.
We hand wash everything the entire time I was in a Africa.
Anyways , this wasn’t easy at first. I didn’t ever feel really “clean.” The water was retrieved from somewhere , and I would shower but feel sweaty and dirty afterwards.
I would get random body breakouts , and my diet was changing due to us being served like chips (potatoes) , beans and noodles like everyday — so I felt like my body was having a hard time adjusting to the heat, diet and all the things.
I would workout sometimes but because I had limited clothes I would strategize what I wanted to wear to workout in since there was the possibly of having to wear it again before washing day (I still do this).
This sounds simple but honestly it’s kinda hard when you only have so many articles of clothing.
Having like no personal space on top of all of that was frustrating at times , even when I wanted to escape and go outside to workout , the neighborhood kids would all gather around and stare and mock me as I did my workout. BUT I just adjusted my focus and told myself like I have zero control over this right now and I can either complain and sulk about it or pinch myself and remind myself that I’m in freaking Africa and live it up while I am here loving on all of these people.
Month 8: Kenya
Our food this month was like bare minimum.
So in Uganda (the month before this) we were served greens and beans every meal and ugali (which is like a grit cake and is made from cornmeal). I would eat as much as I could with in respect to sharing with 5 other girls.
I began to notice my body getting skinner.
I would still workout but had like zero energy because I was barely taking in any carbs.
So in Kenya we were fed the same but even smaller portions and had 3 Worldrace teams total plus YWAMers (another team).
I went to bed hungry on more than one occasion.
I would try to do arm workouts but my arms still remained frail and tiny.
I noticed all of my weight gathering to my lower stomach but leaving the rest of my body which I assumed was due to malnutrition.
It’s not severe so don’t worry. This was just the process of my body undergoing dietary changes and limited food supply which happens like every month haha.
I lost a lot of my shape (what shape I did have before) and now that I am in Europe I have access to more food (still our food budget is $5 per person per day, this is normal on the race and has been this almost very month) but I’m determined to get healthier and gain my shape back.
So why am I sharing all of this?
The point is , this year has taken a toll on my body, health , hygiene and level of comfortability and I’ve learned from it all,
to love myself .
This hasn’t been easy.
In fact, it’s been really hard.
From waking up in my own sweat in India , to short wild, funky, curly hair in Africa, wearing the same thick dirty socks over and over again last month to keep my feet warm at night , having very little outfit options (it’s a female thing) , and breakouts — despite these things that in an insidious way attempt to steal my joy , I have gotten to a place where the Lord is adjusting my lens to see past those things.
Now I’m not saying it doesn’t bother me anymore but I am saying that when it begins to I am able to laugh at the fact that I look absolutely ridiculous in my outfit , embrace my untamable bangs (I gave up my straightener month 3), and love my skin despite the breakouts.
I am able to renew my mind when these thoughts begin to creep in and recharge my mind , refuel my thoughts with positivity and self-love and most importantly fix my focus on things that matter more .
Such as , loving the people around me, loving my team, encouraging those around me, spending time with the Lord, walking out the gifts he has blessed me with instead of spending time in a mirror “fixing” myself and stressing over putting on a pair of dirty clothes that maybe doesn’t smell the best and just doing it and getting over it.
It’s been good.
Real good.
And a healing method for me.
Backstory , I use to care A LOT about my looks. I remember my mama telling me to stop spending time in the mirror so much and worrying about how I look.
Hard truth – thanks mom.
This became more severe when I was in an unhealthy relationship. It was emotionally/ verbally abusive and during this time I cared more about my appearance because I had no control or little faith in my relationship, in a sense I never knew if he was staying or leaving and because of that I did put efforts into my appearance and made sure I always looked great , or what I thought was beautiful, in attempts to make him happy.
Looking back at my pictures from 2016 I barely recognize myself.
I wore lots of makeup (not that there’s anything wrong with that but it’s just not me) and changed my style – like everything to be what I thought He liked. If he critiqued me about other things , at least I thought I could be beautiful and that he couldn’t critique that or have anything negative to say about my appearance (even though he still did).
Needless to say , this caused deeper roots of false ideas of self-love and my idea of beauty (because I think it’s different for all of us).
About a year after that relationship ended, I met a man who treated me very different and loved the things about me the first man didn’t , and it began to teach me that someone will love those things about me and I don’t have to “cover” them up or try to fix them.
But instead embrace them.
So that healing process began in 2017 and then last year I began to dance to rhythms that made my heart beat and embrace everything about me that the Lord created (my skin , my body, my hair, my free spirit , my passions, my dreams, and most importantly my heart).
But at home I will say I was still in my comfortable “bubble” if you will, of having things at my fingertips: a bed, a shower, options to choose from, running water , etc.
Then 2019 happened and this year has stripped me of from all of that.
And I realized that there are some things that can never be taken away from me :
- My smile: things may try to steal my joy and they may for a moment but the Lord quickly reminds me of the things that make me really happy (that is loving on others, people’s smiles , fellowship, friendship , good conversations and family).
- My passions / dreams :(I am a dreamer . A heavy dreamer. I day dream A LOT. So much that today I fasted from daydreaming because sometimes I get carried away and God is like “um hello? Laur, I’m waiting on you.” But yes , my dreams have gotten me through this year. The moments I’ve been at my end or stressed , I focus on the moments I’ve had this year (when my dreams came true) and focus on the visions, passions , dreams the Lord has planted in my heart for the future.
- My heart :okay so I mean this in a sense of who I am to the core . My freeness , my spontaneity, my personality , my love for Jesus and his people – despite being stripped of the things I found comfort in , these things can never be taken away because they live and beat for Jesus.
Now it’s month 10 and here we are in Romania .
Geez this year has flown by.
Coming from the muddy streets of Ethiopia to the charming city here in Romania has definitely felt overwhelming in different ways.
First there is a stark contrast between the two countries and continents for that matter.
I went to get a SIM card here and it took 5 minutes verses over an hour in Africa .
There are things here that weren’t there before : tap water that is drinkable , an actual grocery store within walking distance , western toilets, toilet paper in the bathrooms.
I went to the grocery store here and was overwhelmed by all the options upon options.
As I walked through the isles I thought about the kids I saw playing in the mud in Ethiopia , the kids pulling the donkey across the fields , the ones who were born into a very different life. The country I just left and now I am here.
It’s hard. Really hard. In fact I am convicted even now writing , admitting to you all the things I found hard to lose comfort in when I’ve seen how people live across the world.
I began this fast a week ago , determined to get my mind and heart in the right place before I come home.
I mean I am uninsured , unemployed and unmarried. Haha
There’s a lot to think about in regards to my future. So naturally after this year that I’ve devoted to the Lord (and hopefully many more in the future) I am fasting something everyday with hopes to be more grounded spiritually, closer in intimacy with the Lord, and have healthy established habits and boundaries.
Of course the moment I am in this amazing place romantically with the Lord , I come here and can already sense the enemy trying to distract me.
First night here I walked into a mall. I made up my mind I was only getting a new pair of jeans (I’ve worn the same pair all year) and a sweater to keep me warm this month.
Of course everyone in Europe is stylish and attractive and I’m over here walking around in my “nice” v neck shirt that now has holes in it from month 8.
Very classy.
The mall was indeed overwhelming, but after I’ve sat with the lord this week and even today it dawned on me the irony of the timing of all of this.
First of all I am thankful that our route is ending in Europe .
The transition from 4 months in Africa to here has already been shocking so I can’t imagine what it would’ve been like coming straight home from Africa.
So hoping the transition to the states will be easier since I’ve spent 3 months in Europe prior to arriving home.
But, it’s funny that the moment I am trying to get my heart in the right place — I am surrounded by beautiful people , attractive men, cute shops, not to mention our living conditions this month (hot showers and clean tap water).
Personally I don’t wanna lose the things the Lord has taught me this year.
I don’t wanna go home and forget about the kids in India who lived in the garbage dump, the woman in the slums I prayed over , the kids in Africa playing with a tire wheel and stick as a toy, the eyes of the ones I looked into , their smiles , how I felt the moments I felt unclean , crusty , dirty, vulnerable and uncomfortable.
I don’t wanna forget any of it.
Because it showed me that in the uncomfortable, the unknown, the insecurity, the vulnerability, the moments I was naked being stripped from the things I found comfort in, in the past — these are the moments I grow, the seasons I bloom, when I learn more about myself and my heart and most importantly it’s these moments that I love with God the most.
How am I suppose to grow with God if I have all of this other stuff stealing my thoughts and consuming my mind?
You can’t clean your house until you throw out the junk you don’t really need.
Well how are you suppose to renew your mind if you don’t de-clutter your thoughts?
So these next few months are all about me deep cleaning my mind and heart.
So far it’s been great.
Every moment I’ve shared has brought me here.
I am happier now than I’ve been in a long time.
I love myself. Always have, but a few years ago I lost that girl — she’s been making a comeback and is now blooming.
Will it always be easy ?
Heck no.
But it’s a daily detox for my mind.
It’s recognizing the things that maybe I didn’t before .
Like I said these things (material things , body image, health , looks, beauty, fashion, etc.) they can be sneaky and insidious.
The first step is to recognize these things .
Are they bad ?
No.
But when they take precedence over your thoughts ,efforts and time with the Lord , then yeah they are getting in the way.
Recognize and renew .
Detoxify your mind , ask God to show you what He is attracted to about you. Write it down , say it out loud, and tell yourself, “God loves this about me, and I love this about me.”
You’d be surprised how much more you fall in love with Him when He tells you the things He loves about you, the plans He has for you, the dreams and visions He wants to give to you.
It’s pretty romantic if you ask me.
Once we allow God to adjust our lens , we see things differently , more clearly.
Our eyes see things in colors they never did before because we are looking at ourselves , the people around us, our situation, life , whatever it is — we are looking at it through the lens of Jesus.
Our focus is fixed on the things that matter to God: our heart, our passions, our dreams …
and walking in the freedom,
the joy,
the love,
the discernment,
and the true beauty
that God created us to walk in.
So if you’re a gal and reading this (or a man)
Gurl (or Bro), adjust your lens.
All my love ,
God.
