6 years ago today I had an abortion.
This is my story about the day I walked into Planned Parenthood with a child in my womb and walked out with it starting to leave me. Recently, I have experienced full freedom and healing from my sin. I am no longer held a prisoner to what once held me captive.
I’m no expert on this topic, but what I do know is that I’m not alone.
Psalm 107:2 “Let the Redeemed of the Lord tell their story.”
This is mine.
I will not keep quiet anymore.
The Church is silent and I refuse to be.
Reader’s Discretion:
I am going in full detail of what happened in my experience. The moment I found out I was pregnant until my body stopped bleeding. Names are changed due to privacy and respect of others.
March 17, 2014
I woke up and I knew something was off. I had this overwhelming gut feeling that I was pregnant. I just knew that I was. Opening the jar of mayo, and then immediately throwing up. Having some morning sickness but excusing it with oh I’m just a little sick (when I rarely get sick). All of these thoughts were racing through my head. “The last thing I remember my mom telling me before I moved to be with Michael was, don’t get pregnant.” “What am I going to do?” “How am I going to tell Michael?” “We can’t have a baby, we just got married 18 days ago and no one knows about that either.” “I have no idea what to do.” All day he was asking me what was wrong. And I wasn’t ready to tell him, even though I knew. I hadn’t gotten my period in a while and I had missed some days of my birth control. All those times in my past I was sexually active and never got pregnant, I wouldn’t dare to think I was now. And if I was, why now? Why couldn’t it have happened before? I walked around the apartment all day carrying the weight on my shoulders knowing at some point I had to tell him but I didn’t know how. He picked up on the tension coming from me and kept asking me what was wrong. I would assure him that everything was okay.
I remember going into our room. I was laying on the bed with my computer opened. My chest was really tender that day and so like any other woman does when something is going on in her body, I went straight to Google. And one of the symptoms was, being pregnant. I picked up my phone and texted my cousin Megan saying, “I think I’m pregnant.” She asked me something along the lines of, “What are you going to do?” and my response was, “I think you know.” Michael came into the room, sat on top of me and while he closed my computer and asked me, “What is going on? I know something is up and we can talk about it.” I assured him that everything was fine because I was still processing and freaking out about what the heck to do. After some time, I finally worked up the courage to walk back into the living room. I sat on the floor while Michael was playing his video games and said, “I think I’m pregnant.” He immediately turned off the game and said, “Okay, we need to talk about this.” We went through every scenario. Outweighed the pros and cons of each. Keeping the baby, giving up the baby for adoption, and having an abortion.
I want to remind you that growing up I never thought I would ever be in this position. I never thought my first response to finding out I was pregnant would be, “I should get an abortion.” I always thought if I was in this position that I would give the child up for adoption. I wrote a paper on abortion having the pro-life stance in the 9th grade. There was a debate on our way to a swim meet when I was in high school and I was asked a question, “If you were to find out you were pregnant right now, you wouldn’t get an abortion?” And I said no.
No one talks about it though. I never met someone who had an abortion until AFTER I shared my story.
What we DO talk about is the political side of it.
“It’s my body, my choice”. No, it’s not your body. No, it’s not your choice.
Yes, it’s in your body and in your womb there is a growing child. And that child has it’s OWN body.
3 months prior we were back in my home town and he was meeting my family and friends. He told me in the car on the way to meet a family that if I were to ever get pregnant, he would fight for custody of the child. Here we are in the exact scenario and he wasn’t fighting. He wasn’t fighting for me to keep it. He was giving me every single reason to not keep our child. I listened, I agreed, and I knew in the back of my mind that I wanted to so desperately call my mom and something just told me to hide. I went and got some pregnancy tests and the woman checking me out was 4 months pregnant. Looking back I knew God was using her to speak to me but my vision was so clouded. I went home and took 2 pregnancy tests and as if I wasn’t convinced enough, I wanted to get a blood test to be 100% sure. About a week later I got the blood test and waited 2 days for the results. I wanted it to be no but it wasn’t. I called Planned Parenthood to schedule an appointment, was able to take a day off of work to help with the bleeding and the pain. Before someone has an abortion there is a counseling call that takes place to walk the patient through what will happen. They ask you questions to make sure you realize the weight of what you’re doing. Ha. As if someone in that mental state has the capacity to understand the weight and severity of what they are about to do. No one really does. By the end of the phone call I had made the appointment for March 31.
March 31, 2014
I don’t really remember a whole lot of this day. All I remember was that I arrived at the clinic with Michael and I got called back to the room. They had to do an ultrasound and I decided not to look at the screen (looking back I’m so thankful I didn’t). We went to another room and that’s where the doctor did the briefing for the medicine that I did not pay attention to because I was in such a haze. There were some pills I had to take in front of them and then after that I was released. We went to the counter to pay and then headed home.
The next days were a huge thick cloud. I bled a lot, and the cramping was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. I went back to work and the mom of the kids I was nannying for could sense something was off with me. She asked me one day as I was leaving the house if everything was okay. I assured her everything was great and went home. I bled for about 2 months straight. It was awful and something that I wouldn’t want anyone to experience. I brushed it off and tried not to think about it.
There was no comfort. No sorrow. Just numbness.
We never talked about what happened.
We never had one conversation about how the other person was feeling or thinking.
I pushed it in the furthest corner behind me.
My mom found out and told my Dad and brother. I had no idea. (Since then we all have talked about it and have moved forward.)
After the abortion things started to go in a downward spiral. I ended up leaving my then husband and moved to Tennessee to live with some extended family toward the end of 2014.
In January of 2015 I started going back to church. Over the course of that year, the Lord was revealing himself to me and I don’t recall an exact moment but I decided to surrender my life to him. I had no idea what all that entailed (haha) but I was excited for the adventure and learning more about him. I desensitized from all the pain the last year entailed. I didn’t want to think about it, so I just kept running further and further away from God.
In March of 2016 I went on a mission trip with the young adult ministry to La Represa, Dominican Republic. There was one night where I just let it all out for the first time in 2 years. I finally wailed out to God, my head was on precious Tina’s lap and the girls in my group just prayed over me and let me cry which felt like forever. It felt so good. I finally cried about it. All the pain I had desensitized and put in the back of my mind. I hit my rock bottom. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. That moment was the start of entering into a journey of freedom.
Moving forward into November 2016 I decided to get baptized. That night I shared my testimony in front of 100+ people and it felt like my mask had been taken off. 3 people came up to me and said thank you for sharing my story. One of the couples that came up to me ended up being my bible study leaders. Another one ended up being someone who has had such an impact on my life. And then another beautiful soul who I’m so thankful for and has been a pivotal person in my walk to freedom.
During all of this time, I couldn’t move past the condemnation I felt. There would be arguments that would come up because of political debates and I would be wrestling with right and wrong and my own personal story about it. I couldn’t forgive myself. I couldn’t forgive myself even though God did. But I didn’t understand it. How could he? I killed a child.
There were many many moments when I would know the Lord was speaking to me through others.
One time during a church service, Russell Moore came to New Vision Baptist Church and preached a very powerful message and during it he said, “You are not the woman who had an abortion.” I was sitting in the seats and I froze. It was literally as if God came down to speak through him to me.
I would meet people and they would tell me that my baby is in heaven and I made the best decision I could have made given my circumstances. (always wrestled with that one)
The way my family still loved me despite my decisions that absolutely broke their hearts was incredible. I don’t deserve their love but they gave it to me anyway. (and they still do)
Last year in Colombia, I experienced emotional healing that my body was holding onto for way too long and you can read about that blog here. In short, the Lord took me through every painful memory of my life and I was able to allow my body to release all the pain it had been holding onto for what felt like forever.
During the last few weeks of my race I remember finishing walking The Camino and I was waiting for the rest of our Squad to come together before we went home. I was sitting in our hostel in Santiago, Spain watching a video on adoption and it hit me. I had the choice to give my child up for adoption and again, the shame and guilt overwhelmed me. I never grieved that decision until almost 6 years later. I spoke with two of my Squad mates and they extended their love and grace to me. Again, one of them told me.. “You made the best decision for your child because they never had to experience a second of suffering in this world and now, they are dancing in heaven with Jesus.” I reached out to a beautiful friend of mine and they spoke all the TRUTHS I had held onto and forgotten in that moment.
*** Side bar rant for a couple seconds ***
If you do not have someone in your life that you can turn to in times of desperation and despair, I would S T R O N G L Y recommend to find one person you feel comfortable walking through this journey of healing with. Someone who has walked through similar shoes you have walked in so they can grieve with you, pray for you, and speak truth and life into you! That’s the beauty of community, and you will be surprised how many people you know that have been affected by abortion.
Fast forward to March 3, 2020
We are in Lewes, Delaware. I opened up to the team about how I was struggling with it being the anniversary month. A lot of lies had risen up and were holding me captive from moving forward. My team was so supportive and encouraging. One of them led me to Philippians 3 where it talks about forgetting the former things and pressing onto the hope for the future.
March 4, 2020
My teammate is sitting on his bed reading his Bible. I knock on the door and I ask him if I can encourage him in the way I read through the Bible and make notes. I sit down and start talking to him about a commitment I had made that I wanted to go back on. I was instantly reminded of Ecclesiastes 5 where it talks about keeping your vow with God. THEN we start reading from Ecclesiastes 3 aloud. We get to chapter 4 and I start reading.
And I declared that the dead,
who had already died,
are happier than the living,
who are still alive.
But better than both
is the one who has never been born,
who has not seen the evil
that is done under the sun.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!?!? THIS IS IN THE BIBLE???? WHAT?????
INSTANT FREEDOM. INSTANT HEALING.
I was completely mind blown. It was as if the words were lifting off of the pages into my heart, soul, and mind. It just clicked. I no longer had to carry my weight. I was FREE!!! It was wild. Thank you Jesus, Thank you Lord!!! The entire time he was so patient with me. I seriously never thought I would find freedom until I went to heaven. BUT GOD IS FAITHFUL.
I wrote this blog because I know that there are people who have not experienced full freedom with having an abortion or abortions. I promise you there is light on the other side waiting for you. It’s not easy, none of this journey has been easy. It has been like walking through fire to get to Jesus.
I would walk through the fire another hundred times if I meant that I get to proclaim the freedom that was made available through Christ that he displayed on the cross FOR ME, FOR YOU, FOR EVERYONE. I would do it all again if it meant that I got to experience his deep and radical love for me.
I know whose I am & I stand confident know who I am in Christ. I will not be shaken.
I am forgiven because Jesus died the death I deserved. (Colossians 2:13-14)
I am washed clean in the Blood of Christ. (Isaiah 1:18, Ephesians 2:13)
I am fully known and deeply loved by the Creator of the Universe. (Romans 5:20)
I am no longer a slave to my sin, my guilt, or my shame because I AM FREE IN CHRIST. (2Corinthians 3:17, John 8:36, Romans 8:1-3)
It was nothing I did, but everything Christ did for me. I stand here today, a woman who was so broken and lost not knowing where to turn in her deepest pit of sorrow and grief.
It wasn’t until I met Jesus that I could start walking in true healing and freedom.
I couldn’t have done it without him, he is everything to me.
I hope this blog encouraged you in some way to know that there is Freedom available to you.
Today I will sit in the presence of my Father, knowing that it is okay to weep and mourn while he is holding me and speaking ever so tenderly to me that I am his beloved.
I would just like to say thank you to every single person who has held my hand to listen, joined me in my grief, prayed for me and with me during this crazy 6 year journey of healing. There were many times I did not think I would be able to see the other side. God used you in a mighty way to be apart of this story. Thank you for pointing me back to Jesus in my times of confusion, loving me through my pain and anger, and just being there.
Father,
I thank you for your love that you bestow unto your children. I thank you for the forgiveness and grace you displayed by sending your Son to die on the cross for our sins. I humbly ask that you would draw near to the broken hearted, afflicted, and ones that are suffering in their shame, guilt, and sorrow. Lord reveal yourself and your character to the ones who are calling out you desperately. I ask Holy Spirit to bring people into their lives to speak truth in love in whatever situation they find themselves in. Lord, you know every single detail of what we have gone through, you know what we are currently experiencing, and have yet to walk through… so I just ask that you would gently guide us in your will and way every day. Lord, I pray that we remember your faithfulness through every single trial and triumph. Nothing is wasted, you work all things together for your glory! We will see a victory. I ask Lord that you bring your children to their knees in surrender and walk in your truth and light. We trust and love you Lord. Thank you that you are loving, kind and good Father to us. Amen.
Thank you so much for reading,
Lauren
